hfb the toilet slayer

For the past few years I have considered getting a plumber cum exorcist for much of the plumbing in my house, especially the toilet, as I suspect that in some way it is sentient and evil.

The main drain pipe in the house developed a golf ball size hole at the trap last year the night before we were to leave for Helsinki. Finding a plumber to return my desperate pleas for help was futile and I wound up fixing it myself with a gob of plumbers epoxy. I try not to look in the direction of that pipe with the hope that left untaunted it will leave me alone.

The toilet likes to do several things; leak from the rusted tank bolts, drop the flapper chain, lose the seal on the flapper, and run when the shower is on when the fill tube slips below the fill line. Pick any random day of the week and usually one of these things will be wrong. Friday, the tank bolts decided to leak again. My usual tactic of adding a little waterproof sealant to the bolts didn't do the job so I vowed to fix the problem once and for all. I had taken the day off to begin the fun task of painting 2 of the upstairs bedrooms and didn't really think about what tackling the evil toilet would really entail.

The tank bolts had not been disturbed for 30 years and were rusted to the point of no regular removal. Jarkko valiantly got the tank itself off by sawing through the bolts underneath the tank but there were nuts under the tank that prevented the remains of the bolts from coming off the toilet base. Undaunted and determined to vanquish the possessed commode I bought a few metal cutting discs for the dremel and started grinding away. I had about 5mm of clearance between the porcelain and the bottom of the nut that I had to hold with a pair of pliers in one hand and the dremel buzzing at 20k rpm in the other. An hour later they were removed and 15 minutes after that the toilet was back together with new bolts and seals.

Of course, the toilet was very angry that it had been deprived of its favourite amusement so the flapper then decided to give up the seal. The toilet made a gross misjudgement in thinking it could taunt me so. I went downstairs and got a gob of plumbers epoxy, drained the tank and stuck that sucker on for good. I even fixed the chain and the fill tube at the same time.

Now the toilet is bored and I flush with confidence that the toilet isn't going to explode into a fountain. But I'm sure it's up to something and will try to amuse itself with some other plumbing malady but me, my dremel and plumbers epoxy can fix most anything.

I can't wait to be an apartment dweller again.

17 Sep 2002 at 17:18, Helsinki