It's the thought that counts...

My life has largely been spent in the company of men/boys because my profession is not very well populated with women. Every year around Christmastime, for as long as I can remember, every geeky male engineer has sidled up to my cube, my office, my inbox or online persona to ask me either what to get for 'the wife' for Christmas or what I think of a possible gift. Like some sort of fucked up Mrs. Santa Claus I channel what little feminine instinct I have to try to save Christmas for the woman and help the guy get laid if only once a year. Jarkko and I don't really do gifts but this year the desperation of these geek guys is starting to make me wonder if I didn't get a defective model of geek. :)

The range of gifts this year are worse than I can recall so I'm going to write down the few suggestions I give to every one of these guys each and every year to help them have a jolly holiday...if you know what I mean. The more cynical marrieds might say, "But we're married, what does getting laid have to do with Christmas or, well, anytime of year?". Well, if Strongbad did geek gift advice I suspect we'd have much the same advice to offer.

The BAD

• This year the most popular dumbass christmas gift idea is the Roomba. It's a robotic vacuum. Now, except for the rare women who really want a vacuum for Christmas, what woman is going to want an appliance that helps her clean up after your sorry geeky arse while knowing well enough that you bought it as a toy for you with a plausible out of saying it's a practical gift for her? Dude, it's like her buying you some Viagra for Christmas; the boner isn't for you, it's for her. Buy it if you think it's cool, but don't give it as a Christmas present. Your prospects of getting laid on Christmas or within 6 months of giving this gift are slim. Be sure to buy yourself a Fleshlight and plenty of lube to tide you over.
• Clothing is another popular yet misguided idea for Christmas. Geek guys who can't manage to match their own socks without the woman in their lives should "Just Say No" to this horrible idea. Gift certificates to her favourite shop or mall is a much, much better idea.
• Lingerie is yet another fabulously bad gift idea, especially for the over-35 set unless you really want to be forced to answer the question, "Does this make me look fat?". Just resist and buy a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret or something. Really. It's the young pre-childbearing equivalent to a tie.
• Buying food, chocolate, bon-bons, etc. for the weight loss/diet obsessed woman is not only stupid but insensitive as well. Think, you moron! You get a boner crowing about how smart you are all damn day and buying something for your woman isn't rocket science. It is a challenge, but easier than writing code for that arse of a client if you can pay attention to another humans' feelings for more than 5 minutes. I don't want to hear you say that you're autistic, either. You have plenty of attention for your own feelings so get over it.
• General rule of thumb is that when in doubt, buy something that she might not buy for herself and has a little flair that gives her the idea that you put a little thought into it that wasn't entirely self-serving.

The GOOD

• Every woman I know drops hints like bricks throughout the year for potential gift ideas for Christmas. Books or magazine/periodical subscriptions you know she would like are great gifts. You can also buy them on-line most of the time. Ask her to start an Amazon wishlist for you for next year even.
• Perhaps a trip to somewhere she has always wanted to vist, with or without kids if you have them. Even a weekend a short drive away on a smaller budget is nice.
• What about a camera or some other means of self expression or communication? Yes, I'm biased and it's a risk depending on the woman but, for some of you, this should make a light go on above your head.
• Tickets to the opera, symphony, movie or whatever cultural event she has been trying to drag your uncultured arse to for the past 5 years is bound to surprise and delight. Make sure you buy a nice suit to go with it. Armani or B2 is always a solid choice for a suit.
• Something that shows you have been listening to her for the past 364 days of the year is always a winner and if you haven't been listening, well, wing it.
• Come to think of it, gay guys have much better taste and feminine instincts than I do on this stuff. Ask a gay guy about gifts.

Perhaps there is potential for "Queer Eye for the Geek Guy" on next year's fall lineup on NBC with a Christmas special on how to shop for your woman.

In any event, you now have 5 shopping days left until Christmas so you'd better get to it soon. A good dose of common sense and thoughtfulness will work well most of the time so relax. Also, remember that like going to war, feeding the enemy well beforehand is a tactical advantage since everything seems better with a stomach full of turkey and taters.

19 Dec 2003 at 19:08, Helsinki