The Wailing Wall

Expats snarfing down a late night snack from a local grilli between pints of beer.

I hang out on an English speaker's/Expat bulletin board I affectionately call The Wailing Wall. Lately there seems to be surge in bright-eyed young yankees looking to escape the US, a trend I expect to only gather in strength as the election approaches. I'd like to think I prepared myself for some of the challenges of moving to Finland reasonably well though there have been days I've pondered buying a plane ticket home. However, given a few of the wailers from North America on IESAF and some of the hopefuls trying to escape the return to Mayberry that the US is careening towards, I'm going to rant a little bit on how not to be an idiot asshole yankee expat in the vain hope that it diminishes some of the incoming schadenfreude fodder. It'll just feel good to rant, too. :)

• Don't announce that you're too young to drink in the US and that you're gunning for being able to booze it up with your teenage girlfriend without having to provide ID. Budweiser is 3 euro [$3.60] per bottle here and with the money you save by staying home, buying a fake ID and going to Costco for a $5.99 24-pack, you could buy an education you so desperately need.
• Don't ask us all to provide you with job contacts just because you're young, just managed to graduate from Podunk U., have a job at Circuit City and think that Nokia would surely hire you if only they knew you were available. When we tell you that the only difference between a Mexican in SoCal and expats in Finland is that the Mexican has more job opportunities, we're not really joking and, no, we're not trying to be a bummer, man.
• Don't post in the most appallingly bad English which makes an illiterate monkey look like Shakespeare and expect us to take you seriously when you say that you're 'good with languages' and that learning Finnish 'shouldn't be a problem'. When the folks whose 3rd language is English and who speak, read and write your native language better than you seem appalled, you should maybe stay home and take a remedial English course.
• Don't come to us with tales of woe about how your teenage Finnish girlfriend you met on IRC whom you're sure you want to marry is giving you the cold shoulder and that she surely couldn't be dumping you when she says she wants more space.
• Don't ask if we're enjoying the cold weather. It's not the cold that gets to you, it's the dark, dark, dark November that does. This time of year is practically balmy and sunny.
• Don't whine about Finnish food. This is Finland and this is their food. Fucking deal with it, bribe someone for a care package or go the hell home.
• Don't whine about the taxation. You're going to get taxed by two governments. Your bitching about it isn't going to change the fact that you're gonna pay. Keep reaching for that bar of soap and shut the hell up.
• Don't gripe about how quiet and unfriendly Finns are. Maybe you're just an asshole and they're just uninterested in making small talk. If you shut up long enough, they talk.
• Don't bemoan how expensive stuff is here as nothing gets cheaper once people have paid the higher price, i.e. the market is already paying, so your boring diatribe about frightful prices is about as likely to lower prices as pissing in the wind and getting your pants moist.
• Don't rail on the Finnish government until you're a citizen or at least have lived here a few years, as you are merely a guest in the country and we've heard it all before. Bitching about the US government, however, is more than welcome.
• Don't ask us if we think you're crazy if you want to move to Finland as we aren't always sure of that answer for ourselves.
• Don't get pissy when I rant about expats who irk the crap out of me because they never seem to enjoy anything. What ever happened to the country filled with people who sang 'we are the world' and all that rot in the spirit of global understanding and tolerance of other cultures? Cheer up and lighten up.

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it. -- Mark Twain