A non-expert explains Finnglish

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The Morning News has an absolutely brilliant article this week, The Non-Expert: Accents, [alternate 125kb pdf] where advice is given on how to cultivate a fake accent when travelling abroad where 90% of the world hates Americans. Some of the descriptions are spot-on and hilarious, especially the Maine accent.

A bit of handy advice for those wishing to be cultural chameleons when leaving the land of 50 states is YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT. Four out of five cruise ship passengers visiting Helsinki this year were Americans and after a peaceful winter of not hearing any English out on the sidewalks I suddenly started hearing people like they were speaking through a megaphone. I mean, I never noticed that people talked so loudly when living in the US, but damn, I can hear Americans at least 3 blocks away and chart an evasive course. One of these days I'm even going to muster the cheek to yell "A LANGUAGE BARRIER IS NOT A HEARING IMPAIRMENT" when some Americans lean into me and ask me very loudly if I speak English. It's great sport messing with some of these people by using my Finnglish, especially when I can tell by their accent that they're from somewhere near where I grew up. :) Cheap entertainment.

I do go out of my way at times to make myself sound like I am anything but an American and it works reasonably well. It is very curious how much confusion an unusual accent will cause in people who are desperately trying to place you by your accent since you can see the wheels turning as they talk to you wondering where you could have gotten such a funky way of speaking. I thought I'd add a new accent to the list from the Morning News - Finnglish. :)

Accent: Finnglish***

Scenario: You find yourself in Helsinki and realise that the Finnish phrasebook you bought on Amazon doesn't seem to work at all as the shopkeepers just give you this blank stare or say "Mitä?" You want to get some reindeer kitsch for the family back home but don't have any idea what in the hell these people are saying to you.

Tips & Tricks: First and foremost rule is; don't smile. It's a dead giveaway that you're an American tourist if you smile. Lower the volume of your voice as this puts you at a tactical disadvantage when you can be heard several blocks away. Speak English very slowly with a slight pause between words as though you are considering every word while you stress the first syllable of each word. Be sure to lower the tone of your voice an octave and cultivate a monotone speech pattern. Think of Star Trek's Chekov's "Nuclear Wessles" except do not try to sound Russian. If they give you an odd look, just say how much you love to practice your English around all the American tourists. Drop out any and all of the idioms that you normally fill a conversation with and replace it with something bare and slightly awkward; i.e. Boy, that gulleywasher last night was a real humdinger of a turdfloater!" becomes "The storm, he was not usual last night." [100kb mp3] Confuse he and she randomly in sentences and choose prepositions that are incorrect for the phrase. Don't 'turn on' your TV, 'open' your TV. If you get asked something on the sidewalk, a simple nod and "joo" or "ei" usually suffices. Costume is a consideration, too, as one should not wear cowboy hats, t-shirts with "BUSH! 4 more years" emblazoned on them, anything with the stars and stripes or any other such giveaways.

Response: Skip the tourist market and go to Iittala. Buy a bunch of Moomin mugs and Teema dinnerware and have them mailed home. You've already been busted so just say as little as possible, pay, and leave. :) There's a reason why Mainers and Finns seem a lot alike.

*** Note: This is a parody and all meant in good fun, mostly at my own expense which you get for free as my friends just give me whisky and make fun of the way I talk. :)