The Saddest Day

« HB getting a morning scratch from Jarkko while I was making coffee and grabbed the camera in time sometime in July. »

I thought that my father's death would have prepared me for the pain of losing HB, but I don't know that anything could have at this point. I am completely and utterly devastated. We got away for the weekend, which was nice, but all we thought about was him anyway. I had a frightful thought while driving that what if his spirit came back to the house looking for us, would he think we left without him? He came into my life on the 12th of November 1991 so we had almost 13 years together. We decided to have him cremated, yet I somewhat regret us not taking the body ourselves and giving him a respectful burial.

Today was the worst as there was no cold, wet nose to nudge me out of bed, no one to walk, no one to make breakfast for, and none of the sounds I grew so accustomed to, only silence. I had to begin the emotional task of cleaning up his things and putting them into the attic. I felt guilty removing all the hair and slobber as it's like I'm erasing what little there is left of him. I started to sob when I was scrubbing his bowls and stand. The house is clean now and a lot more empty. There's a huge hole in the kitchen where his bowls, stand and drool mat used to be. I can't pass it by without thinking about him.

I keep hoping that he felt loved and that he understood why we put him to sleep. I also try to keep remembering the good times like the time he caught a squirrel and carried it home with his tail so high and proud or the time he was riding in the car to Boston with my mother giving him fries along the way and then complaining about his gas or walking up to the pit in Rockport on the beautiful wooded trails behind the house or walking along the beach or .... I know deep in my heart that it was his time to go, yet I can't help thinking that we should have done more which is silly since he wasn't eating and he just couldn't walk without pain as the medication wasn't helping anymore. Rational thought vs. the emotional pain of letting go don't mix.

There is one thing that has provided some comfort to me and that is something a woman said to me while walking sometime 2 years ago when she heard how old he was even then; "They know when they are loved." I will probably make a photo book of him when I feel ready and we'll light a candle for him on All Soul's Eve as feeble attempts to remember him well.

People often ask if you plan to get a new puppy as a way to make conversation but I feel like I want to hit these people. I don't know if we'll ever get another dog, but if we do it will be a while since the grief will linger. There was a guy we'd see every few days on our walks who recently lost his 16 year-old dog and who would greet HB very enthusiastically. We saw him on Friday and I blurted out the bad news and he paled, looked sad and almost haunted, and scurried off quickly after giving HB a few pats. Now I truly understand why.

And...I've got a few new photos to post when I get the enthusiasm. I don't have a lot to say right now and I don't want to wallow in my grief online, so it may be a bit quiet for a while. A note to family; I'll be biting the bullet and flying home for Thanksgiving.