Are Pork Chops a Euphemism?

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When looking to the shelves to find a slimmer and lighter book than the current titles I was reading before leaving for Tunisia I found and decided to take When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, George Carlin's recent book filled with deliciously funny cynicism that I can relate to. It was only when riding the train to Tunis, in a car containing mostly Tunisians save for two very chatty German women who found endless amusement in the train timetable, did I start to think that maybe carrying a book with "Jesus" in the title and a slightly altered illustration of the last supper on the cover might not have been the wisest choice for reading material, especially when I kept laughing while reading it. :)

George, I know you're just like every other egosurfing author on the internet these days and if you read this, I loved the euphemism bashing and want more. [I nearly wet myself laughing at the HBO special where Carlin goes on at length about 'servicing the customer', but that's probably TMI.] I might also add that you forgot to take on the weather. Finland has a fabulous word, räntä, that sounds as unpleasant as the weather it describes. It's a short Finnish word, too, something to be cherished in a Finnish word. In English, we get sleet, snain [snow + rain], freezing rain, wet snow and, lest we forget, "wintry mix". What the fuck is "wintry mix" anyway? Something the weather people came up with to say 'well, we have no clue what will fall from the sky today so let's just use this vague term to cover our asses no matter what?' I miss those low-tech days where a guy would stand in front of a board with a happy sun icon over Florida and a giant snowflake over Chicago and tell it like it was; if you weren't in Florida, your weather was likely cold, crappy and grim. Nowadays they have 3-D 'fly through', 5-day forecasts, doppler radar and tons of new words to describe the same bloody thing the fat smiling guy in front of the wooden cut-out of the lower-48 states would; the weather where you are sucks and will remain that way until you move to Florida, dimwit.

The word folks will enjoy WWJBTPC as George has frequent rants on euphemisms in English that tend to have little purpose other than replacing another word or words with others that aren't as clear. George takes no prisoners and even though it's very amusing it's rather disturbing to realise that it has reached self-parodying levels of absurdity. The poem A Modern Man is an anthem for the wired jet-set who would have died at thought of a week without any information appliance nearby. And, Prepositional Phrases, made me think of most Finns who complain about English and its arbitrary use of them.

We Americans love our prepositional phrases.

Out of sight, off the charts, in the groove, on the ball; up the creek, down the tubes, in the dumper, out the yin-yang; off the wall, 'round the bend, below the belt, under the weather.

And of course...under the table

Table Talk

But rather than under the table, let us begin on the table. That's a phrase you hear a lot in the news, especially from Washington. In negotiations of any kind, certain things are said to be on the table. Implying that other things are off the table. And sometimes, regardless of what's on the table, a settlement is reached under the table.

The table seems important. If a person is highly qualified, we say he brings a lot to the table. Unfortunately, those who bring a lot to the table often have too much on their plates. Still, they're guaranteed a seat at the table, because they think outside the box, which puts them ahead of the curve.

Now, if the negotiators agree on what's on the table, then they're on the same page. Personally, I don't like people on my page. If someone says to me, "We're on the same page," I say, "Do me a favor, please, turn the page; I'd rather not be on that page. In fact, I'd rather be in a completely different book." Buat that's beside the point; I've wandered off the track.

Returning to negotiations, if the sides are getting close, we're told they're in the ballpark. This often comes from people in the know, speaking off the record. And in Washington, many in the know are also in the loop because, after all, they work inside the beltway.

Now, there are other government people, outside the beltway, who, nonetheless, remain in the know and in the loop. They function in foreign countries and we say they're on the ground,. If they're CIA, they're under the radar and paid off the books. Much of what they learn is picked up on the street. But they don't always need to be on the street, because a lot of information comes in over the transom.

Hey, we don't make the rules, we just make fun of them. :)