Dearest Conan

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The Nyt Magazine insert featured a write-in campaign for Conan O'Brien this week after the recent Tarja Halonen look alike skit and last year's Conan O'Brien Hates My Homeland ordeal. Conan is reportedly serious about coming to visit the one EU country that seems to enjoy his show, but Nyt wants to seal the deal with an admission of intent from him. I think the cut-n-paste letter is a bit long, but cute. All comments in the [ ] are mine.

Dear Conan O'Brien,

Let us take this opportunity to greet you and to warmly welcome you to our enchanting country, Finland.

We are happy to introduce you to our homeland of 338,000 square kilometers and a population of 5.2 million. The terrain here is "mostly low, flat to rolling plains interspersed with lakes and low hills", as the CIA fact book informs.

Here you will find many sights, such as the famous Lakeuden risti" (Cross of Flatness), the much debated center point of Finland, the world's largest rocking chair [wtf? there are 3 such claims in the US, but not one in Finland], a one-line subway network [which, just like the T's red line with Arlington and Belmont, Espoo refuses to allow into their town since they don't want 'those kind of people' arriving by subway instead of bus], many skilled folk artists - and the memorial sculpture of former president Kekkonen, which can also be used as a swimming pool [and a urinal as so many of the drunks seem to do].

Many animals attract visitors, such as Karjalan karhukoira (The Carelian Bear Dog). We also have reindeer.

Finland's greatest asset is, however, the people of our noble country.

There are a number of very famous Finns. Incidentally, many of them are called Tarja by first name. Some of these include Tarja Turunen (the academically trained heavy metal and opera singer of, now formerly, Nightwish), Tarja Filatov (minister of labor, representative of the Social Democratic Party) and Tarja Lunnas (world famous schlager artist) [schlager is a sort of German pop song, not the drink].

We should not forget Kari Peitsamo who is not only the king of Finnish rock (with 45 albums sung in Finnish, English and Swedish), but also a communist and a grave digger [bet he's a blast at parties :)]. We also take pride in the 1945 Nobel prize winner biochemist Artturi Iivari Wirtanen.

Our school meals, nordic walking, high literacy scores and fine wood products are known the world over. Infant mortality is the lowest in the world. As a father of a young baby daughter, you will be delighted to hear about the paid parental leave all fathers are entitled to [of course they don't mention the several million dollar pay cut you'd get from SubTV to get that. :)]

We hope all this arouses your interest. We are happy to assist in any practical issues concerning your trip. Looking forward to seeing you!

R.S.V.P
Helsingin Sanomat
Weekly Supplement NYT
PL 85, 00089 Sanoma
Finland
Email: nyt@sanoma.fi

P.S. Thank you for your ad for president Halonen. However, we must correct one fact. The carp, although a fine fish, is not as commonly consumed as you suggest. Closer to the Finnish heart you find fish such as pike and the Baltic herring. [Also, the president's first name is TAR-yuh, not TARGE-ah. :)]

Conan is a busy guy, not to mention most Americans are hopelessly devoid of an attention span when it comes to reading something that doesn't get to the point in 3 sentences or less. My revised shorter version might be more like:

Hey Conan,

Come to Finland! The place is crawling with wicked gorgeous naked babes!

I hope he comes to Finland to do a show or three as it'd be a lot of fun, especially if they bring along Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. :)