On your own

« The Masa shipyard cranes in Hietalahti at sunset. »

We both took Friday off of work to go to Lintsi as Jarkko had been wanting to go all summer long but we somehow never managed to make it over the past few months and its last day of the season was Sunday. Normally, we go with friends which is a lot of fun but, more importantly, it means that I can avoid going on what I call the 'sick rides', the ones that spin violently, because there are enough people to accompany each other on the rides I am less than enthused about. :) After riding on the Viking Ship, my stomach never quite recovered. There's something about zero gravity that makes me rather glad that I never even thought about being an astronaut when I was a kid. We also had a chance to say goodbye to the ferris wheel which will be decommissioned this winter and replaced with a larger one next year. It was a quaint old ride that fit with the scale of the rest of the park and I hope they don't go too crazy with the replacement.

The rest of the weekend was spent madly baking pies for a flickr virtual pie contest that several people suggested I enter which gave me an excuse to use more of the mountain of lingonberries I still have after collecting 2 big buckets full of them a week ago. I might be the only entrant in a contest and still not win, but it was fun to make them and I have fewer lingonberries than I did on Friday. Sunday was one of those days you wake up, move to the sofa and proceed to vegetate with that nagging feeling of guilt that you really should be doing something even marginally productive but never quite manage to make it past thinking about it. Even Otava seemed a bit under the weather and was not terribly insistent that we take him on a hike to the woods. I'll be making another pie and a cake tonight to whittle down the pile of berries even more. My colleagues don't seem to be complaining.

I tried to write something coherent about the absolutely appalling situation in NO, but kept drifting off to sleep yesterday. Techies are, of course, saying that what they need are computers, networks and gadgets when it's seems clear that the lack of communication in NO is not for want of gizmos but bureaucratic red tape. Computers have rarely made communication better, only easier to be lazy about it and in a crisis like Katrina, lazy bureaucrats don't get very far, with or without a wi-fi hotspot and a snazzy iBook. I keep gaping at the stories and pictures and wonder how it's possible that it has degenerated into partisan bickering and the religious crazies who seem to be fond of saying that their god punished the sinful town of NO though they never dared to say the same about NYC and the twin towers four years ago.

It's difficult to watch all this from a distance and wonder how it is that the people of the US aren't fighting mad with the sham that is 'homeland security' and the pathetic excuse of an agency FEMA has appeared to be in the last two weeks. I'm pretty sure I don't give a damn about the ugly politics involved, but a country so ill-prepared for a known probable disaster, much less a surprise attack, extends well beyond Republican vs. Democrat. CNN interviewed a few international journalists about their impression of the 3rd world images from NO and the most frequent comment was how surprised they were that the US has such poverty. I suppose they've been watching Friends too much as if that show were real, with their incomes they'd all be living in a box under a bridge.

In reality though, most people with comfortable middle class lives likely find it hard to really get too worked up about a largely poor, black population that has been portrayed as violent and opportunistic by the press. Getting outraged with the people at the top who are responsible for managing this sort of crisis but who just totally fucked the poverty stricken inhabitants of NO might upset the balance of self-deception and white collar ambitions. I mean, if you have money, you're safe, right? Perhaps.

It's a good time to buy doomsday stocks since smart middle class people will start preparing their own disaster shelters and escape plans given that they are either unwilling or incapable of mustering sufficient outrage that might change the current corrupt government that has shown that you're on your own more or less.

And you just have to wonder how the US would fend off an attack back home if some random country decided to take advantage of the glaring weakness and vulnerability that Katrina exposed so easily. If this is the 'stronger, safer America' that people bought into during the last election, it's no wonder that the fundies are expecting the apocalypse real soon now.

On a happier note, those who remember Rare Exports, Inc. will be happy to know that the sequel, Rare Exports, Inc. 2, being shown at the upcoming film festival. From the brief description it would appear that a scandal comes to the santa export business.

permalink Ω 12 September 2005, Helsinki

You Can't Take it With You

« A bench on a quiet wayside on Lehtisaari ominously bears the word "CANNOT." »

I stayed at home on Monday with the back-to-school cold that is running around the office lately. I assumed my position on the sofa as I wanted to watch CNN for news of the impending monster cat5 hurricane Katrina. You didn't need to be a meteorologist to look at the satellite photos of the storm to notice that it was one hell of a storm since it was the size of the Gulf of Mexico and the eye was very small which is what distinguishes a strong, well organized storm from a weaker one. Even in my cold-induced fatigue, I couldn't keep from gaping at CNN reporters grasping for news before the storm made landfall and even afterwards when they had yet to realise the full amount of damage. I pondered whether there might be anything that would make me want to stay behind with a big bottle of whisky and wait out the storm as so many seemed to be doing. If I had to evacuate, what would I take with me besides Jarkko and Otava? Well, after thinking about it between commercial breaks and the crazy/stupid CNN dude out on the beach assuming that after getting killed by the hurricane his career will blossom like Wolf Blitzer's after the first Gulf War; the box of important papers and receipts, my backpack with laptop, camera and a few books and maybe a few clothes. Everything else, well, I'm just not that sentimental. You can't take it with you, any way you look at it.

Watching this all unfold on TV is so strange since it is impossible to comprehend the reality of it, even after just barely escaping Hugo (cat4) on St. Croix and seeing the denuded nob of an island left in its wake, as the amount of damage goes well beyond flooded homes and demolished bridges. What I don't understand is why a city that shares much with such places as Amsterdam, Venice and St. Petersburg, and that has expected such a catastrophe, put those too poor to escape in the Superdome which sits down in the bowl of downtown. I realise that humans cling dearly to the idea that the technology in levees, pumps and other modern machinery that make life easier is stronger than the forces of nature but you'd think we would learn after being mocked so many times in the past. Maybe it's because I watched the "It's not nice to fool Mother Nature" Chiffon Margarine commercials in the 1970s too many times since I have a very healthy dose of understanding that I, and the rest of humankind, are pretty insignificant when compared to the rage of Mother Nature.

The current estimates of time to repair the damage and overall cost are, I suspect, very, very low. The flood waters are bringing in loads of toxic chemicals, petrochemicals, gasoline, oil, and name just about any other kind of home or commercial solutions not to mention all the inert substances. And sewage. Once the water recedes, the EPA will possibly have a giant superfund site on their hands. Every inch of levee will need to be inspected and possibly even rebuilt. The damage to the economy and to those who lost everything, though they hadn't much to lose to begin with, will be quite high. New Orleans will be rebuilt, even though we bitch about people who live in the floodplains of the Mississippi, those whose houses get rebuilt every few years with federal relief money, but it seems like maybe it's a good time to reconsider moving to higher ground. It's not like the sea level is getting lower anytime soon with Greenland and Antarctica beginning to thaw.

And, let's not forget that hurricane season is only just getting warmed up.

The folks living away from the coasts thinking they live in a disaster-free paradise might consider looking up "1812" and "New Madrid" with google sometime and then asking their local and state officials just how well they are prepared for an earthquake that will likely turn southern Missouri into a lake and liquefy St. Louis, Memphis, Little Rock and possibly Lexington, too. I know most of the people living there haven't even heard of it much less prepared for it.

Technology only goes so far. Most of Finland is barely above sea level and I sometimes wonder what the plan is when the waters begin to rise significantly.

permalink Ω 31 August 2005, Helsinki

Tinfoil Hat

« What the tinfoil doesn't protect you from, the wine will. :) »

The only thing I've seen this week is the inside of the bus, the datacenter bunker and the dog park as, like Murphy's wisdom demands, everything tends to happen all at once and in the most inconvenient manner possible. And that doesn't even include the blasting of bedrock or rising water. At least the lift hasn't decided to trap me this week.

Amidst all the rather usual and dull news these days I read that Deep Throat decloaked at the urging of what sounds like family trying to cash in before he kicks it, which is consistent with the three people who might confirm or deny the verity of his admission refusing to do so. I don't know why, but I feel violated somehow as I remember watching the 10 o'clock news' Watergate reports every night as a kid and imagining Deep Throat as a kind of folk hero, the kind you only see in comic books and movies. A mysterious everyman who did the right thing. A man who spawned more tinfoil hat conspiracy theories than Area 51. A man who gave us a modicum of hope that not everyone in DC was a crook.

Now, in a very undignified, very American manner the hero comes out to sell book and movie rights to his story so his family can profit after he's pushing up daisies. It's a pity that there aren't more people like him in Washington these days given that Watergate seems like a quaint misdemeanor by current standards, but why bother when you can be a dirtbag, make millions and still sell book and movie rights to your sordid tale without shame. Perhaps it was inevitable, but I'm disappointed that the mystery man didn't take it to his grave and leave his family to sully themselves alone. Who knew that journalists would have more scruples 30 years on? Three cheers for Woodward, Bernstein and the Fourth Estate.

permalink Ω 1 June 2005, Helsinki

Billion Dollar Infallible Man

« Sic transit gloria mundi carved into a rock on the southern edge of Lauttasaari. »

This one's for the well fed boys in red deliberating in their multi-million dollar hotel who amongst themselves will be the next infallible man entrusted to dispense admonishments for condom use, to ensure that the role of women stays firmly in the middle ages and to condemn poverty everywhere except Vatican City. Those who think the last pope was so great likely cannot read latin or ever bothered to read his encyclicals. It's a sad time in the world where not starting a war and offering weak words of peace makes you a great pope. Popes used to have armies and kill the dirty unbelievers, but now all they do is ride around in the popemobile and have world leaders over for dinner now and then. The retirement plan sucks, too.

You can't take it with you and you'll be forgotten along with everything else eventually; even a pontiff.

permalink Ω 19 April 2005, Helsinki

Death be not proud

« Nathan Wood, Marine LCpl age 19, in Kirkland, WA. »

Aaron Huey sent me this photo that is featured on Sunday's Seattle Post-Intelligencer's front page and asked that I share it. My father was a Marine in the signal corps in one of those wars few remember and even fewer remember what the war was about. Fortunately, he didn't come home in a box as this teenager did. There just aren't words that describe what war is really all about better than a single picture. War is death. Death of people you know and love. Something to think about this week as families come together for Thanksgiving, some with an empty chair or two at the table.

I took this photo yesterday at the funeral of Nathan Wood, Marine LCpl age 19, in Kirkland, WA. Nathan was killed November 9 in Fallujah. His best friend, Garrett Ware, also a marine fighting in Falluja, was injured and sent home with a purple heart. In this image Garrett hugs Nathan's father, Rex Wood, at the funeral in Kirkland yesterday.

permalink Ω 22 November 2004, Helsinki

Sore Winners

« A mound of snow in three smiths square long before the first snow arrived. I thought it was an environmentalist group speaking out against global warming but, no, it was some goofy marketing campaign for snowboarding staged in several places around Helsinki. »

Two weeks ago, there was an article in the English edition of the Helsingin Sanomat entitled Americans living in Helsinki disappointed by Kerry defeat that featured a few Americans living here who were watching the election results and weren't very enthused. Yesterday, Jarkko pointed out a section in the Finnish edition of the paper that was a short piece written by the journalist who wrote that story detailing the 30 or so crazy email she had received from Americans angry at that story and the Americans in it. Considering how much psychotic email I received in response from what little I've written here on the topic, I'm not really terribly surprised, but I am embarrassed. The journalist included bits from three of the email, presumably because they were the only ones lucid enough to take excerpts from, that are really just pitiful. One with an especially poor concept of history suggested that the EU's pacifism was responsible for everything from Hitler to the Japanese emperor. I suppose they missed that day in school where the teacher lectured on world history or maybe they got the revisionist version where America saved Europe even as far back as the crusades and Ottomans. I wonder if she was on Jay Leno's "Jaywalking" segment where they find the absolute dumbest people in America and quiz them as though ignorance in the extreme might be comedy. People like these do nothing to change the collective picture of Americans as largely uneducated and ignorant.

This sort of sore winner syndrome is nothing short of bizarre. It is as though these poison pens know they've been duped and are desperately trying to reassure themselves that their willing self-deception is the one true reality. Anyone disagreeing or disdaining that reality is an affront to maintaining the illusion. Perhaps they took the "If you're not with us, you're against us." slogan far too literally. I also guessed wrong that Americans back home didn't give a damn how the EU felt about Bush since it's pretty clear that they do care enough to send hate mail. After the election, I didn't send out angry email to every Bush voter I could find on the internet as why would I bother? What's done is done and all we can do now is wait and hope that we're wrong. The sheer mass of vituperous email from the religiously fervent Bush club that no one expressing disappointment and/or fear at Bush's re-election seems to be immune from receiving in their inbox tends to suggest a massive compensatory reaction;"the lady doth protest too much, methinks." Of course, these are not the sort of people given to introspection so that which they suspect is happening, that they may have made a mistake, that they were lied to outright, yet ignore by shouting the loudest, will go unnoticed until it is impossible to avoid. Well, or until the bombing in Tehran starts and OPEC switches to the Euro.

permalink Ω 19 November 2004, Helsinki

Gathering Storm

« A granite column in the Jugendsali with a cornice whose flourish definitely looks like a menacing face with the dramatic lighting. »

More bad news as the only sane person in the White House, the educated moderate who could still command respect from people of very different politics and geographies, one of the few Republicans I'd be happy to vote for, resigned from his post of Secretary of State today; Colin Powell. With him goes our last hope for any kind of caution and the possibility of the US invading Iran and/or Syria becomes a lot more plausible. I hope he takes a trip to Disneyland as he looks like he could use a vacation before heading to whatever bunker he has had prepared to hide in for the next few years. In the meanwhile, the much snickered over photo of Cheney has finally surfaced after the hubbub since someone in MN graciously scanned it in for the world to gawp at. Dems should study the photo carefully and find out what caused the condition since it is reportedly difficult to have a boner and run a government at the same time. I can picture it now, "Operation Big Dick" with the mission being to keep all the neocon freaks in government engorged, erect and enjoying hot, sweaty neocon on neocon gay man love for the next four years. If there's an odd number, we'll throw in the conservative tranny Ann Coulter to even things out just for kicks. I'm getting all warm and tingly just thinking about it.

Last night there was a 1-hour program on CNN about the growing disputes in American protestant churches, particularly the Southern Baptists, over the encroachment of radical fundamentalism at the expense of more moderate pastors and members. It was mildly interesting in the same way you'd watch a Nazi documentary where you are completely unable to understand how so many people believed the propaganda instead of their own eyes yet somehow you find yourself unable to turn the channel in spite of the mounting horror and disbelief. One particularly fervent fundamentalist proclaimed, with chilling conviction and a smile on her face, that the so-called 'judgement day' will come within her lifetime. All I could think of was how all the people who are working towards this impending doomsday will be horribly livid when they realise, in the moments before their unremarkable death among millions, that the angels, trumpets and whatnot were all just the embellishment of an author with a flair for florid tales. That humans would eventually kill each other off has been and still remains a foregone conclusion, but the addition of killing for your deity being met with such grandiose fanfare makes for a more compelling story and a seemingly oft recycled one. On the upside, humans won't be doomed to repeat history again when that finally comes to pass. Always, a silver lining.

permalink Ω 15 November 2004, Helsinki

Boobs

« Boobs 2004 found on the sideboard of a deserted ice rink in Töölö. I'd have voted for Boobs. »

I occasionally get weird email, but if nothing else attests to the deep rift in America brought forth by this election [~300k, WashPost], it would be the large amount of ugly discourse between people who would otherwise have little or nothing to say to each other save maybe about the weather in the grocery store line. I've had a few wingnuts, but this one landed in my inbox tonight that really got to me. You know, Bush won already and it takes at least a small amount of energy to send an email to someone, so what kind of hate or fear or whatever it is does it take to send such a message? It might interest the Finns considering I've been forced by Finns into cowering on a few occasions over Bush and, well, I guess they haven't kept up with those folks over in the US who still call themselves Finns several generations removed.

Most Americans of Finnish decent voted for Bush, bar a few union socialists left over from the mining era. If Kerry was your idea of a good candidate for leadership, no wonder you are scared.  His post election speech was yet another pathetic backpedal.  Finns do well in America because we are equipped to compete, we don't need diet-socialist rhetoric because we are not a huddled mass in a bread line.

Great, so now I get to take shit from Finns on both sides of the Atlantic for a guy I didn't elect and whose policies I don't support. Can someone Finnish translate the whole thing about the Stalinist breadline jab? There has been a lot of press in the past few days, since Kerry did the necessary thing of not forcing the country into weeks of turmoil, about how the country needs to 'come together' and how the liberals need to 'understand' the heartland. I grew up in one of those flyover states, in one of the very few blue spots in there I might add, and I still have no idea or understanding of people out there voting for Bush. I don't see how people so polarized and self-righteous on both sides could possibly find a middle ground unless or until there is another terrorist strike on US soil which is always a possibility these days if not a near certainty. Otherwise, it's going to be the educated godless heathens on the coasts vs. everyone in the flyover states for the next four years. My godless heathen friends in the US, I remind you that you really should consider escaping as you can't argue with these folks and, more importantly, their rate of reproduction is likely much higher ala Utah. If a civil war breaks out though, I'll be on the next plane over.

permalink Ω 5 November 2004, Helsinki

Alien

« In front of a headstone shop on Mechelinkatu, near the cemetery, an alien sits on the sidewalk as a suggestion for something different to liven up the headstone landscape. [The Helsingin Sanomat featured an article in 12.2004 explaining that this is a sculpture by Sakari Peltola entitled Lähettiläs [envoy]. »

As the crushing reality of the US election sinks in, I feel fortunate to have escaped Jesusistan well ahead of the rush. I hear a lot of friends back home say that they're going to stay and fight which, while quaintly patriotic, is a futile and masochistic endeavour. After reading some voter responses as to why they voted for Bush, I more certain than ever that the America we once knew, the one we think of in our dreams, is gone and has been replaced with people who have no intention of upholding the separation of church and state and have no intention of ever giving it back. Those who scoff and say that Roe v. Wade will never be overturned should really take a hard look at all the things falling into place necessary for that to happen. The people who voted for Bush want it and it will come. To quote someone who makes me laugh, "You don't have to be a church-addled fag-stabber to vote for Bush. But it helps!"

Leaving the US will take some time and planning so it would be best to start now and prepare for the difficulties that accompany the transition in becoming an expat. Harper's has a cute, if not terribly useful or informative for the serious to leave, article Electing to Leave. The only statement burning your passport makes is "I am an idiot." You have to have a reason to enter another country with the intent to reside there and those legitimate reasons usually fall within 1) student 2) family ties or 3) work. There are exceptions, of course, but Americans don't qualify for refugee or asylum status in any country as far as I know. Pick a country and talk to the consulate for details on how to apply for a residence visa. Reading some expat blogs may also help understand what life is like as well as choose a country.

It's far better to be an alien in a strange land than to be an alien in your native one.

permalink Ω 5 November 2004, Helsinki

Old glory and a bullhorn

« Bush and Kerry plague just about every bus stop around Helsinki. We should retaliate with something that Finns try desperately to not think about enlarged and illuminated in full-colour glory on billboards all over town....how about Åke Blomqvist? Hmm, no, needs to be more cruel. I'll have to do some research over beer with my psyop crew. »

Nothing starts a Monday and a new week like another vague terrorism alert in your area of the globe. I guess some clerk from the American embassy took the ferry over to Tallinn, got drunk, and someone with a sense of humour started talking about bombing Latvia which, because noone in the US seems to have a current world map, translated into the Baltic and Nordic regions. The news of this warning hit the local Finnish media, in Finnish, long before the following arrived in my inbox. I guess posting email is an arduous, time consuming and difficult task to do quickly for all 40 or so registered Americans in Finland. I feel so much safer now.

The U.S. Department of State wishes to alert U.S. citizens, either resident in or traveling through the Nordic/Baltic region, that it has received threat information and urges all U.S. citizens in the Nordic and Baltic countries to be vigilant as to their surroundings, especially in centers of ground-based mass transit, and to report any unusual or suspicious persons, incidents or circumstances to the nearest police authorities.

The U.S. Department of State will continue to monitor this situation and will revise this announcement as appropriate should other information become available.

Woo! I guess I had best start reporting all those shifty-eyed suspicious looking foreigners here in Finland. I know this one guy, he's an American Libertarian living in Finland. I find that fucking suspicious or at least highly masochistic. He's not real likely to blow up anything though since he's more like Homer Simpson rather than George Jetson. I know quite a few Americans here who didn't vote, too. May I report them? In a country where a neighbour saying hello in the hallway of your apartment building can startle you and seem really strange, are we really supposed to embrace the Ashcroftian-Orwellian state of paranoia and report people? Considering that Herr Bin Laden specifically pointed out Sweden as a country they wouldn't target since it's not a NATO country or has troops in Iraq, it's safe to assume that Finland is in the same company. Also, considering Finland's border guard refused entry to 2 of the 911 hijackers, and possibly others, I think I trust the Finnish police when they say they have no reason to believe that there's anything to worry about far more than the fear machine that generates random, vague, unspecific bullshit every few weeks/months just to manipulate fear levels for some yet unknown purpose. Safer world, my ass.

I went out this afternoon in high hopes that I'd either get hit by a bus driven by a crazed terrorist or bombed on a tram. Sadly, as you can see, I was unsuccessful. Tomorrow I guess I'll just have to wrap myself in Old Glory, march down to Esplanadi, and start shouting through a bullhorn to attract the terrorists who clearly would be thrilled to acquire a target so easily. *cough*

permalink Ω 1 November 2004, Helsinki

Cruel and Unsual Punishment

« I love this quote which is complemented by the 'FUCK ALL' sticker underneath it. »

Only 8 days remain until the election and I'm really quite glad I'm not in the US to watch the final stretch of the election carnival since I think it would be difficult for me to suppress all those natural homicidal urges that such fanfare tends to cultivate. I was NOT amused to see a presidential candidate on a lighted billboard last night while walking home from a movie. Today's Sanomat explained that the billboards are part of an advertising gimmick called Varjovaalit [shadow election]. In addition to the shame and self-loathing most of us Americans who live outside of America feel, must we also be reminded that the rest of the world knows more about the issues at hand and cares more about the outcome of the election than most Americans? I can avoid watching CNN and, well, the rest of the news for the next week, but I can't always avoid that shit-eating grin W has in that poster when I walk by it. I really wish Europe and the rest of the world could vote, but you can't so what's the fucking point of seeing who would win if you did vote? What if Americans had a mock vote for the Finnish presidency - would Finns give a damn? Probably not. Guess what, most Americans won't either.

I wish the Bob agency would have tried something more effective like a "Hey, you! Yeah, you, American expat! Have you gotten off your ass and voted yet?" poster campaign. Only somewhere around 10%-15% of Americans even have a passport much less live abroad at any point in their lives, but there are still enough of us to make a difference in a close election as this one will likely be. There's also a really good chance that an American with a passport is a 'liberal' for all that means to people in the EU where such 'liberals' would be closer to the conservative parties. I voted and now all I can do is avoid CNN, wait, and hope. And resist the urge to deface the Dumbya billboards around town. That picture of Kerry makes him look like Snow Miser from The Year Without a Santa Claus, too. *sigh*

permalink Ω 25 October 2004, Helsinki

CNN is a Dirty Bomb

« If Finnish artists made missiles, I'd guess that this is what they'd look like; the Puuinen KKKK. Tall. Erect. Pointy. Wooden. Geometric. Stylish. »

I've been thinking about going home to see the family I've not seen for nearly 3 years, but the presidential election's circus-like slimefest and fear-mongering, like the 'nuclear terror' special CNN ran tonight, gives me a migraine at the thought of entering American airspace since I figure if I don't get bombed out of the sky or get trapped in the US if something like a dirty bomb did happen, I'd get the "Welcome to Gitmo" travel package from the US customs guards when I refuse the anal probe on presentation of my passport. Dammit, I want to go home and have some Ted Drewe's frozen custard before they close for the season and get some real damn BBQ that you just can't get anywhere else even though plenty of places on the planet try to fake it. I dream sometimes about a big, thick, juicy porterhouse steak and cornbread. I crave food, folks and fun but, in spite of whatever the US media crackheads have been smoking to report 'the world being safer' thanks to the US military, out here in reality I'm just not sure that my desire to visit home exceeds my desire to not get in the way of some wackos when tensions are clearly on the rise. Perhaps I need to send a telegram to the people of America.

YO, AMERICA, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHO SERVED WHERE AND WHEN AS DUMBYA HAS ALREADY BEEN PROVEN A LIAR AND HIS RATINGS STILL ARE BETTER THAN KERRYS STOP SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING TYPOGRAPHY AND AUTHENTICITY OF THE STUPID FUCKING NATIONAL GUARD DOCUMENTS ALREADY STOP IT AINT HELPING STOP REALLY STOP PLEASE START ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT SHIT THAT MATTERS LIKE EDUCATION, ECONOMICS AND MAKING NICE WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD NOW THAT EVERYONE HATES US AND MOST OF US LIVING OUTSIDE THE US PRETEND TO BE CANADIANS WHEN ASKED [EXCEPT IN FINLAND DURING WORLD HOCKEY FINALS] STOP MAYBE TALK ABOUT ALL THE DEAD BODIES OR SOMETHING STOP ANYTHING ASIDE FROM THE COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND UTTERLY AGGRAVATING IDIOTIC EXERCISE IN TRYING TO OUTSNAGGLE THE SPIN MACHINE STOP GEORGIE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC DRUNK DRIVING COKE SNORTING LOSER WHOSE DADDY GOT HIM WHERE HE IS TODAY STOP GET OVER IT AS HE IS AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN COMPARED TO MOST FOLKS THESE DAYS STOP PLEASE SEND CHEEZE-ITS AND CORNDOGS STOP MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE BEFORE NOVEMBER STOP

permalink Ω 20 September 2004, Helsinki

And we didn't even Disco

« HB, tired from the excitement of a car ride and good food, sleeps soundly. »

A long, fun weekend spent in Enschede, the Netherlands, has made us both as tired as HB looks. *yawn* I noticed a book in the in-flight magazine called point it and think it would be great for when you're too tired to really talk, even in your native tongue, to simply point at what you want. Brilliant idea.

permalink Ω 23 August 2004, Helsinki

Rosemary's Baby at the DNC

You know, it's really difficult for me to tell if Ann Coulter is the 2nd coming of Senator McCarthy or a comic genius. I usually don't bother reading her writing as it has often left me with the same feeling I had after reading Mein Kampf or the Unabomber's manifesto. I was rather amazed to read that USA Today dumped her column reporting on the DNC this week which made me curious enough to read the offending text just to see what could have possibly made her persona non grata with a newspaper that has more colour graphics than actual news since reading is hard for the average American. It's impossible to discern if she's being funny or if she's really as insane as she appears.

Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazened with the "F-word" are my opponents.  Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling. 

[...]

As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it's because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council's approval.  Plus, it's no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call "women" at the Democratic National Convention.

I think I need to make a banner that reads "AA-Cup, corndog eatin', cotton wearin' pie wagons for KERRY!", go round up my fellow small boobed femmes and show up at the GOP convention. Coulter looks like a man and isn't exactly well endowed herself so maybe she's saying that she just hangs around the pretty girls since every pretty girl has an ugly sidekick to make her look good. Voting Republican obviously didn't give her big boobies or improve her looks. Perhaps someone forgot to tell her about plastic surgery to giveth what god hath not.

But, seriously, the thought of even one person reading her shit and thinking it's the gospel makes my skin crawl. The Dems are the "Spawn of Satan" now? That rates right up there with the 'evildoers', 'axis of evil' and 'crusade'. It reminds me that these folks who love this kind of dialogue are those who don't think for themselves much and use the word 'flock' to refer to themselves and their friends. They're registered to vote and they vote in large numbers. Expats and escapees who have not registered for an absentee ballot should do so as soon as possible. Please register. Please vote. It's a slim chance that we'll succeed in removing Bush from office, but hope is all we have.

And, Ann Coulter, wherever you are, thanks for reminding me that I needed to register to vote and for giving me the resolve to vote in spite of my waning hope for change. I don't hate America, but I do hate Americans like you who have been placed in positions of power/influence instead of prison or a mental institution.

permalink Ω 29 July 2004, Helsinki

Dalí Centennial

Salvador Dalí, were he still alive, would be 100 years old this year. There is an anniversary exhibit of some of his works until the end of June at the Vanha Satama in Helsinki which, if you admire his work, will be very appealing. I managed to get a free pass for 2 at the Helsinki tourism office when I noticed the passes sitting next to the brochure for the show, so if you want to save yourself 10 or 20 euro, a stop by the tourism office is a good idea. The exhibit has a lovely mixture of lithographs, sculptures and tapestries, including the Gargantua and Pantagruel series which is really clever and brilliant if you're familiar with the book. However, all of the works are for sale, so if you think that paying 10 euro for a high-end museum cum art gallery of reproductions is a bit much, you're probably right. Get a free pass or just visit some of the local galleries who seem to always have Dalí artwork for sale and, as far as I know, don't charge you to browse. Of course, if you have 444,000 euro burning a hole in your pocket, you can purchase the above sculpture and not really dither over the entrance fee. :)

permalink Ω 14 June 2004, Helsinki

The missing 997 words

The power of a picture to evoke a feeling and convey a meaning more elegantly and more efficiently than mere words is, especially in these times, awe inspiring. One of the reasons I enjoy illustrating many of my entries with photos is due to their ability to describe my subject far more completely and without bias than I can. In the wake of the Iraqi prison torture photos I have been waiting and hoping for an explanation of how people could do this, take photos of it and display them proudly on their PC. Regardless of all the rhetoric about 'this is war' or 'but they attacked first' or 'they beheaded an American', I want to understand how anyone and everyone who knew about it and participated in it could follow their orders so completely that they went an extra mile and posed for pictures in which they exuded a pride one usually only sees in game hunter photos including the dead carcass of the one that didn't get away.

Being an American abroad in a country that is neither NATO or supplying combatant troops to Iraq amplifies my feelings of betrayal by my own country and the scrutiny by the rest of the world who don't wonder at the news since they've known all along that we're just a bunch of thugs who frequently break or refashion the rules of engagement to suit our whims. I haven't been proud to be an American in so many years that it seems pointless to try to count them, but this is a new low. Much of America, in a collective white trash playground yawp, will rebutt the outrage by saying something ignorant like "War is hell" or "We saved them from Saddam" while forgetting that the whole exercise was to liberate Iraq, not take over the country and pick up where Saddam left off at Abu Ghraib. Who knew about this and why did it take so long to hit the press? There are a lot of troops over there and a number who have returned already. Why aren't we asking them to stand up and testify? I know a few people serving in Iraq, one of whom was even an MP in or near Baghdad, and every day I resist the urge to send them an email with one line: Did you know? I suppose I don't because I'm afraid that all of them will say yes and I don't know that I have a response to that which wouldn't sound confrontational and accusatory. Of course they knew.

The most disturbing part of the photos is the gloating and posing by the soldiers, but there was something oddly familiar about them, too, that I just couldn't place. Fortunately, Susan Sontag has reminded me why in What Have We Done?":

So, then, the real issue is not the photographs but what the photographs reveal to have happened to "suspects" in American custody? No: the horror of what is shown in the photographs cannot be separated from the horror that the photographs were taken - with the perpetrators posing, gloating, over their helpless captives. German soldiers in the second world war took photographs of the atrocities they were committing in Poland and Russia, but snapshots in which the executioners placed themselves among their victims are exceedingly rare. (See a book just published, Photographing the Holocaust by Janina Struk.) If there is something comparable to what these pictures show it would be some of the photographs - collected in a book entitled Without Sanctuary - of black victims of lynching taken between the 1880s and 1930s, which show smalltown Americans, no doubt most of them church-going, respectable citizens, grinning, beneath the naked mutilated body of a black man or woman hanging behind them from a tree. The lynching photographs were souvenirs of a collective action whose participants felt perfectly justified in what they had done. So are the pictures from Abu Ghraib.

If there is a difference, it is a difference created by the increasing ubiquity of photographic actions. The lynching pictures were in the nature of photographs as trophies - taken by a photographer, in order to be collected, stored in albums; displayed. The pictures taken by American soldiers in Abu Ghraib reflect a shift in the use made of pictures - less objects to be saved than evanescent messages to be disseminated, circulated. A digital camera is a common possession of most soldiers. Where once photographing war was the province of photojournalists, now the soldiers themselves are all photographers - recording their war, their fun, their observations of what they find picturesque, their atrocities - and swapping images among themselves, and emailing them around the globe.

I've seen some of those pictures from the age of lynching as a sport and they are every bit as repellent as the ones from Abu Ghraib. It's pretty sad to think that, in spite of exterminating 6 million people during a war, the Nazi's didn't pose with piles of skulls like a game fisherman who just hauled in a great catch, no, they apparently still had some shred of decency left somewhere. They even had fine Leica cameras to document it with, not some crappy, grainy mobile phone camera. I mean, what in the fuck is going on here? Baseball, Apple Pie and Torture: The American Way makes an attempt to put some of the blame where it belongs, on Americans. Why is America behaving like it's the only damn country who ever sustained an attack by terrorists and are lashing out as though rounding up all the people in Iraq and torturing them is going to either stop terrorism or elicit good will from those who aren't planning to bomb the US?

As someone who isn't living in the back patting, thumbs up, alrighty let's kill some terrorists enclave of the continental US, I'll gladly inform those who are that the only thing that is working, is making those of us with US passports feel even more exposed, more ashamed and desperate to not be mistaken as an American. We keep waiting and watching for some sign, some faint hope that the people of America will find someone to rally around and march on Washington and riot in the streets. I suppose we'll be waiting until the Wal-Mart runs out of cheap crap to buy. America is a country of sheep who follow orders, obediently consume and optimistically hope that no matter if they sit on the couch and do nothing that everything will turn out alright. Optimism. Always.

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words and the only words I've been getting from them are "Fuck the World." I want the other 997 words explaining how in the hell it happened, continued to happen, pictures made it onto screensavers and everyone just watched and 'followed orders'. I want to know this as it's the same thing that happened with Hitler's willing executioners. How is it that the US is the arbiter of democracy and truth? I want those 997 words that the pictures were at a loss to explain.

permalink Ω 25 May 2004, Helsinki

Daily dose of affirmation

I try to stay off the political bent as tapping that vein would produce a gushing Niagara these days, but McSweeney's Daily Reason to Dispatch Bush is a series of bite-sized factoids and quotes that hasn't seemed to get much attention. Of course, the folks who avidly listen to Ann Coulter aren't going to read it because, well, a lot of them don't read so gud [sic], but for the rest of the reading, thinking public, it's a daily affirmation of why we feel the way we do.

permalink Ω 17 May 2004, Helsinki

Old Man Willow

On Monday we had a storm with gale force winds in Helsinki which were strong enough to knock out power lines, nearly knock HB and I to the ground, and, rather tragically, blow over a several hundred year old willow tree. I loved this tree as I remember the first time I saw it. When I visited Helsinki for the first time with Jarkko, the willow was next to the bus station and where the buses would drop off passengers. The road went around rather than through and over the old tree which I took as a sign of a civilised city that understood that 'progress' should have limits. Clearly, the Finns had read The Lorax or thought of the Ents before killing such an old tree to make way for human hustle and bustle.

The Helsingin Sanomat had an archive photo from sometime in 1908 which shows the tree in its younger days. Even then it was in the center of city life. Helsinki Public Works is asking people to contribute stories they have about the tree which I think is a pretty cool idea. Judging by the number of people swarming around the stump and photographing it they should receive quite a few fond remembrances of this stately old willow tree.

The city is going to leave the stump alone until Spring to give the tree the chance to sprout if it decides to fight for its life. I hope they put a fence around it soon though as people were climbing on it and taking knives to hack off a wooden memento which certainly won't do much for the tree's chances of survival. I suspect that it was partly weakened by all the contruction and blasting for the new bus station just behind it, too. :( Here's hoping that it comes back to life with the warm weather.

permalink Ω 1 January 2004, Helsinki

Love Hurts

The stencil graffiti just keeps getting better and this one has a bit of wry humour to it for those who can identify the two men who have been a staple in daily news for the past 20 years. The One-Term President sticker is a nice addition since Dubya is the embodiment of the phrase "Love Hurts" and I like the optimism of 'one term'. Now all it needs is an oil well and Saddam to make the montage complete. :)

permalink Ω 29 December 2003, Helsinki

Big brother meets war chalking

On the sidewalks of Helsinki these little images have started appearing. It took me passing by three of them to realise that they weren't just something a drunken art student did on a Friday night but a deliberate marking to designate that a security camera is present. It's funny that I had never noticed these cameras before the marking, one I originally mistook for an anvil, forced me to see them. In the era of Big Brother rising it would seem to be far more interesting than marking where you can score a free wireless signal. I don't know if there is enough paint in the US to mark all the sidewalks where security cameras are installed but it would be a remarkable US-wide art installation with a Orwellian twist.

permalink Ω 19 April 2003, Helsinki

The dog of peace

The editors of The Bark magazine had a dog [ with a little help from photoshop ] do what people are unable to do these days on movie posters and seemingly many other things; make the sign of peace. It's on the back cover of the latest issue of The Bark or you can download the pdf from their website.

permalink Ω 6 April 2003, Helsinki

Take your freedom fries and stick them where the sun don't shine

In spite of my .mac email application tagging this email as 'junk mail', which gave me a giggle, I was so touched at the American ambassador to Finland being concerned for the welfare of yankees in the hinterland. I registered with the embassy here as one should when living as an expat in a foreign country so that in times of death or other unusual circumstances your body can be shipped 'home' for burial. I feel far more free in Finland than I ever felt in the US, especially now, so I don't need or want protection from the US, thanks. If the US showed up on Finland's shores as they have on Iraq's I'd take a gun and join the Finnish snipers. At the rate the US is going, maybe that's not completely out of the question.

I resent the blatant jingoism and the outright non-secular tone. I feel like writing him back informing him that I'm self-exiled and '...you and the horse you rode in on', but I don't want to get on Ashcroft's list, have my passport yanked and be shipped to Guantanamo Bay for questioning. For the eschelon folks who may be reading this; bite me.

Message for the American Community in Finland from the Ambassador of the United States

As President Bush has said, "This is a difficult and defining moment" in our history as Americans. In his address to the nation last night, he told us: "Our nation enters this conflict reluctantly--yet, our purpose is sure... The dangers to our country and the world will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of peace. We will defend our freedom. We will bring freedom to others, and we will prevail."

American history has seen many difficult and frightening moments in the past, and we have always come through them stronger than before and with a clearer awareness of the values we hold dear. In President Bush?s words, "Now and in the future, Americans will live as free people, not in fear."

Our prayers are with our men and women in uniform, that they may perform their mission speedily and return home safely and soon to their loved ones. Our prayers are also with the innocent people of Iraq, that they may soon be free of Saddam Hussein's decades of tyranny as well as the terror that he has brought upon them.

While it is important to be vigilant during the present days, it is equally important to continue to maintain your quality of life and to be hopeful and optimistic that peace and security will soon be won. Our country and our fellow Americans have prevailed against great odds in the past, and so will we now.

In my role as the United States Ambassador to Finland, I want to assure you that the well-being and safety of all Americans in this country is our first priority and our most important responsibility. We will do our very best to keep you informed and to respond to your concerns and needs at this time. May God bless you and may God bless America.

permalink Ω 26 March 2003, Helsinki

Despair, Inc. should have a Bush Administration collection :)

permalink Ω 16 January 2003, Helsinki

I hope the US Armed Forces use GPS

In an utterly appalling article today, CNN reported that 87% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 cannot find Iraq on a political map in a survey administered by National Geographic. How utterly disgraceful to be prepared to go to war with a country and not have any idea where it is, especially considering we have already had one war with them 10 years ago. On a map of the world, I have marked Afghanistan and Iraq with a little fez hat if any of those people happen to be reading this.

My parents always subscribed to National Geographic Magazine which often came with maps and always had pictures of exotic places I would fantasize about seeing in person some day. Daddy bought me a National Geographic political globe for Christmas when I was 8 that had a really cool plastic guide for tracking the position of the sun over the course of the year. I can't fathom such a profound ignorance of geography as it is not only who you are but where you are and where everyone else is. For those with kids it's never to early to subscribe to NG Mag or get an Atlas of the World to foster an interest in what lies outside and around the world. Jarkko and I have at least 12 of them :)

permalink Ω 20 November 2002, Helsinki

B.A.R.K.S.

Since HB is an old dog he has the expected stiffness and pains that come with being geriatric and the vet gave me a short course of Rimadyl® after a short bout of limping he had recently. I like to be knowledgeable about the drugs I consume so I was curious about this drug as he hasn't had any prescriptions for anything since he was a puppy. What I found elsewhere on the web scared me a bit and gave me some serious concerns about giving the drug to HB.

While there is no conclusive evidence to prove that Rimadyl® causes death there are enough stories and statistics the Senior Dogs Project have neatly organised to warrant any pet owner to be very cautious in dispensing the drug to their pets and be educated in the toxicity warning signs. Don't be a statistic and tell friends with pets to read up as being aware of the side effects could save a lot of cherished pets lives. I may print out a few of the B.A.R.K.S. posters, laminate them and post them along the bike path for other pet owners to read.

permalink Ω 19 November 2002, Helsinki

Jesus rides the bus

I really dislike the leviathan SUVs which terrorize the roadways these days almost as much as I dislike organised religion but I ran across What Would Jesus Drive? today and thought that religion might actually be useful for something. Hey, if it takes a directive from a remote deity to get you to recognise the Earth is a finite resource and that we're doing a pretty damn good job of destroying it faster with every passing year then get to it. Advocating public transportation and bikeways! Divine! Go Jesus, Go!.

permalink Ω 19 November 2002, Helsinki

...swimmin' pools, moovee stars

Salon has a provocative article on the DSSA today, Buy Linux. It's the Law, detailing the attempt to make Open Source a legislated and mandated by law "standard". I am aghast that the silent majority of people who actually write code and create what these public and attention-seeking talking heads are going on about would allow this travesty to continue. I find it amusing that the irony is lost on those who are hoping this comes to pass and terrified to think of what will come should they succeed in doing so.

While Tim O'Reilly put a polite spin on the whole circus I have but one question: Are you people out of your fucking minds?! Laws don't make you free, they make you an obedient servant to the hive. And software is only a tiny percentage of the actual cost of computing, just think of the billions of dollars of training and support the State of California will need in order to make this transition. I would almost be willing to bet that those who are the most eager to see this legislation pass have their eyes on the training and support cash pipeline.

I and every other entity should have the right to choose whatever software we think will serve us best even if it is, by popular and professional opinion, an inferior or poor choice. People would be ready to march on Washington if this were Microsoft so why aren't people similarly incensed by this ludicrous attempt to scam the public into thinking that it will save government money and make information be free when it will, in reality, cost them far more. It is a lie borne of an ideal which will fail and should be rejected.

I'm not a religious person but maybe I'll rub my lucky Sun Enterprise server key in hope that the quiet ones, the people who do most of the work, the people who avoid the spotlight and license skirmishes will get pissed off at the arrogance and the politics which are being weilded in the name of 'freedom' and fight back before it becomes 'hypocrite source'.

And remember, the nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

permalink Ω 27 August 2002, Helsinki

HOPE

Wired reminded me that this weekend is H2K2, Hackers on Planet Earth 2002. I was tempted to attend just for the sake of nostalgia but the lawn needs mowing and I feel too old and out of the loop anymore.

I attended the first HOPE in 1994 since I was on my way to Rockport, MA that week anyway and I had a lot of friends from the NYC BBS MindVox, a.k.a. phantom.com, whom I could hang out with and enjoy a rollicking weekend of hacking, drinking and "spot the fed".

The best moment in the conference was when a drunken Charles Platt, writer for Wired and sci-fi author, screamed "WHERE'S THE CRIME?!" in the back of the MetroCard hacking talk. Charles was a regular on MindVox and we were all amused by that. Nick Jarecki, a.k.a. Razor, a rather precocious and horny little 14 year-old boy followed me around for days hoping to have his way with me in spite of my increasingly hostile rejections. NPR interviewed him so he thought he was famous and therefore worthy of some female groupies. I wonder where he is now.

My volvo got towed while I was at HOPE and getting it out of the impound was quite the adventure. Since the system was unable to verify an out of state plate and VIN on Sunday [ no, I still don't get that either ], I had to call the Missouri State Highway Patrol to get them to talk to the guy behind the counter to convince him to let me have my car back for a mere $175 that Charles Platt had leant to me [ they didn't take credit either ]. That's the last time I trust a doorman to tell me if parking is valid and to watch my car for $20.

J.C. Herz wrote Surfing on the Internet which largely featured our small corner of the Internet back in the good old days. I should wear my HOPE Staff shirt to work tomorrow :)

voidmstr's law(tm): bandwidth expands to fit the waste available

permalink Ω 14 July 2002, Helsinki

Wiener Boy eats Coney Island

The Economist has a story this week about Takeru The Tsunami Kobayashi, the man who ate 50 1/2 hot-dogs in 12 minutes. I read this story as I was watching "American Eats: History on a Bun" on the History Channel that colourfully told the history and stories behind such all-American foods like Jell-O, hamburgers, pizza and the democratic hot-dog. I am amazed that any human could consume 50.5 hot-dogs in 12 minutes. If I eat just a little too much my stomach becomes very uncomfortable so I cannot fathom just how painful 50+ hot-dogs must be without a Roman incident.

What an unusual story for the Economist to print considering how grotesque this contest seems in a world where starvation still exists and running it alongside the The Future of AIDS where more people die every day from AIDS than all of the victims of 9-11.

Why is this entertainment?

permalink Ω 14 July 2002, Helsinki

Start hoarding the TP

Divine.com, formerly Open Market, is our neighbor who was recently in the news for informing their employees making more than $60k per year that they would be receiving a 50% pay cut for the month of May and a 3.8% reduction thereafter. The parking lot remains full even though many deride the company for such extreme measures.

Here at Nokia the economising has come in much more subtle ways in the past year, last week we were asked to conserve on energy as much as possible and this week all of the building flora will be removed to save on the cost of plant maintenance by Rentokil [ pronounced Rent-to-kill and is the best company name ever :) ]. I've decided that I will bring a couple of rolls of toilet paper to work and hide them in my desk just in case they decide to cut the last perk we have; fresh, soft and complimentary toilet paper.

permalink Ω 30 April 2002, Helsinki

Build your own heros

What ever happened to heros we could relate to in their unrealistic superpowers? Kids these days are now being offered George Bush and Rudy Guilliani as 'heros'.

However, you can order a custom action figure so maybe it's time we made Captain Perl a reality! :)

permalink Ω 27 April 2002, Helsinki

Hell hath no fury

The Catholic Church is getting a lot of attention these days due to practices we all used to joke and trade stories about in gradeschool but there's another controversy brewing that could be far more troublesome for the church; Bake Sale grannies aren't sharing the profits in protest. There's nothing that gets the attention of the Catholic Church faster than multi-million dollar lawsuits and parishners passing on the tithe...oh, and women wanting to be clergy.

As an American woman in her 30s, I have always felt equal to men in the workplace and at home. Only at church do I feel an injustice and powerlessness that I encounter in no other area of my life. Only at church am I marginalized. It's simple: Priests are men. Therefore, men run things in the church. When an associate pastor spoke vehemently one Sunday several years ago, in a sort of my church love it or leave it homily, about why women could never be priests in the Catholic Church, I could only sit and seethe.

Go ahead, I thought, tell my daughters one more time why they're not good enough. He's mistaken, I told them later. Sexism is a sin, just like racism. I think by the time you're grown-ups, women will be priests. That's what I'm praying for.

Funny, my mother said the same thing to me and my sisters 30 years ago. Bake cookies for the needy and the starving and save your prayers sister as the Church ain't changing anytime soon.

permalink Ω 18 April 2002, Helsinki

Dot Gone Art

Still have some business cards to find a use for after making your dot bomb icosahedron? Don't despair, make them into a Dot-Gone Art Show!

permalink Ω 18 April 2002, Helsinki

Infernal Revenue Squad

Today is the day US Tax forms are due unless you filed for an extension. I used to love waiting until midnite with my 1040EZ to drive down to the post office and get in line for the drive-by postal drop the USPS usually has every year at larger post offices. It was always a party as you had lots of people celebrating waiting until the end to hang on to their money or simply protesting taxation but, fearing the long arm of the IRS, paying up at the last minute. I was on the local news one year when a few friends and I lurched towards the post office like tax lemmings and the newscaster asked us why we were up at 1am driving by the postoffice. Of course we gave sassy answers and my Father saw it on the news the next evening...not amused :)

Ever since I found macintax/turbotax I've been filing in February as it makes the unpleasant task a bit more bearable since you just plug in a bit of information and it spews out all the forms with how much you owe and where to send what forms.

Until 1955 taxes were due on the Ides of March instead of April! I'd have to wear a toga down to the post office and get a few friends to reenact the scene from Julius Caesar just to see if anyone would get the joke :) "Friends, Romans, Countrymen...can you spot me a few grand so the IRS doesn't take my house?!" There is a wonderful collection of taxation history at The Tax History Project so you can see just how long people have been paying taxes and just how easy we have it these days.

permalink Ω 15 April 2002, Helsinki

The $50 Million Dollar Booty

A few months ago I wrote about the obese suing the fast food industry for making them fat. Well....it has begun. A woman is suing a snack food company for "emotional distress" due to an error on the nutrition label for Pirate's Booty.

NEW YORK (AP) — A woman is suing a snack food company for $50 million saying its label on Pirate's Booty corn and rice puffs foiled her diet. In her lawsuit, Meredith Berkman, 37, claims she suffered emotional distress because the snack contained three times more fat than its label advertised. Berkman said it caused her weight gain ... mental anguish, outrage and indignation.

Pirate's Booty, manufactured by Robert's American Gourmet Food, Inc., was recalled in January after the Good Housekeeping Institute found it contained 147 calories and 8.5 grams of fat, while its label said it contained only 120 calories and 2.5 grams of fat.

Fifty MILLION?! Damn, I better start chowing down so I too can find someone to sue for my resulting corpulence. I wonder what Jabba would do at a time like this.

permalink Ω 13 April 2002, Helsinki

Translatori Patri

As a recovering Catholic I'm pretty familiar with the Pontifical Encyclicals written in Latin but those only familiar with the Church through friends or Growing Up Catholic are probably pretty confused by the current crisis. Well, be confused no more, see the Papal Translator [ utterly brilliant animation ] to get a better understanding of his holy pontiffness and the Church.

permalink Ω 13 April 2002, Helsinki

Archiving history digitally

I'm not terribly enthused by the September 11th memorial plans but I ran across the 911 Digital Archive and thought it a nicely organised and beautifully presented archive of something that will be remembered for a long time to come. It is also serving as a learning experiment in digital archival techniques funded by the A.P.Sloan Foundation.

permalink Ω 12 April 2002, Helsinki

Stock up on Depends

For years the data has been clear but the dirty little topic that noone wants to talk about is Social Security and the impending crisis due to an aging baby boom population. Politicians keep talking about lower taxes and spend the SS 'surplus' without regard to this statistical certainty and people are willing to believe that somehow it will all be taken care of by the time they retire. Massachusetts, A.K.A. Taxachusetts, has one of the highest rates of taxation in the 50 states yet even after years of economic boom we are in severe deficit with politicians still telling people the fairy tale of lower taxes they want to hear.

We scoff at the Scandinavian countries for having such high taxation but they not only have health care, retirement and the best education on the planet, they also have been aware of this problem for years and are taking steps to help alleviate the problem before it arrives. I fear it is already too late for the slow bureaucratic machine that only moves quickly when there are bombs involved to address this situation before it is a crisis. Retirement will be a thing of the past for the working class.

permalink Ω 8 April 2002, Helsinki

Salty Camel

In one of my former lives I worked on a large botanical taxonomic database back in the days when anything over 25mhz was a supercomputer. Wired featured an article about The Whole Critter Catalogue where scientists are trying to identify and classify every species in the next 25 years. Taxonomy makes DNA look like a walk in the park. As a chemist I was completely amazed by how disorganised and unsystematic taxonomy methodologies were when I was working with the database for just one flora and I can only imagine the mayhem and difficulty involved with a flora of the entire planet.

Coupled with the biodiversity mavens like E.O.Wilson, this is precisely what technology should be used for in order to catalogue species before they disappear and, hopefully, help keep them from disappearing. They recently found a new species of Camel that thrives on salty water but is in danger of extinction. I'm not sure if knowing about the species we humans manage to erase from the planet is better than blissful ignorance, but I sincerely hope the planet wins in the end.

permalink Ω 13 March 2002, Helsinki

Stupid White Guys

Feeling like the news is really a satellite feed from the planet Mayberry these days? Well, it's time to run, not walk, to the bookshop and get a copy of Stupid White Men by Michael Moore who did Roger & Me. Ironically his cameraman for that film was a cousin of Dubya. How many cousins does Bush have as he seems to be related to the entire administration of Florida and Texas? Bill O'Reilly interviewed Moore and stayed on the ever so predictible if you aren't completely behind capitalism you must be a socialist line of reasoning which is wrong but it helps the capitalists justify outright theft as 'progress'. Enron is just a new form of progress! Go buy the book. I just wrote my congressmen and you will too.

permalink Ω 27 February 2002, Helsinki

Church or state

The Americans United for Separation of Church and State has an interesting article on their opposition to the school voucher program.

permalink Ω 26 February 2002, Helsinki

Environmentally correct Bush

The American people haven't seemed all that concerned for the environment in the past 3 decades and presidents have not been crusaders for the environment either. Currently, we're back to the days of James Watt prospecting for resouces in national parks and other pristine wilderness because our current insatiable need for fuel outweighs the need to preserve anything for posterity. In light of more drilling, less fuel efficiency legislation and spending cuts on alternative fuel research I find it rather curious that the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas is amazingly ecofriendly. I get the feeling that Laura Bush was behind this and wonder what she thinks of George cutting the budget for libraries by $38 million or so just as she kicked off a national campaign for "America's Libraries".

permalink Ω 26 February 2002, Helsinki

West Winger a Left Winger?

In a momentary lapse of homogeneity the wire has a story about the creator of West Wing Aaron Sorkin saying the US is pretending that Bush is competent and he makes an interesting point that it may be a comforting illusion in the wake of last year. I hope people wake up soon.

permalink Ω 25 February 2002, Helsinki

Here's a shocker

Try to contain your shock and amazment but Dubya is back on the campaign trail to destroy an arctic wildlife preserve to generate more jobs and theoretically reduce our need for foreign oil. What a load of baloney as since when did giving people more of something make them conserve and hold precious the surplus? I should consider joining Greenpeace. Only idiots would think this is a good idea since wilderness and our environment is a non-renewable and non-replaceable resource. Apparently Capitol Hill has no shortage of idiots.

permalink Ω 23 February 2002, Helsinki

Nuke 'em

In an astonishingly stupid move the US has decide to erase a 24-year pledge to not use nuclear weapons on people who don't have the same capabilities. Translation: We'll be able to make the rubble of Afghanistan glow in the dark now too.

permalink Ω 23 February 2002, Helsinki

Spin is in

The US is looking to a 66 year old female Texan to change the perception that the US is more than just a bunch of terroristic thugs.

She got me to buy Uncle Ben's rice, says Colin Powell. Perhaps the new secret campaign will be to get all the terrorists in the world to buy Uncle Ben's rice for dinner...sure beats pop tarts.

permalink Ω 23 February 2002, Helsinki

Toss out your Ciprofloxin

Feeling a little under the weather? Got a sniffle? Well, repent ye sinner!. I guess the Dark Ages are coming back in style just like bad disco. Where did I put my hair shirt?!

permalink Ω 8 February 2002, Helsinki

I wonder if there was a JarJarCo for Caribbean Rum

George Lucas finds Enron's lack of Lucasfilm Trademark compliance disturbing . They can weasel out of talking to the Feds but Darth has the goods on them. Justice may yet come. Where are the Jedi when you need them anyway? :)

permalink Ω 8 February 2002, Helsinki

Bigger is not always better

The drama around the HP merger continues to grow and it's somewhat amusing to watch the internal executive email missives to us employees cheer it on attempting to make it seem that the merger and the subsequent 30,000 jobs lost in the process will be an exciting event for everyone involved. There's even a website for the merger to get shareholders to Vote the HP Way. Noone has actually said what actual good will come of the merger but many seem convinced, even the EU, that change is good in spite of the fact that HP has fallen well behind in markets it once dominated and is going into the services market which Compaq isn't really known for. Walter Hewlett has been very vocal is opposing the merger with his website Vote No, but he will probably be silenced in the march to conglomeration in the very near future.

permalink Ω 30 January 2002, Helsinki

St. Fuchs of Latex?

One would think that with all the bribery and corruption surrounding the Salt Lake City Olympic Selection committee that people would be outraged by some of the criminal activity but, no, they are protesting condoms being dispensed to the olympic athletes on the grounds that they promote casual sex. Perhaps some of the athletes are married and condoms are their only option for contraception. I guess they aren't aware that there is a disease called AIDS that is epidemic in proportion in Africa where most people die from it due to pharmaceuticals not being affordable and that telling people they may not have sex outside the confines of marriage and it's amoral to use condoms sounds like a reasonable solution. I guess that's what happens to you when you live your entire life in suburbia.

Finland should send the karelian condom fairy along with their olympic team to liven things up a bit. Perhaps the Preparation-H guy from Late Night with Conan O'Brien could team up with the Condom Fairy so they can treat the clearly hemorrhoid afflicted condom protestors at the same time. I guess that puts my "Joy of Sex" Olympic Village bookstore I had planned right out the window. Damn.

permalink Ω 30 January 2002, Helsinki

Hey, he's got a gun!...oh, wait....

It has always been my understanding that Academia only revokes degrees already conferred upon a graduate in extreme circumstances nearly always in situations of questionable academic integrity. Well, apparently, Penn State revoked the degree of a guy who ran in his undies down East Beaver Avenue as the crowd dubbed him "mullet man". Let that be a lesson to all you co-eds; drink, smoke, screw like bunnies just don't dare go running into a riot with your boxer shorts on lest you wind up like the mullet man. Pranks will not be tolerated and the beatings will continue until morale improves.

permalink Ω 27 January 2002, Helsinki

Draping Justice

I'm sure you've heard of the Six Million-dollar Man but have you heard about the 8 Thousand dollar boobie? Ironically the statues are the Spirit and the Majesty of Justice who won't be seen again for quite a long time. There is a rumour that the Spirit of Justice will be replaced by a statue of Janet Reno. How sad.

permalink Ω 26 January 2002, Helsinki

Vos vestros servate, meos mihi linquite mores

There's a Saint for everything, even the internet, St. Isidore of Seville. The Pope even sent his first e-message via the internet today and declared that the internet needs to be regulated to reduce depravity in the world. Hey, I like the online depravity of use.perl and #perl and such. Of course, the net is impossible to fully 'regulate' but I guess he's obligated to say it even if it'll never happen.

"He said the Catholic Church had adapted to every discovery through the ages, from the Renaissance to the invention of printing and the Industrial Revolution, and must now learn to reach the masses via cyberspace. "

Somebody better wake up Galileo and Kepler! :) That's funny. The Holy See has one of the most attractive web sites out there though it's a pity they don't have the library online. For those of you who can't wait for the church to 'adapt' and 'reach the masses' you can use The Internet Confssional which is powered by Perl :)

Perl: Powering Absolution. The Pope would make one hell of a spokesma n :)

permalink Ω 23 January 2002, Helsinki

I'll bet that flight sucked! :)

The attack of the terrorist sucking toilet!.....overwhelmed with schadenfreude I can just picture the warning notices that will appear in airplane loos in the next few months; "Please remove ass from seat before flushing as you could be stuck here for 6 hours" or "Not to be used as a flotation device but has been shown to make an excellent ass vacuum"....

permalink Ω 21 January 2002, Helsinki

Huked awn phawniks werked fer me....

My sisters Gayle and Anne had the misfortune of being treated to one of the worst educational fads of the last century, Phonics. Neither of them can spell worth a damn even now so I'm a bit disturbed to see it still alive and kicking.

Ever wonder where passenger planes go to die? Well, now you can buy parts from the boneyard just in case you have always wanted to decorate your house like a 747 or maybe you want to build your own unique airframe home.

And, after all the hubbub over the ginger thing this week, one article exposes how this new device will replace walking in a society that could use a walk around the cube farm more often. Close to 20% of America is obese, one in 5 people, which any trip to the shopping mall will tell you is true and it's becoming a huge problem for kids as well. So, why is this thing that replaces walking such a boon? and will they make it able to withstand the tare weight of someone who weighs 250+ pounds? Walking is simple, it's healthful and it doesn't weigh 80 pounds or cost $3k either. "the first enhancement to personal travel that fully integrates the user in the pedestrian world." Whatever. Try walking for a change. Save $2,900 and go buy a nice pair of walking shoes instead.

permalink Ω 8 December 2001, Helsinki

Teengers download porn, News at 11!

Only in America would the fact that teenagers are using their laptops to download porn be a newsworthy item. I should volunteer to teach a class showing all the kids how to use PGP on their macs to keep them out of trouble and to keep their parents thinking that the kids still buy the stork story. I mean, it's all the laptop and Internet's fault since kids used to have to go down and buy Playboy Magazine at a seedy liquor store, right? Of course, we wouldn't want parents talking to their children about what porn is and why it is often offensive to people as that would require actual parent-child communication about S - E - X. No, we'll just punish all the kids and tell them it's bad to make it even more popular than ever before!

permalink Ω 7 December 2001, Helsinki

Holy Cosmic Leonids, Batman!

I wanted to stay awake for the Leonid meteor shower early this morning but I just couldn't do it after mowing, mulching, a hoovering the leaves from the lawn yesterday. It was less spectacular than the predicted 4000 an hour but a few intrepid souls stayed up and took some nice photos of the event. I have Starry Night Pro for the Mac which is the neatest software if you are into astronomy at all. The same company also recently released Deep Space Explorer which looks just as interesting and as well done as Starry Night.

permalink Ω 18 November 2001, Helsinki

But Wait! That's not all!

I know you have been concerned about the whole 'anthrax by mail' thing so now you can buy the anthrax exterminator for $99.99 plus shipping and handling and, if you order now, you get a free "EZ Biohazard Kit" complete with an antimicrobial hand!. Maybe I should start selling small bottles of chlorine bleach as special 'anthrax eradicator spray' for $19.99 per 8oz. bottle. Perhaps Ron Popeil will invent an Anthrax Cooker. America. You're soaking in it.

permalink Ω 28 October 2001, Helsinki

Pressed 4 Mail

I used to get teased by the kids on my block because my mother made me iron my jeans with a straight crease. I would often retort by asking my mother if I should iron my underwear as well which would always backfire. Never tempt fate when dealing with a German woman, you'll live longer.

Since leaving home, I can't remember the last time I actually ironed an article of clothing as I either don't care or am not qualified to iron the article in question and have it cleaned by the service at work called "Pressed 4 Time". Now ironing your mail is being touted as a possible alternative to having your own personal surgical autoclave to sterilize your mail. It's something straight out of a Howard Hughes biography along with ironing the morning paper for crispness.

So ironing my mail is probably out...hmm..I wonder if boiling all that junk mail is the way to go or maybe putting questionable letters in the mailbox of the family down the street with the obnoxious dog who likes to bully HB.

Confucius say "May you live in interesting times."

permalink Ω 18 October 2001, Helsinki

Poppies....poppies....

When PM Tony Blair mentioned that 90% of the heroin on the streets of London originates from Afghanistan it made me wonder where the other 10% comes from. I had a friend appear on the doorstep of my flat one night dressed like boy george and white as a sheet. I had heard he was having problems though I'd not seen him much. I knew immediately that he was doing heroin and wondered what in the hell had become of this nice 18 year old kid who was a pretty good programmer and fun to go clubbing with. That was 15 years ago and I imagine there are others much like him who are now faced with the supply of their addiction dwindling.

Afghanistan, however, is not the most prolific producer of heroin, Burma, nee Myanmar is though Afghanistan does appear to have increased production significantly after the war with Russia ceased in 1989. Making heroin from poppies, or papaver somniferum is a somewhat risky and often tedious process. A concise historical timeline of heroin is rather interesting and it's quite ironic that heroin was introduced to help morphine addicts kick the habit.

Opium: A History is a well crafted history of the drug and the events surrounding it from 4000BC to the present. Confessions of an English Opium Eater by Thomas De Quincey is a classic account of addiction. Ben Stiller also gives an amazing performance as a heroin addict with a perfect life but who can't escape the drug in Permanent Midnight.

permalink Ω 12 October 2001, Helsinki

A terrific PBS program

WGBH just aired Islam: Empire of Faith tonight, a 2 hour look at the history of Islam. Definitely worth finding your local listing or calling up your local PBS station to request it. Also, if you can't bear to read the complete history of Islam, The Modern Library has a new series called The Modern Library Chronicles which are short, well done books and they have a volume Islam: A Short History.

permalink Ω 10 October 2001, Helsinki

The Euros are coming!

While the US news media is too busy hyping the Anthrax case in Florida to cover the biggest economic happening in European Union, I thought I would note that on 1 January 2002, 13 of the 15 member countries will officially begin to use the Euro in circulation. In Finland, everywhere you go, everything is marked in both Finnish Markka and Euro. So much history is behind many of the different currencies that it's a historic moment that so many countries can set aside their attachments to their respective identities to agree on using one single currency.

The logistics of this task alone is amazing. The Suomen Pankki [ Bank of Finland ] has a plan on-line of how they will change to using the Euro. One interesting situation will be what the bars and other businesses open prior to and after midnight on New Year's Eve will do at the stroke of midnight.

I've always thought that the US banknotes are bland and bordering on ugly when compared to the rest of the world currencies. The Euro notes and coins are beautiful both in their design and colours with each country getting a country specific design on the flip side of the coins. The notes vary in size and have an architectural theme ranging from the classical on the 5 Euro note to the modern on the 500 Euro note.

The History of Money and Sterling: The History of a Currency [ The UK is not one of the countries changing to the Euro and this helps illuminate some of the history behind the Pound ] are both enjoyable books for those interested.

So, all you currency module writers, and you know who you are, better make sure you are all prepared for the Euro. I know I'll enjoy travelling without 13 different currencies in my pocket from now on :)

permalink Ω 9 October 2001, Helsinki

We come in peace [ shoot to kill ]

We heard about the bombings in Afghanistan yesterday on NPR as we were heading North to take part in the annual leaf peeper pariah parade. We drove along admiring the exuberant beauty of the reds and oranges while listening to Dubya tell the Afghans that while we may be bombing what little is left of their country that we are their friends. I would have trouble, were I an Afghan, believing that especially after being pretty damn scared by the HUGE transport planes that flew over the house on Saturday night. It all seems so odd that the US goes on and on and on and on about how we were 'attacked' yet we sit on the couch and watch the destruction of other countries on CNN as though it were theatre of the absurd and macabre crusades from the 6th century. We say that they 'asked for it' yet noone has mentioned what we did to 'ask for' their attacks. I suppose it's easier to label a minority as angry, crazy freaks than figure out what the problem might really be to start with. "Kill them all for surely...." History continues to repeat itself. How boring and banal, no wonder aliens don't come to visit for long if at all.

The US is also, apparently, dropping humanitarian aid along with the bombs in the form of MREs with peanut butter and jam. Jarkko, however, discovered the absolutely perfect food which to airlift to the Afghans that is sure to make them sing "God Bless America, home of the fast food and land of the strip mall with 24 hour grocery stores except in Mass. due to some funky blue laws..."; Hostess Scary Cakes! complete with S'Cream Filling! Not only do they have enough preservatives to keep them fresh for decades but the bonus cake would be a symbol of American freedom and bounty. Maybe a few twinkies couldn't hurt either. Well, if nothing else, the kids sure will love us :) They can have a new hero too, Captain Cupcake and his ho-hos....

And if bombing the rest of the planet in the name of some non-existant deity or ideology wasn't enough to lift my spirits I read an article about other people who have gone through the outsourcing circus.