Every nation an island
« The boat quay on Koivusaari in late spring. The round disk just to the left of the point light is illuminated in the darker months with what I think is the phase of the moon since it often corresponds to the moon when it isn't too cloudy to compare them. [In fact, if anyone from the boat club knows about the lunar light and can confirm or deny my supposition, send me an email as I've been wondering what its story is for quite some time.] »
A long quiet weekend of laundry, cleaning, reading, scanning the backlog of photos, baking coffeecake and watching Jarkko play WoW. I was very amused when he wondered if the player with the nick 'Koskenkorva' might be Finnish. Uh...yeah, very probably. :)
I was also pretty amused by a Dubai land development called The World" which features a few hundred island nations for sale to those who have always wanted to, say, own Finland. A thinking person probably wouldn't blow a few dozen million bucks on a sandbar with services in the Arabian Gulf after seeing what is happening to Tuvalu and other similar islands. I suppose there will be at least a symbolic swallowing of 'The World' by the sea when the time comes which will be fun to watch on CNN.
John Cleese explains Backup Trauma in a hilarious satire that almost makes me want to cry at the end. For every twat in the technorati who likes to prattle on about 'innovation' and 'emerging technologies' I'd like to make them be tape monkeys for a week or two. I get pretty irate when recycling old ideas with different software passes as innovation while we're still dealing with the same damn hardware that we've been dealing with for about 20 years. The only difference is that it's smaller and faster and holds a lot more data. It's like saying the cup holder in your car is an innovation for automobiles. Mostly, it's just a frilly distraction from the fact that it's still just a combustion engine that works very much like the one your grandparents drove. I'd pay good money to see Charles Platt scream "Where's the innovation?!" in tech conferences these days.
The news usually provides daily affirmations as to why I left the US, but the article Soldiers of Christ I might tide me over for a few months.
permalink Ω 6 June 2005, Helsinki
Trouble
« Found polaroids. »
Sometimes when you find fragments of someone else's life on top of a rubbish bin it can be fun to sort of wonder what it all means outside of any guiding context. I'm a fan and frequent visitor to Found Magazine which offers me vicarious enjoyment of such voyeurism. On Sunday, we found 2 polaroids and a music CD that I've been rather entertained with today.
I dig the bavarian drinking team in the picture on the left and the drinking game based on Kimble which is the Finnish name for the pop-o-matic goodness of Trouble. I suppose that having a drinking game called Trouble, much like Vomit or Hangover, would be too perfect which might explain the name change. Kimble? I wonder who chose that as Trouble's replacement. Don't kids just play quarters or 'Hi,Bob!' anymore? I don't suppose the Bob Newhart Show is on TV these days even if it did make it to Finland, but there's always the DVD. One of my co-workers mentioned that the picture might be from the Norske Kimble Cup, apparently some Pan-Nordic chemistry student drinking competition at HUT as though anyone really needs an excuse to drink vast quantities of cheap(er) booze. The photo on the right features a guy getting dolled up with dangly earrings which makes me wonder what possible situation might prompt a guy into wearing those things but I'll guess that there was some alcohol involved in getting there. :)
The found CD contained only one track, It's Easy by Prince Vaka Vaka [mp3, ~3.5mb] with a logo that read "The Royal Alpine Ski Team Tuvalu." Alpine Skiing in Tuvalu? What? I think the highest point on the coral atoll is 5 metres above sea level, if that much. I went poking around the net with google and discovered that it's a gimmicky ad campaign for Pohjola and I'm not entirely sure that Prince Vaka Vaka isn't just an elaborate joke with a goofy video [qtime, ~.5mb] and bio.
- According to Tuvaluvan legend, Vaka Vaka can turn into a tiger. (With a beer gut like that?)
- Vaka Vaka was born with two belly buttons. He lost one in a wrestling match against a Samoan prince. (What, was the Samoan prince missing his?)
- Vaka Vaka considers King Kalle of Finland his top opponent in the upcoming season. (King who?)
Judging by the song, they found this guy on Tuvalu's Idols or in a karaoke pub in Kallio. The downside of a campaign that works so hard at being a clever joke is that I still have no idea what 'It's so easy' is selling unless it's a travel agency pushing quiet polynesian holidays on Tuvalu before the Pacific rises and swallows it in a few years. Or maybe they're selling flood insurance for the 19-25 set. Perhaps they should have a policy for accidental loss of drunken party polaroids. :)
permalink Ω 20 April 2005, Helsinki
Bad Ideas
« Hung between the squeaky piggies and nylon chew bones were an altogether different kind of squeaky chew bone. I wondered if they were beef flavoured and if they were a hot item with women who want to have their dog chew on them in front of an annoying boyfriend as a way to run them off. :) »
Another product of a bad idea: the new Fizz Lime Cider. It tastes like someone poured cider into your G&T. There's a reason why it's the "World's first lime cider".
permalink Ω 9 April 2005, Helsinki
Get the Beergoggles
« Viking Line: March is Mediterranean month. Start drinking now and maybe by April this woman will look good. »
Viking Cruise Line has put up pole banners around town with this 'Mediterranean' woman to advertise that March on their cruise ships will feature Mediterranean wines and food. I would guess that they used the ugliest stock photo they could find to make the ad memorable as I can't figure that the picture was used to attract guys thinking about hot, sexy Italian chicks. It's an ad that really deserves a good tagline....
- Beer! Making ugly people look good for as long as we can remember!
- Stop drinking when this woman starts to look good.
- This is your hangover on Greek wine.
- Mamma Mia!
- We brought back all the good wine and food, but left Mamma in Italy.
- Did we take a left turn at Germany?!
- Is that a moustache...?
I'm too cold to be amusing today as the price of seeing the glowing orb low in the sky is clear skies which radiate off all the heat leaving us with -16C. An hour or more of Otava taking me for a walk to the park is a bit cold. He doesn't seem to notice the frigid temperatures or my teeth chittering away at all. *brrrrr* I'd wish for warm weather but since it's at least four months away, I'll just wish for hot rum drinks instead.
permalink Ω 22 February 2005, Helsinki
Killing Klaus
« The Dipoli pinecone at HUT. »
This week has been a haze of still feeling crappy from the flu, tired from not getting enough sleep, and frustration with computers that still haven't made me and my kind obsolete yet. Where is my Star Trek future? Who the hell cares about teleportation when we're still using metal tape.
For those who have been wanting to come visit Otava, my apologies for not being more organized. I'll plan something this weekend for date in the near future.
And, since the story about the Estonian TV ads from the 80s the Sanomat ran the Sunday before last has made the rounds on the net this week...someone at work posted a German safety film parody done by a film student that I have dubbed, They killed Klaus! [~9mins/5mb]. It helps if you understand German, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't hear most of the dialogue anyway.
permalink Ω 17 February 2005, Helsinki
Nice Badonkadonk and Bass, baby!
« More proof that whatever your kink there is porn just for you. This is the 2005 Women in Waders calendar as seen in the fishing shop nearby. I'm sure women go fly fishing dressed in a tiny bikini to pose with a strategically placed bass all the time. "Because your buddy never looked this good in waders..." Well, they've got a point. This year's calendar is already sold out so you'd better pre-order 2006 so you don't have to settle for Beauty and the Bass next year! I'm sad they don't have a calendar of Furry Knuckles. :)»
Amusement of the day: the JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank. I'm still not sure if it's real or a joke but it looks like a lot more fun than the stupid Segway human transporter. The added bonus being that 'badonkadonk' is a slang term for big booty ala J Lo. It gives a new dimension to, "Dude, that's a bigass tank!" The product description:
Product Description
The JL421 Badonkadonk is a completely unique, extremely rare land vehicle and battle tank. Designed with versatility in mind, the Donk can transport cargo or a crew of five internally or on the roof, and can be piloted from within the armored shell or from an exposed standing position through the hatch, thanks to special one-way steel mesh armor windows and a control stick that pivots up and down to allow piloting from the standing or seated positions. The interior is fully carpeted and cozy, with accent lighting and room for up to five people. A 400 watt premium sound system with PA is mounted to project sound both into the cabin and outward from behind the windows.
The exterior is a steel shell with a rust patina, and features head and tail lights, turn signal lights, trim lighting, underbody lighting, fixed slats protecting the windows, and a unique industrial-strength rubberized flexible skirt that shields and protects the wheels to within an inch of the ground, while still allowing for enough flex to give clearance over bumpy and uneven terrain. Master power, ignition, all lighting, and stereo features are controlled from a single switchboard to the left of the driver, again accessible from either the seated or standing position. Standard drive is an air-cooled, 6hp Tecumseh gasoline (unleaded only) engine, with centrifugal clutch, giving the Donk a top speed of 40 mph.
This vehicle is not licensed for use on public roads, and is intended as a recreational vehicle only. Badonkadonks are produced on an order-by-order basis, with each one having it's own unique set of features. With your order is included unlimited consultations with the designer and manufacturer concerning all relevant options (a representative from NAO will contact you shortly after your order). Price does not include shipping and handling.
And, because I need to share the pain that will likely send me into years of therapy, I present hasslecrotch with its hypnotic powers. I blame ignatz.
permalink Ω 15 January 2005, Helsinki
Only the Shadow Knows
« Careful, he's armed with punctuation and he knows how to use it! »
The first time I saw the black silhouette I flinched and momentarily panicked thinking that someone was behind me. After that, I merely thought it was creepy until I deigned to read the text on the wall next to him explaining the dot, the comma and the shadow man which made me think of it as an artifact of a time when any stupid idea with enough internet buzz could get funded. It is a reminder and warning of absurdity past, present and future. Even the blurb is so rich in hyperbole that it reads like one of the dot com era business plans.
The dot and the comma are small but very powerful tools. The dot is used to complete promises and judgments, by moving the comma you destroy and create. Both bring pleasure and sorrow, therefore it demands a special responsibility from their users. The dot and the comma are viewed in current society as the sun and the moon. The shadow man is the often invisible bearer of responsibility that makes things work. In the briefcase he carries his tools, the dot and the comma.
Who knew that punctuation could be transformed into celestial bodies after years of thinking they were the domain of the punctuation pedants? I noticed before Christmas that someone, we don't know who, viewed the post-modern man as an empty canvas begging for embellishment and gave him a cheshire grin, a sporty tie and mustanaamio in his briefcase with EZ-peel stickers. Sadly, they were removed but I agree that this empty void begs for flair as the dot and the comma at least light up thus giving them a purpose if not meaning. Perhaps a lightbulb should be added to the top of his head with a socket. He's like a naked Mr. Potato Head.
Weird books Amazon has recommended me lately:
- Kitchen Utensils: Names, Origins, and Definitions Through the Ages - Hmm...a book of American utensil porn 'through the ages'? Do 300 years count as 'ages' now?
- Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia : The A-to-Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked - What could possibly have given Amazon the idea that I need help finding naked pictures of any woman, much less actresses. This is work the male computer geek has already done for me. The guys at EMC had a couple terabytes of porn on the office symmetrix. It wasn't catalogued though.
- The Largest U.S. Cities Named after a Food: And Other Mind-Boggling Geography Lists from Around the World - Mind-Boggling? I wonder if there's a field guide to navel lint coming out soon for Amazon to recommend.
And I'm slowly catching up with my pre- and post-holiday email for those who might be waiting for me to reply as the wireless at home seems to be very tempermental. The photos from Tunisia will have to wait until the weekend since the colour film won't be back until Friday.
permalink Ω 4 January 2005, Helsinki
Advanced Fee Methodology
« Three smiths, three hammers, one bra. »
I've been thinking about enrolling in the University of Nigeria's courses in economics lately since it seems to work pretty well for the graduates. It made me wonder what such a business proposal would look like if it came from Finland instead of Nigeria. Just think of what advanced fee methodologies could do for Finnish enterprise!
URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL
ATTN:PRESIDENT/CEO
REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL
My name is Väinämöinen from Kaleva and I am in dire need of assistance. Your name and address from a mutual close friend who indicated that you would be discreet and helpful.
My people have lost an item of unimaginable wealth to the Mistress of the North, Louhi. The sampo, forged by my good friend the smith Ilmarinen, is capable of producing unlimited amounts of salt, flour and money for those who possess it. Ilmarinen was rewarded for his creation with a wife as he was promised, but I have led many ill-fated attempts to recoup the sampo from the evil Louhi and we need your help.
The sampo is in a Pohjola safe deposit box but, alas, I cannot get to it because of Louhi and my people are starving and dying of the cold. If you can send us $150,000 to buy food and munitions with, we will give you a 25% share the endless wealth of the sampo when we have recovered it.
This is a totally risk-free proposal and the return on your investment to save my people will be infinite wealth! Please treat this matter as very urgent.
Best regards,
Väinämöinen
permalink Ω 14 September 2004, Helsinki
Of shoes and meat
« Welcome to Missouri, land of meat and shoes! »
One of the most impressive things about Finns is their grasp of geography, well, at least all the ones I know seem to know far more detail about the planet we inhabit than any other people I've ever met, which is a dramatic contrast to Americans who seem to have some difficulty placing their own country on a political map of the world. If you read Finnish, you'll get a good chuckle out of Peter Elk's [Finnish expat living in NYC] look at an old geography book and it's descriptions of US states. If you don't read Finnish, well, the summary is that some of the state descriptions are pretty hilarious.
Missouri, for example, is the "Meat and Shoe State". I mean, Missouri, land of the Ozarks and home of the 'throwed[sic] roll', evokes the image of meat and shoes? Lambert's does have really great rolls if you remember to duck and their iced tea is served in giant mason jars with free refills, too. I kept trying to imagine of a reason why anyone on the planet would think of shoes and meat when describing Missouri. And then it dawned on me....Missouri! The Sho[e]-Me[at] State! Someone in Finland heard Shoe-Meat instead of Show-Me! Of course! :) The slogan has been in use for a long, long time and has a somewhat interesting origin.
The most widely known legend attributes the phrase to Missouri's U.S. Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver, who served in the United States House of Representatives from 1897 to 1903. While a member of the U.S. House Committee on Naval Affairs, Vandiver attended an 1899 naval banquet in Philadelphia. In a speech there, he declared, "I come from a state that raises corn and cotton and cockleburs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me." Regardless of whether Vandiver coined the phrase, it is certain that his speech helped to popularize the saying.
Other versions of the "Show-Me" legend place the slogan's origin in the mining town of Leadville, Colorado. There, the phrase was first employed as a term of ridicule and reproach. A miner's strike had been in progress for some time in the mid-1890s, and a number of miners from the lead districts of southwest Missouri had been imported to take the places of the strikers. The Joplin miners were unfamiliar with Colorado mining methods and required frequent instructions. Pit bosses began saying, "That man is from Missouri. You'll have to show him."
However the slogan originated, it has since passed into a different meaning entirely, and is now used to indicate the stalwart, conservative, noncredulous character of Missourians.
Well, in all honesty, Missouri did have the Brown Shoe Company in St. Louis and the enormous stockyards in Kansas City [in Missouri in spite of the name] back before it became better known for Budweiser Beer and John Ashcroft. I think the new state slogan should read, "Missouri! We're real sorry about Ashcroft!" Or, maybe, "Missouri! Getting dumb sports fans drunk since 1906!" Missouri does have a few redeeming qualities like Mark Twain, Chuck Berry and Vincent Price. It's home, but as Mark Twain so wisely quipped, "Familiarity breeds contempt..." I will henceforth refer to it as the "Shoe-Meat State". :)
Because it's July [read everything is closed for summer holiday and I'm bored] and I'm, of course, far more entertained by state slogans than anyone probably should be, I'll offer a more honest selection of state slogans for the easily amused. They're notoriously bad and ridiculed all over the US [65k pdf] for being the product of horrible PR wonks.
- Alabama: Wonder Full ∴ Wonderful? Alabama? "Yes, we have indoor plumbing."
- Alaska: Beyond Your Dreams, Within Your Reach ∴ "Screwing the environment for your SUV"
- Arizona: The Grand Canyon State ∴ "Land of Cheap Smokes and Indian Reservations" Monument Valley is really a lot more stunning than the Grand Canyon.
- Arkansas: The Natural State ∴ Natural? Natural what? "If you can read this, you don't live here."
- California: Find Yourself Here ∴ ...because everyone here is as lost as you are. "California, the fruit and nut state!" or "Our women have more plastic than your car!".
- Colorado: (none) ∴ Colorado, home of the Coalition for the American Family and anti-gay everything. "If you don't ski, don't bother."
- Connecticut: Full of Surprises ∴ Boy, howdy, who wrote that nonsense? "Connecticut, Stepford wives and suburban stupor!" or "Massachussets is thattaway!"
- Delaware: It's Good Being First ∴ The state best known for it's very 'generous' tax structure, S-Corporations and cheap booze/outlet malls that people from adjoining states flock to. I guess they couldn't just say, "Hey! We're small, cheap and available!".
- Florida: (none) ∴ "Ask us about our grandchildren!" or "Watch out for that sinkhole!"
- Georgia: Georgia on My Mind ∴ We banned rum and slaves but not lawyers!
- Hawaii: Aloha ∴ BORING. "Islands of flaming hot magma!"
- Idaho: Potatoes. Tasty Destinations. ∴ Why not just get sponsored by Ore-Ida Corp and go with "When it says Ore-Ida, it's alll-righta."? or, even better, "Land of Tater Tots!".
- Illinois: Right Here. Right Now. ∴ Yeah, it's there alright. What happened to "Land of Lincoln"? "Illinois! Please remember the S is silent!"
- Iowa: Come Be Our Guest ∴ "Iowa! Be our guest as you surely won't stay!"
- Indiana: Enjoy Indiana ∴ It used to be "Wander Indiana" which had TV spots with an empty car toodling around the state which gave you the [realistic] impression that the state put you to sleep. "Indiana! Enjoy our dullness!"
- Kansas: Simply Wonderful ∴ "Kansas! Drive faster, daddy! Faster!" The only thing more boring than driving across Kansas is driving across Wyoming.
- Kentucky: It's That Friendly ∴ "Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names"
- Louisiana: Come as You Are. Leave Different. ∴ "It's not new and it doesn't lean!"
- Maine: It Must Be Maine ∴ "Every visitor gets a free L.L. Bean Boat Tote!"
- Maryland: (none) ∴ "Crab cakes and crabs."
- Massachusetts: Make It Yours ∴ "Taxachusetts! Our Taxes Are Lower Than Finland's (For Most Tax Brackets)"
- Michigan: Great Lakes. Great Times. ∴ "First Line Of Defense From The Canadians" or "All your crap cars are belong to us!"
- Minnesota: Explore Minnesota ∴ "And don't forget the bug spray!" or "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 mosquitoes"
- Mississippi: Feels Like Coming Home ∴ "Come Visit And Feel Better About Where You Live"
- Missouri: Where the Rivers Run ∴ "Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work" or "We're sorry about Ashcroft!"
- Montana: Travel Montana ∴ "Home of the Unabomber and christian militias"
- Nebraska: Possibilities...Endless ∴ "Ask About Our State Motto Contest..."
- Nevada: Wide Open ∴ Gotta wonder what the guy who made that one up was looking at. "Home of the mushroom cloud!"
- New Hampshire: Make Up for Lost Time ∴ "Go Away"
- New Jersey: The Perfect Getaway ∴ What a perfect motto for a state filled with gangsters! "Hey, Guy! Whatchoolookinat?"
- New Mexico: Land of Enchantment ∴ "Atomic bombs and Aliens! Coincidence? We think not!"
- New York: I ♥ NY (I Love New York) ∴ "Give us your wallet!"
- North Carolina: A Better Place to Be ∴ "Come smokem peace pipe!"
- North Dakota: Legendary ∴ "We still have at least 50 residents!"
- Ohio: So Much to Discover ∴ "Ohio! The state next to Indiana!"
- Oklahoma: Native America ∴ "Just like the musical only without the singing!"
- Oregon: We Love Dreamers ∴ "We hate Californians!"
- Pennsylvania: The State of Independence ∴ "Cook With Coal!"
- Rhode Island: (various) ∴ "We aren't really an island!"
- South Carolina: Smiling Faces. Beautiful Places. ∴ "We didn't surrender to those Damn Yankees!"
- South Dakota: Great Faces. Great Places. ∴ "250 miles to the nearest rest stop!"
- Tennessee: (none) ∴ "The edumacation state!"
- Texas: It's Like a Whole Other Country ∴ It sure is y'all. We all wish it were another country, too. "Si! Hablo Ingles!"
- Utah: (none) ∴ "We're on a mission from god" or "Dry in every way imaginable"
- Vermont: (none) ∴ "Come peep and leave"
- Virginia: Virginia is for Lovers ∴ "We have ponies"
- Washington: (none) ∴ "Home of Apples and Microsoft"
- West Virginia: Wild and Wonderful ∴ "Kissin' Cousins!"
- Wisconsin: Stay Just a Little Bit Longer ∴ "Come cut some cheese!"
- Wyoming: (none) ∴ "Why are you here?"
permalink Ω 28 July 2004, Helsinki
Greetings from a dynamic shopping mall
I've seen collections of boring postcards but always wondered where people found such random tributes to a humble gas station or burger joint out in the middle of nowhere. A few days ago I found this deliciously boring postcard of the Forum shopping mall in Helsinki which is described as "The dynamic, continental shopping centre in the heart of Helsinki." Wow, what's a dynamic shopping centre?! Who would send this postcard to someone and what would they say?
Darling Veronica,
Salutations from Helsinki! The shopping center is nothing like Palm Beach but they have a food court with two McDonalds! They have this shop, Merimekko, that is just like Lilly only with a bit more of the kitchen curtain appeal! They have electricity, plumbing, and FedEx! Can you believe it? I always thought Russia was filled with a bunch of people living in yurts or something and riding reindeer! What a scream! Those Japanese wireless Nokia phones sure seem popular around here, too, as everyone seems to be talking into them. Can't understand a single word they're saying though. Nothing seems to be open all night, except for the sunshine [no tanning rays :(], so we have to run and go find something to eat before everything closes. The cruise ship heads for Stockholm tomorrow, bork! bork! bork! Love to Mopsie!
XXXOOO Boopsie and Trip
One curious thing about the postcard is, if you look closely, there are only 2 people on the sidewalk standing at the crosswalk waiting for the light. The snow on the rooftops and lack of holiday decorations put the time of year sometime in the Jan/Feb/Mar timeframe, and the direction of the glow in the sky indicates that it's dawn. Since the sun rises very late during those months, the number of people on the sidewalk is still too sparse for a weekday and the photo must have been taken on a cold Sunday morning at dawn. Why go to all that trouble just to make it look like the post-apocalyptic shopping mall?
permalink Ω 29 May 2004, Helsinki
A Subtle Drink
A random and unusual find on the front steps to our building. I was greatly amused by the thought of the apoplectic shock it would give most of the population of the US if it were found lying about. Billy Boy is a Red Bull clone only it includes a condom and features a bouncy, fruit juggling penis on the can. The BevNet Review was unsurprisingly negative. I can't wait to see all the Viagra 'energy drinks' once it goes OTC. "Boner" would be a perfect name for a Viagra soft drink. :)
permalink Ω 6 May 2004, Helsinki
Buy two, keep your leg for free
Rumpled, armless mannequins. Maybe the new rage in mobiles is something like "New! Not just hands-free, but arm-free!" in some masochistic urban chic style or it's a pun on the shirt being so expensive that it "costs an arm and a leg" but if you buy two, you can keep the leg for free. :)
permalink Ω 28 March 2004, Helsinki
Candygram for Dubya
Candy King is very popular here and is just like Pick-A-Mix candy back in the US where you can fill a bag with a variety of candy and pay by weight. While I was staring at the variety of Easter chocolates today I noticed a bin filled with what I thought at first glance were candy nipples. Considering that Finland has a soup commercial running in prime time on TV that features a couple who roll around in the snow with full frontal nudity that makes the American furor over Janet's little 'wardrobe malfunction' seem even more idiotic, I really thought they were supposed to be nipples.
I bought a few and they taste just like strawberry Tangy Taffy which used to be popular in the 70s. Sadly, Jarkko told me that they're really supposed to be mushrooms but...c'mon, I'll bet the kids don't call them mushrooms. :) I'd love to send a giant bag of them to the White House and to Ashcroft but I wouldn't get the joy of watching the secret service either freak out over the 'obscene' candy or the bioterrorism scare from a Finnish anthrax killer nipple attack. :)
permalink Ω 24 March 2004, Helsinki
Truth in advertising
We buy into the lies of advertising because we secretly don't want to know the dark and ugly truth that lurks beneath the surface. Arabella introduced me to Turnpike Films advertisement parodies. The Nutrigrain spot is particularly amusing. Work safe but be sure to empty your bladder and mouth before viewing. :)
permalink Ω 17 March 2004, Helsinki
Psychedelic Republicans
We received the absolute best care package today that contained, along with wheat thins [*burp*] and other fine junk foods that Finland doesn't have, a deck of Psychedelic Republicans trading cards!! You really wouldn't want to look at the pictures in any other state than sober to avoid permanent damage [roll over to see flip side of the card]. The lunchboxes might not be so successful since having Ashcroft looking at you would certainly put you off your feed, but they could be a great diet aid. It would be fun to see a set of these with the more conservative Dems or Presidents and their mistresses throughout history.
permalink Ω 16 March 2004, Helsinki
Fleecy Amor
Pekka Pääkkö, a Finnish photographer, captured this hilarious moment and won first prize in the humorous photograph category in the Swedish photojournalism competition. Being a recovering Catholic, this scene has several layers of amusement that make me giggle every time I look at it. It's a beautiful photograph. Gnat, I thought of you, too. :)
permalink Ω 10 March 2004, Helsinki
Flaming geeks
While I was going through and scanning the photos from Barcelona I ran across this picture of a Unix fire extinguisher. :) I giggled when I noticed it and tried to explain the joke to Jessica. The geeks likely think it's funny and the rest of you, well, you'll have to just take my word for it. I should be able to get through the thumbnails and captions tonight so the Barcelona photos will likely be available tomorrow.
permalink Ω 10 February 2004, Helsinki
Rare Exports, Inc.
Finland exports more than just Nokia phones and this short film details the production of the most rare of Finnish exports. The large version [66mb] is worth the download if you have a highspeed connection. Yanks with a hang-up about naked male bums should likely refrain from watching this film. It's utterly delightful and narrated in English. [from PIE.]
permalink Ω 27 December 2003, Helsinki
Leningrad Cowboys go snow
It has been snowing all day today and there is some hope that it will stick around for a white Christmas. HB and I went to the park to watch the kids sledding down the hill and noticed a snowman. I took him up the hill to have a look and laughed when I realised it was a Leningrad Cowboy. Only in Finland :) HB, irreverent old man that he is, hiked his leg on the snowman just the same.
permalink Ω 21 December 2003, Helsinki
/. Schadenfreude
Slashdot personals. Sure, your options are endless....if you like annoying and stupid teenage geek boys.
permalink Ω 21 December 2003, Helsinki
Fun with Snow
The Helsinki Parking Police are terribly thoughtful as they carefully place each and every violation ticket into a plastic bag and secure it under the wiper blade. It managed to snow today on top of the ice left behind by the last snow-rain-slush cycle. Jarkko put a little sign in the snow of this car to alert the driver from several blocks away that a gift awaits them. :)
permalink Ω 18 December 2003, Helsinki
Mita sina sanoa?
In Wednesday's sanomat I saw the picture and article about Pizza Enrico. I couldn't read all of the article but I got the impression from the photo that either Colonel Sander's grandson wearing a gold lamé jacket was visiting Helsinki while drunk or that lounge singers were making a comeback. I was partly right :)
Meet the boys from Vantaa who are Pizza Enrico. The joke is that most, if not all, the pizza kebab joints in town are owned and operated by Turkish guys. The same is true in Boston except they seem to be Pakistani, but I digress. What started out as a joke has apparently mushroomed into a full album. They also take a bit of glee from ribbing the Turks on their bad Finnish by making flagrant use of it on the website and in the lyrics. :) After listening to the Club Mix of Mita sina sanoa? I find that I have a sudden craving for kebab. You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll kiss far too many euro good-bye!
permalink Ω 11 December 2003, Helsinki
Bi-lingual? Nay, Bow-lingual!
Just when you thought that your dog was the only person you could talk to without having to worry about deep conversations about your relationship or their telling your deepest, darkest secrets to the highest bidding tabloid there comes a new product to ruin all that, Bow-lingual: The Dog Translator. My dog, a 12 year-old Saint Bernard, has been my treasured confidant since he was a wee monster. Sure, he burps, farts, whines and I still pick up his poop after 12 years, but he doesn't talk and doesn't have an email account and I adore him for that. :)
Bow-lingual does, however, present a rather fun idea for hackers with unsuspecting friends who come over to hang out with you and the dog, but find the dog has some rather unusual comments to make. Some ideas might be:
- Have you lost weight?!
- Can you spare some of that steak? The crap they serve me is inedible!
- Give me that remote control! Lassie is on at 7!
- I saw your girlfriend with another guy last night!
- Damn! That baby is uuuuugggggllly!
- Hey! I was not the one that farted!
- Can I hump your leg?
- Can I sniff your butt?
- Scratch a little higher and to the left.
- Can I help you with those leftovers?
- Touch my bowl and die.
- Get off the computer and play with me, dammit!
- If you don't get off that laptop, I'm going to bury it out back when you're away.
- Oh, I ordered 20 pounds of prime ribeye steaks on-line today with your credit card. I hope you don't mind.
- Yes, that's my stash of internet porn.
- On the internet, noone knows you're a dog.
The possibilities are endless. I'm tempted to buy one just to play with it and amuse myself by programming it with random Finnish expressions to scare people on the street who come up and pet HB. The TV ad is brilliant :)
permalink Ω 4 November 2003, Helsinki
Pikku Gay
A photocopy I found in the street last night while walking HB. The kids must have been putting them under car wipers which people cast onto the sidewalk before driving away. I laughed just as I laugh at Eminem. I wondered what the DDN meant as well as why were they papering the parked cars with these silly photos of themselves trying to look like tough gangsta rappahs but only succeeding in looking like a Nike ad gone wrong. Perhaps it's a new form of 'tagging' or a message like "We gonna get you, suckah!". The Pikku-G wannabe gang who are just introducing themselves before they steal your car or something. They lack all the gold chains and gold capped teeth, but I guess you gotta start somewhere.
Perhaps they are making fun of the Finnish version of Eminem, Pikku-G [ pronounced PEEK-koo GAY which is hilarious in itself ], who seems to have quite the teenage girl fan base. Can you imagine Finnish homies going around saying, "Hey, Gay, whaddup?!" No, I can't really either as the moment they landed in the US and tried that they'd get their ass kicked by some white boy rapper skinhead. :) I keep hoping that all of the break dancing, skateboarding, and gangsta cool is just some parody of bad American pop culture. Somehow, though, I have a sneaking suspicion that these teenage boys aren't joking. If, by some chance, DDN is reading this they should know that white boy rap is something we make fun of in the US. I apologise on behalf of the planet that Eminem gave you a different impression. Also, break dancing was dead when I was in university a long time ago and it deserved to die. :) Try something original, boys.
permalink Ω 19 October 2003, Helsinki
Not just fun, it's Funtastic!
Paul Mison showed me this picture he took somewhere on the London Underground which makes me wish that I, too, could visit Funtastic Finland....:)
permalink Ω 16 October 2003, Helsinki
The Door
The World's Pretty Much Only Religious Satire Magazine has two really interesting bits in the latest issue:Truth is Stranger Than Fiction a pictorial parade of unlikely but real churchy ephemera and Rootin' Out Religion in a Redneck Nation, an interview with Michael Graham that shares many of my own sentiments about the US which fueled my decision to leave the US and never return.
permalink Ω 17 September 2003, Helsinki
Pekka was here
Postcard, Map of Finland, urine on snow, artist unknown 2003 ~ Juha Myllymäki ©.
permalink Ω 10 September 2003, Helsinki
Naisen Kanssa
Finland has some funny local comics, like Viivi ja Wagner, but there are two which appear on the back page of NYT, the weeky magazine of the Helsingin Sanomat, I find particularly odd and amusing.
Naisen Kanssa [ Living with the woman ] ~ Think Zippy the Pinhead meets Hi&Lois. It's a very stylised comic rich in texture and complete with a mad scientist who narrates the instructions on living with the woman. It's a manual for the modern emasculated man. There is a book, Naisen Kanssa, as well as a Naisen Kanssa workbook for guys who really need to study harder. :)
Kung-Fu Poliisit [ Kung-Fu Police ] ~ It's Shaft meets Police Academy. Kung-Fu Poliisit is funny but odd since blaxploitation humour really isn't something you'd expect to find in Finland.
permalink Ω 8 September 2003, Helsinki
Zippy the Finnhead
Rocco Caputo pointed out a Zippy comic sporting some Finnish and asked me to translate the text.
- Frame 1: The men are in the street.
- Frame 2: I bought this book last summer in London. [ typo as Täm än should read Tämän ]
- Frame 3: We got firewood from the forest in the evening.
It is not Finnish of any great portent, but Zippy always gives you the feeling like there is more than meets the eye. People who aren't from the US won't get the Big Boy reference, home of the original double-decker hamburger, as part classic icon of American pop culture and part roadside attraction. I think Zippy is being misled by a fat little boy holding a tray of food since it is learning Finnish, not a remote deity speaking Finnish, that is hard. :)
permalink Ω 18 May 2003, Helsinki
No more dreads
When you move to somewhere completely new it takes a long time to build up the usual cadre of things you know about wherever it is you live such as where the best grocery is and which movie theatre has the best popcorn, etc. I needed to get my hair cut as the last time I had an appointment for hair removal was 9/11 which I skipped out on. So, after more than 2 years my hair was long, too long, and dry to the point of taking half a bottle of creme rinse to even think about getting a comb through the matted mess.
I was afraid to just drop-in on any random salon in the city for fear of getting a bad haircut due to the language barrier or just by not knowing which salons are not that well regarded. Jarkko finally made an appointment to have his hair trimmed and made one for me too at the salon he usually frequents. I felt a little goofy for wimping out but the visions of edward scissorhands were unrelenting :) The stylist did a very nice job after asking me three times if I was sure I wanted to remove all that hair. I would have considered a marine buzz cut at that point so badly did I want to be free of the dry, unmanageable nest of hair on my head. Of course, the universal law of hair cuts apply even in Finland; your hair will never look as good as when you leave the salon. :)
permalink Ω 2 May 2003, Helsinki
Is Finland still a part of Moscow?
I found a rather amusing site, intercultural relationships...or facts about finns, which has quite a nice assortment of humour to be had about Finland, its language, its people and their way of life. The FAQ, complete with the nationalities who ask them, is rather priceless :)
permalink Ω 24 April 2003, Helsinki
Bean propulsion
Erkki and Eila drove me up to north nowhere Helsinki to fetch a package my family sent and on the way I noticed a few billboards for Tipito Beans that I thought were cute, memorable and amusing.
permalink Ω 29 March 2003, Helsinki
A REAL Hummer
The only way to start an argument faster than mentioning abortion or Israel these days is to mention SUVs as a wanton and wasteful guzzler of gasoline among other ills. Jarkko went hunting with google for 'SUV craze' tonight and found an image [ Caution! Image is not, erm, suitable for work or children ] that really sums up the essence of why a Yank would rather die than give up their absurdly large vehicle for public transport or something small and fuel efficient.
As a wise man from the North Side of St. Louis once said..."You can sleep in yo' car, but yo' can't drive yo' house". It's much more convenient, too, when your car is as large as your house. I keep hoping gasoline prices go well over $2.00 per gallon in the states as nothing will make the SUV seem unattractive to drive sooner than bankrupting those who cannnot afford the fuel.
permalink Ω 12 January 2003, Helsinki
Pudge had a journal entry today about yet another 'switcher' parody only this time it's an an American Expat who loves Canada and who is selling stickers to help defray the application fees for Canadian Citizenship. Maybe I'll make one over Thanksgiving for expatriating to Finland and Pudge won't be able to say that I'm from anywhere but the US :)
permalink Ω 11 November 2002, Helsinki
Snow Sold Separately
People who are anal retentive even in recreational activites such as building a snowman will appreciate the new Snowman Kit from Lands End:
Everything you need to build a perfect snowman — except the snow. Kit includes a "carrot" nose, two "coal" eyes, three blue buttons and a "corncob" pipe — all made of solid wood. There's even a red Polartec® scarf to keep your snowman warm. Arrives in a burlap storage sack. Made in USA.
All this for a mere $29.00! I'm surprised they don't offer a deluxe edition complete with carbon fibre twiglet arms and a hand-made quaker broom to really up the ante in the neighbourhood decor.
permalink Ω 10 November 2002, Helsinki
Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us
Despair, Inc. has their new 2003 Calendar ready for all those people on your Christmas list who need a little cynical realism in their lives. You know the kind, they are cheerful people who use the words 'community' and 'teamwork' all the time but have drunk too much of the 'people-ade' to notice that life is rarely as happy-happy joy-joy as they desperately try to think it is.
As Founder, President and Chairperson of Cynics International, we'd like to invite you to embrace the bitter and glorious truths the 2003 Demotivators calendar presents each and every month of the year. Join us, won't you? :)
permalink Ω 8 November 2002, Helsinki
Yes, I am an agent of Satan
I was cleaning out my inbox today and ran across this list of things I'd love to say during our weekly teleconferences. I don't know where the list comes from but whomever wrote it must inhabit the dilbert zone like I do.
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in publi c. This is good!
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my wa y.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of v iew.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- Do I look like a people person?
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one?
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Chaos, panic and disorder -- my work here is done.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
permalink Ω 17 September 2002, Helsinki
When good type goes bad
It should, of course, read megaflicks.....
permalink Ω 17 September 2002, Helsinki
Women in refrigerators
In Star Trek you could always tell who was going to wind up dead if they happened to be wearing the dreaded red uniform. Gail Simone published Women in Refrigerators suggesting that being female in comic books isn't a good indicator of longevity either. The list of characters and their fates is creepy considering the audience is largely male. I'd like to see a similar listing of male comic book characters and their fates to see if they are equally brutal.
permalink Ω 1 September 2002, Helsinki
Hnk if U luv txt msg 4 god
Ship of Fools Magazine sponsored a competition to rewrite the Lord's Prayer in 160 characters or less for mobile phone usage. The winner was:
dad@hvn,ur spshl.we want wot u want&urth2b like hvn.giv us food&4giv r sins lyk we 4giv uvaz.don't test us!save us!bcos we kno ur boss,ur tuf&ur cool 4 eva!ok?
No wonder kids can't spell these days. For people who use SMS and text paging frequently and like to send their friends bits from the bible you might be interested in the upcoming book, r father n hvn. The Repent! wristwatch also makes a lovely gift for all your closest sinner friends.
permalink Ω 1 September 2002, Helsinki
How to boil water
The little OS X application Watson has a new plug-in for epicurious recipes and when I looked at the 'most popular' it was quite amusing to see Salted water for boiling at the top of the list. I'm not terribly good in the kitchen but I never needed a recipe for boiling water....
permalink Ω 26 August 2002, Helsinki
You're Ad Here
I have an enormous forehead and I've often considered selling it as ad space but some guy has apparently beat me to it by selling his forehead space on eBay.
Associated Press
Aug. 01, 2002 08:15:00
DE WITT, Iowa — Jeff Swanson is really using his head to make money.
Swanson, 39, is offering to let an advertiser tattoo his head for $100,000.
He listed his offer twice on the Internet auction site eBay and says at least one person has already called to express interest.
I thought if the right person saw it and they had that kind of money, they might try to do it, maybe to get some publicity for themselves,said Swanson, who hangs hollow metal doors for a Davenport company.The tattoo, which he would expose for a year, would be a first for the father of four young boys, who said he could invest part of the money for his children's college education.
Maybe this is a new way to get corporate sponsors for Perl 6 development....:)
permalink Ω 4 August 2002, Helsinki
Ultraman is airwolf
Chip Salzenberg turned me onto Ernie Cline and his brilliantly hilarious Utraman is Airwolf album. Treat yourself. I should email him and see if he would be interested in doing a lightning talk at TPC/OSCON since he must be a Perl guy...:)
permalink Ω 1 July 2002, Helsinki
Ice Cream is not Sexy enough for Utah
Utah, in a move to designate a sexy state snack, elected Jell-O as the Official State Snack. A state which still amazes me it manages to procreate without any booze managed to name a plastic dessert as their state snack?! I mean, who snacks on Jell-O? I've had Jell-O wars with cubes of Jell-O fortified with a couple extra packets of gelatin, had it as a dessert to complement a fine dinner of macaroni with cheese and hot dogs and gotten drunk on Cape Codder Jell-O shooters but...snack?! Perhaps the Mormons will publish a Jell-O cookbook to give us some insight as to how they manage to have the highest per capita consumption of Jell-O in the world. I'll bet it's the Jell-O wrestling matches they have in the temple on Friday and Saturday nights. :)
permalink Ω 28 May 2002, Helsinki
Skwerlz like da P-Nut
Even when HoneyBear, my St. Bernard, was a puppy he was very picky about his treats often leaving me disappointed after buying him a bag of the most yummy biscuits the pet shop had to offer. After a lot of trial and error it turned out he liked these little peanut shaped and flavoured biscuits that you could buy by the ton at Wal-Mart for $2. Figures. After moving out east I had a very difficult time finding them but found another biscuit he liked, P-Nuttier, which are not anywhere near as cheap as the previous brand. You know your wallet starts groaning when the package has the words like 'wholesome' and 'oatmeal and apples' on it. He's nearly 80 in dog years so I spoil him, it's true.
This morning, however, I found that not only does HB like the P-Nuttier biscuits but so does a huge, fat, rolly-polly squirrel who haunts the yard and, apparently, finds plenty of HB's leftovers to make the trip worthwhile. Squirrels appear to have a weakness for peanut butter. Hmm. Maybe I should continue to fatten him up and grill 'em for dinner. HB caught a squirrel once when he was a pupppy so he's rather bored with the idea of chasing them these days and I'm beginning to think he intentionally leaves crumbs behind for this corpulent squirrel :) mmmm...cornbread and squirrel for dinner.
permalink Ω 15 May 2002, Helsinki
What about a tame monkey?
Sun bug report 4256482 - Banging on keyboard during cde startup causes dtwm hang. The workaround, and I quote, Don't bang on the keyboard like a wild monkey (my thanks to the submitter of bug 4102680 for the literary construct)
:)
permalink Ω 6 May 2002, Helsinki
The longest 7 minutes of your life
In the ladies room at The Burren, an Irish pub complete with Irish beertenders and Guinness, I noticed a flyer for a Seven Minutes event. It's like speed dating with 14 dates over 90 minutes. I may just attend as a spectator for the amusement. With dating like this who wouldn't go back to arranged marriages?! :) At least there is plenty of beer nearby to ease the pain if it goes badly.
permalink Ω 17 April 2002, Helsinki
Wicked Hawt
Gnat's mention of the redneck neighbor made me think about making a page for my Townie neighbors as they are strangely familiar...father/grandpa lives on one side and his son's family lives behind him which can make for 'interesting times'.
- They have a german shepherd named Chief who roams the neighborhood freely and particularly loves to come to my fence and bark at my dog who eyes him like a noonday snack.
- They love to hoover their SUV frequently with a shop-vac that is louder than a 747 at takeoff. Saturday morning around 8am is the preferred time to start hoovering their prized auto.
- I don't know how many kids actually live there but when the warm weather comes there is always a crowd and one of the little girls has an ulltrasonic scream that pierces the air like a rocket.
- Every winter they make a wooden form which they line with plastic and fill with water to make a skating rink for the kids.
- Today it has reached 100F so out has come the giant inflatable pool complete with floating chair and 6-pack of beer.
- Grandpa, a.k.a. "Buzz" likes to hassle me about "where's that man of yours" whenever I'm out mowing the grass since, in his view of the world, it doesn't matter that I like mowing the grass as my man should be mowing it for me.
Townies around here are also known as Massholes. I can always find them at work whenever someone introduces a Finn named "Pekka" [ pronounced peck-ar in townese ] and they titter like little kids.
permalink Ω 17 April 2002, Helsinki
Colonial D
Could Jack Black be related to Paul Revere? The resemblance is uncanny, much like Larry Wall and Weird Al :)
permalink Ω 16 April 2002, Helsinki
Bill Gates Hacked
Considering how many people didn't get the CPAN April Fool's CJAN joke [ we got about 100 or more email with "You've Been Hacked!!!!" warnings ], I found the article about Bill Gates falling for a Canadian radio show prank hilarious. :) Maybe AI professors should invest more time in developing an Artificial Sense of Humour for geeks.
permalink Ω 5 April 2002, Helsinki
PHB Porn
Managers masterbate to this sort of team building IT Anthem singing. Horrifying. The mere suggestion of it sent the Wannabe PHB here in the office on a desperate hunt for the Nokia and HP songs. He'll probably write one at home tonight to impress someone who gives a damn :)
permalink Ω 4 April 2002, Helsinki
Dr. Evil's Secret
Why is it that every time I see Nad's I think of Dr. Evil and his shorn scrotum?
permalink Ω 1 April 2002, Helsinki
Every sperm is sacred.....
Once upon a time, before you
were born, two cells collided,
one bigger than the other. The
bigger cell (the egg) and the
smaller cell (the sperm) became
one very special cell...
Having been raised Catholic, in spite of recent scandal, most of us were left to figure out sex on our own without the benefit of books or parental guidance. I received a shipment of books from Amazon the other day and a mistake in the packing made me the lucky recipient of Cells Are Us which covers almost everything but the actual coital act in cartoon fashion. It's a biology book for children on how their body was created and works at the cellular level. The publisher, Lerner Books also have Cells Wars, DNA is Here To Stay and Amazing Schemes Within Your Genes.
I'm thinking that maybe I should buy Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids: Where You Came From, How Your Body Changes and What Sex is All About, The Encyclopedia of Sex and, her most recent masterpiece for pre-schoolers, Who Am I? Where Did I Come From? since I may have missed something along the way. Although...maybe I'll wait for the audiobook version so I can hear her say "Penis" and "Vagina" and giggle. :) There is hope for future generations who won't have to call their Mother after they graduate from university exclaiming that they just figured out what "Afternoon Delight" means!
permalink Ω 29 March 2002, Helsinki
Sayonara Mr. Methane
A cure for flatulence is being touted in the news. In my years of infiltrating the male dominated world of engineering I've found that humour centers mostly around farting and poop so half of the joke material will vanish if this cure really works. Will Mr. Methane be able to claim hardship in the face of this cure for his livelihood? Will the company that makes Beano file for Chapter 11? Aren't there more pressing problems to cure in the world than a little gas?
permalink Ω 28 March 2002, Helsinki
In space noone can hear you scream
I found these sticker pictures on the bottom of my desk drawer this morning and got all nostalgic. Sarah had these taken at Blueberry Hill [ pub ] in 1996 by a machine that took your picture then put it with a wacky background and made stickers.
permalink Ω 28 March 2002, Helsinki
Gold Foot
Sarah has been sending me the best postcards lately and I didn't get the one above until I returned from my rocket round-trip to Missouri but I still giggle every time I look at it. I wonder if this god guy is a state trooper as that would explain a whole lot :)
permalink Ω 28 March 2002, Helsinki
All you need is toys
Sarah had a bunch of Beatles Yellow Submarine action figures in her apartment when I visited that were really interesting. The Beatles Yellow Submarine Series 2 includes the snapping turk and the bulldog. Disturbingly cool :)
permalink Ω 27 March 2002, Helsinki
Eat Here, Get Gas
I'm getting too old for road trips or at least that's what I was cursing under my breath as I hit a blizzard last Thursday night 100 miles west of Boston on the MassPike. It was like jumping to light speed in the Millenium Falcon for 600 miles only I was cruising much slower than light speed pace, 30MPH. The very large and heavy Sparc in my back seat was good for ballast in the near blinding snow. If you ever drive along I-90 in New York you'll notice the 4-6' high orange and white reflectors all along the road which are there just for this kind of weather since I wouldn't have made it without them. It's always a bad sign when the truckers disappear from the road and you find yourself creeping by a giant plow at 5mph and only realise this after you pass it on the right.
I made it through Cleveland but if the guy in the SUV who was riding my bumper in near whiteout conditions without headlights and talking on his cellphone is reading this I'd like to revoke your license without hope for renewal. And to most of the State of Ohio who haven't ever learned that the right lane is the travel lane and the left lane if for passing; passing on the right is dangerous and one of these days cops will be able to give out tickets for driving while stupid that may lead to revocation of your operators license. Really bad passenger car drivers are why I generally like to drive between the hours of 7pm and 7am as the truckers are usually polite and don't hog the passing lane.
Once you reach I-70 you can sleep since it's straight and flat all the way to St. Louis through Columbus, Dayton, Indianapolis, Terre Haute, Effingham and East St. Louis. I've done this drive so many times I know all the exits and which ones have the better places to eat at and get gas.
As soon as I got to St. Louis, I drove over to Webster University since this is where the search engine would call home. Ben Hockenhull valiantly wheeled the system through the door to its home in the machine room. [ note the solstice shirt wasn't planned :) ] We plugged it in, it came up and since it was Friday night went to find Sarah, minus 6 wisdom teeth, at Coffee Cartel in the Central West End. I spent the night over at Sarah's in her cool apartment with Dolemite, Circus Flora and intimate images of body parts adorning her walls and windows :). It's an odd feeling to leave somewhere one night and wake up in another the next day, especially when that other place happens to be the city you grew up in. It is said that familiarity breeds contempt and I have a love-hate relationship with St. Louis in the sense that I miss it when I'm away and when I'm back I'm ready to leave again. Someone please tell Sarah and Ben that they need to move to Boston so I don't have to drive to St. Louis every time I want to see them :)
We wandered around for the day in the CWE mostly and drove over to the Galleria so I could pick out some new eyewear. I'm the Imelda Marcos of glasses and love to buy new frames when I feel like pampering myself. Sarah bought a monkey t-shirt and I bought a dental floss fishie at Dry Ice, a goofy store that caters to the teenage girl set.
I stuck around for the afternoon on Saturday but had to leave for fear of losing momentum, not wanting to go back to work and dreading the drive back. I took a last picture of Sarah on Euclid and drove off into the sunset.
On the way to St. Louis I nearly drove off the road when I saw a giant looming crucifix 200 feet tall and 113 feet wide looking like a cruciform grain elevator. When I drove back, I stopped in Effingham, Illinois to get a photo of it and see what the story was. While I was taking pictures a trucker and his schnauzer puppy named slick came up behind me and said;
"They're building them all over the country".
"Oh, who?", I replied.
"Christians, of course."
"Well, gee, that's a relief as I thought it might have been the secret christian faction of Islam trying to subvert our highway faithful."
Apparently, this is the largest cross in the Western Hemisphere that was built last Summer and displaces the Groom, Texas Cross as the largest.
I managed to miss the snow on the way back and arrived home in time to watch the Oscars on Sunday and get some sleep before facing the joy that is my Dilbertian job at HP on Monday. Next time I go on a road trip it will be one way to the Caribbean and I'll leave the Sparcs at home. Thanks again Sun :)
permalink Ω 26 March 2002, Helsinki
I want a stuffed Popealope
Have to buy a gift for the person who has everything? Get 'em a stuffed Jackalope.
permalink Ω 25 March 2002, Helsinki
Thar It Blows! Arrrr!
Pirates and Sailors around the world lamented the loss of sex in their ships as Lloyd's List will refer to ships as 'it' not 'she' henceforth. I guess this means Captain Kirk will have to be edited to say "Take it out, Mr. Sulu!" instead of "Take her out, Mr. Sulu!" in old Star Trek episodes set in the future. Unlike the Finnish language which has no gender, the English language leaves much room for hilarity in this change :)
permalink Ω 20 March 2002, Helsinki
Who needs green when you have black?
Finally! There's a brigade I could feel good about volunteering for, the Black Berets! God is dead and pass me a cafe latte!
permalink Ω 18 March 2002, Helsinki
Gonzo Airport Porn
My mother always told me to wear clean underwear in case I wound up in hospital or otherwise be in a position to have others inspect them. Well, now airport security screeners can zap right through them and note every pimple on your ass without ever having you drop trou! Excellent! Yet another reason to dislike airports and flying. Maybe we'll just start travelling in the buff to ensure that everyone stays in their seats. I just can't envision anyone looking tough and hijacking a plane while passengers scrutinise their family jewels flopping about the cabin..can you? :)
permalink Ω 15 March 2002, Helsinki
When were your eggs laid?
As I poured milk into my coffee this morning I pondered the familiar 'SELL BY' date on the carton. What exactly does this really mean? The grocery store has to unload it to a consumer by that date and then what happens? How long do you have until it turns into a sour gloopy mess?
What about eggs? I usually buy eggs to keep handy but I never know just how old they are. My mother used to say that if, when you cracked the egg open, the membrane in the end of the egg was larger than a penny the egg was stale. Well, now you can scientifically Date your Eggs! and for some of you it'll be the best date you've had in a long while :) Take the eggs out of your fridge and look on the end of the carton and you should see a number between 001 and 0365 which will tell you what day the eggs were laid. The eggs are good for 45 days from the date of lay!
permalink Ω 3 March 2002, Helsinki
This is your brain off nicotine
As a kid I remember getting all of the Wacky Packages stickers. I think I managed to cover my banana bicycle seat with them but the Hostile Thinkies was my favourite. Amazingly people pay several thousand dollars for the set of these now as they are rare and collectible. Suddenly, I feel old. :)
permalink Ω 2 March 2002, Helsinki
Noopy!
NVP is a BOFH who is a nice and welcome change to the programming crowd and his new journal makes me laugh a little too hard. This is unlike a lot of the coders journals who like to schwing about their modules or their l337 coding skills, Nate has a lot of funny and real experiences I can relate to. Bitchy sysadmin well beyond alt.sysadmin.recovery? This is for you :)
permalink Ω 26 February 2002, Helsinki
Bill does a combover
Snuggles TV because I have evil friends :)
permalink Ω 25 February 2002, Helsinki
thighs could care
In a trip down memory lane while cleaning out ye olde inboxe I ran across an email with the following poem written for me by a #perl psycho named Teratogen. While not originial in his psychosis, he was pretty creepy and hilarious at the same time. :) Wherever you are teratogen I hope you are getting some good drugs and psychotherapy.
*Teratogen* I never believed
*Teratogen* that breasts could plead
*Teratogen* was not aware
*Teratogen* that thighs could care
*Teratogen* never knew the touch of cool fire
*Teratogen* or that love could be
*Teratogen* so full of fury
*Teratogen* and yet so tender
*Teratogen* until you came to me
*Teratogen* on the eve of spring
*Teratogen* when the air was laden
*Teratogen* with the fragrance of rain
*Teratogen* and the scent of the wildflowers woven
*Teratogen* in your raven hair
*Teratogen* ‹fin›
*Teratogen* =)
*Teratogen* see?
*Teratogen* it wasn't that bad
*Teratogen* =)
permalink Ω 25 February 2002, Helsinki
PURL THIS
I really don't like Valentine's Day and haven't since my 5th grade teacher decided to make giving valentines a classroom event. I made a lovely box for the whole production and since I was the teachers nerdy pet I, of course, received no valentines. The other nerdy kid in class got one from me since I made one for everyone and thus we became the nerd squad of St. Geek's. Lately #perl has taken to bitter candy hearts by stuffing purl and there's even one site where you can make your own candy hearts if you can't order the bittersweets from despair, Inc.
Last year for TPC Gnat and I were going to have a bunch of fortune cookies made with little perly fortunes in them but the bitter perly hearts have some real potential. It is an art to cram a message into 2 lines and 8 characters and I had a bit too much fun last night playing with the heartmaker.
- AMO ID for Damian [ I had this as a vanity license plate on my old beetle years ago...:)]
- THNX APLD :) hee
- AS IF
- BOT LUV for purl
- CORE DUMP
- FORK BOMB
- HTH HAND for Rootbeer :)
- HP SUX it does
- JAPH ME
- KILL -9
- MOI MOI goodbye in Finnish :)
- OR DIE
- SHE BANG
- USE CPAN
<aevil> bitter candy heart
<purl> DIE PIGFUCKER
<aevil> LUV U PURL
Today my 'Forgotten English' calendar has the word rotten logging which was "a term used when romantic couples sit on a log by moonlight to court" and is a rather amusing choice of words on this Hallmark Holiday.
permalink Ω 14 February 2002, Helsinki
My LAN or yours? *wink*wink*
Lately we've be reading how Silicon Valley has been inundated with resumes by those looking for work but jobs aren't the only thing they are seeking. Mmmm...lots of average looking white guys who describe themselves as 'intelligent and easy going' then descend into:
"Qualities I look for in a woman: She is intelligent, perceptive, creative and irreverent...Yet hers is a radiant heart, a luminous soul, a diaphanous spirit able to inspire a Scrooge to song. I would find her at an opera one evening, adorned in an elegant gown. And the next, unafraid to be caught watching a cheesy film and eating chocolate ice-cream out of the box. I would find her snooping around small towns and ever smaller museums with the unvarnished curiosity of a small child. She would find today s values distasteful, would choose wisdom over expediency, substance over fashion. Family would come before friends. Friends before work. I would find her tapping her foot at a jazz concert, crying at old movies, laughing wildly at a comedy club, kneeling down to help a child tie his shoe. She would find joy in a good conversation, mastering a new waltz step at a Victorian Ball, reading sub-titles at art-house films, learning where Orion is. Hers would be a wry sense of humor, an appreciation for the absurd and finding the comedy in everyday life. Her sense of spontaneity, which when combined with sinister glance and a sly smile, would hint of future mischief planned to make my day more interesting and different from all of the others. She would walk in beauty like the night and whisper to the sky. Hers would be a goal to lift others up before herself and views relationship as a chance to grow and help grow. And most of all, she would enjoy the company of a tall, mildly eccentric software entrepreneur who's not that bad look'n when you dress him up right and turn the lights low and...oh heck, if you're female and you're breathing"
At least Mike S., a 45 year old software engineer who vaguely reminds me of Nick Ing-Simmons, brought his lofty goals back to grim reality in a jiffy. :) The others weren't so smart and reminded me of a PM/LinuxUSERs meeting in some ways; some made me laugh and some left me with this vaguely creepy feeling of geek guys who stopped mentally maturing at age 9. I wonder if reviving the "Men of Perl" Calendar idea and even having the menofperl.org domain for swinging single perl guys could generate enough revenue to help out the foundation.....hey, photoshop can do wonders.
permalink Ω 8 February 2002, Helsinki
Ozymandias
As Enron executives resign and cop the 5th I was so touched by the Despair, Inc. receipt for my recent order that I have to share it since this kind of honesty is hard to find these days.
I'd like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.
Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d'etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions - that person being me.
While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bon mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at the spectacular Despair 2002 product line. It is an astonishing collection of wit and insight, beautifully realized and so perfectly timed for a nation, nay, a world facing the uncertainties of a darkening economic climate. It is without irony that I can honestly state that the only products I can imagine being *more* depressing would be motivational posters themselves. And THAT is saying something.
I will cherish this always. Wouldn't it be cool if MS or other software companies cut to the chase like this? I wonder if I can buy stock :)
permalink Ω 24 January 2002, Helsinki
Squeaka bin Mousen
geoff's diatribe against squirrels reminded me of one of the funniest things I have ever seen on the net, Harvey the Mouse Must Die!. Safe for work but not advisable for those who love rodents. :)
And, after some searching, I found the bicycle I want since I can't really commute on my old Specialized Sequoia which is like the Luxobarge of touring bicycles. Unfortunately, I can't get it in the US and have to order it from a shop I used to frequent in Covent Garden. It's weird that the US makes the bike only for the EU market and none of their US models have things like fenders or chain guards.
permalink Ω 22 January 2002, Helsinki
Honey, did the toaster just call me a *$&#^?
I'm always up for a good clean sort of prank especially when it involves a bit of a hack. The attack of the hacked talking scale got me thinking about how many consumer products have IC chips in them and the wide range of fun one could have in the average household by reprogramming them...especially homes with wireless and X10! The potential for good cheap and clean fun is limitless :) The first rule about Hack Club is that noone talks about Hack Club *mwwhahaha*.
Also, for those who skipped school the day MLK was discussed....James Earl Jones is the voice of Darth Vader. James Earl Ray was the guy who allegedly shot and killed MLK. Who said irony is dead?
permalink Ω 16 January 2002, Helsinki