Killer Buns

« Lenten buns / Laskiaispulla / Semlor - a soft cardamom yeast bun filled with an almond paste infused pastry cream and a healthy swirl of whipped cream that is traditionally served on Fat Tuesday and subsequent Tuesdays during Lent. »

These buns have killed once and they'll kill again. What could be more thrilling than tempting fate by eating a filled bun that was thought to have been the cause of the Swedish King Adolf Fredrik's death in 1771. Of course it might have also been the enormous meal he consumed before snarfing down 14 of the buns served in bowls of warm milk. These buns are heavenly but, I don't know that eating more than one or two in one sitting is recommended.

The history of the traditional Fat Tuesday treat is rather interesting as it is detailed at length in a new book on the subject, Semlor [pa svenska]. It contains more than you ever wanted to know about semlor along with a variety of recipes for them at the end. I was raised Catholic, yet never really encountered these before having one in Finland so I was curious. The modern semla is descended from the German and Danish kumminkringlor, a pretzel-shaped bread with cumin, which came to southern Sweden during the 1600's when the area belonged to Denmark. The first citation of semlor being eaten in Stockholm dates back to 1689.

The name semla comes from the latin word simila, meaning wheat flour which was a luxury save for the wealthy class, and generally meant any sort of wheat bun or bread. The buns originally were filled with hot cream, butter and cinnamon. The almond paste filling didn't arrive until the 1800s when Swiss bakers came to Sweden who brought their knowledge of almonds with them and the whipped cream filling and cap on top didn't become common until much later in the 1930s. The oldest name for the buns, hetvägg, indicated that it was served in hot milk. Although most English recipes for the buns instruct the cook to serve in a bowl of hot milk, the tradition seems to be rarely observed anymore. Aside from making the bun rather difficult and messy to eat, a bowl of hot milk doesn't really add flavour or better texture to the bun. If made without the whipped cream, the hot milk would be more appealing.

Useless factoid - In 1996, the world's largest semla was baked in Alingsås, Sweden. The bun was 113cm/45-inches in diameter and weighed about 60kg/132lb by itself and 134kg/295lb with the almond and whipped cream fillings.

There also seems to be a semlor standard as well as a Semmelakademien (semlor academy) in Göteborg where one, presumeably, learns all there is to know about semlor. For the true semlor perfectionist, a recent article on semlor from an English paper in Sweden lays down the semlor rules:

In fact there are fiercely-contested "Best in Test" competitions pitting city cafés against each other in a kind of annual regional semla Oscars. Mattias Sundberg, a semla enthusiast, explains what it takes to be a winning semla:

"The bun itself should be a light golden brown and about 10cm or 4-in across. The 'lid' is preferably triangular and properly sprinkled with powdered sugar. It should sit squarely on its cream bed. The whipped cream shouldn't overspill the edges and should rise 2-3cm or 3/4-1.2in - just so your nose doesn't dip when eating."

But aesthetics will only take a semla so far; the proof is in the taste test. According to our expert, "The bread mustn't be too dense and should be lightly sweetened. The whipped cream ought to be hand-whipped and lightly sweetened as well." Traditionally the cream is unsweetened but our modern aficionados seem to have developed a sweet tooth.

Mattias Sundberg admits that there are differing opinions on how to judge the best semla. It is almond paste that seems to split the jury. Sundberg prefers a sticky paste while some of his fellow critics opt for a crumblier version. All sides agree on one thing:

"It's important that [the paste] of about 2 teaspoons is dead centre and is absolutely not bitter."

Sundberg and friends are hardly oddballs when it comes to their high standards for semlor. There's even a semla academy in Gothenburg. They have their own established minimum standards:

• The lid must be structured so it may be used for scooping;
• There must be cardamom in the dough;
• The almond paste must be authentic;
• The whipped cream must be fluffy;
• There must be powdered sugar sprinkled on the lid.

I'm all for authentic, but forget hand-whipping the cream in an age of electricity and arm saving appliances. I'm not going to go out back and milk my own cow for that matter, either. :) I'd love to visit the semlor academy and take a class. I wonder if they have a section on how to eat them without winding up with a face full of cream.

Last year I tried my hand at making these buns, but it had been a long time since I had made a yeast bread and wound up making weapons grade buns rather than soft, delicate buns. I vowed to try again this year and have finally gotten the hang of it after lots of trial, error and determination. So many recipes are either lacking in any descriptive guidance or fail to offer measurements in weight, as is often necessary when making bread since cups are not reliable measurements for flour, that I'd wager most people who think they can't bake pulla bread very well, will have much more success with the recipe here.

I think I managed to make just about every mistake possible while trying to attain the ideal soft bun. Too much yeast, over-proofing, under-proofing, too much flour and adding the butter too soon. I even tried a recipe that included hartshorn, a.k.a. baker's ammonia, which gave the dough a rank scent of ammonia and, in spite of the recipe claiming that it would burn off in the oven, a decidedly odd aftertaste.

I returned to an article on pulla dough in an issue of Ruoka & Viini for some insight to the secret of soft dough. Aside from many common sense tips such as warming the milk to the right temperature and having all your ingredients at room temperature, the only thing that was unusual was the recommendation to use 'erikois' flour instead of all-purpose or bread flour. I tried a batch with bread flour and I could have used the dough as a basketball it was so rubbery. The 'erikois' flour is different than the all-purpose flour in that it is slightly coarser and has a higher percentage of wheat germ which is lower in gluten and less absorbent. Using all-purpose flour works fine, but the erikois flour definitely seemed to give better results. The closest equivalent in the US would likely be the King Arthur All-Purpose Artisan Organic Flour with a lower percentage of gluten and made with hard spring and winter wheat.

I had a revelation at one point when searching for bread techniques with A9 as a book that I had gathering dust in my Amazon.com shopping cart kept popping up. I hadn't bought The Professional Pastry Chef: Fundamentals of Baking and Pastry, 4th Edition since I am not a professional pastry chef but the book remained tempting. I searched through it and found a recipe for Swedish Lenten Buns that I read and discovered that, after all these years of thinking that it made no difference if the butter was added with the milk or after the dough had come together, it is important not to add the butter when dissolving the yeast in the milk as it prevents the yeast from expanding. The recipe not only used weight measurements, but it also featured a simple pastry cream mixed with the almond paste filling instead of plain milk which intrigued me so I decided to give it a try. What a difference moving the addition of the butter from the beginning to the end of the dough process made! Given a choice, I had always added the melted butter to the milk as, even though I enjoy kneading dough, the slimy feel kneading butter into the dough is not one of my favourite sensations but, given the dramatically improved results, I'll deal with it. I've tried a few more recipes from the book now and am sorry I didn't buy it sooner and cannot recommend it more highly to anyone who likes baking well with accurate recipes and techniques. The pastry cream recipe was almost a miracle given the crap recipes I've used and struggled with before now.

So now that bun nirvana had been achieved, it was time to focus on the fillings. In Finland there are two varieties of filling; strawberry jam and almond paste mixed with milk and bits from the buns. The strawberry jam is easy and fairly popular, but the almond filling is a bit bland so I was eager to try the pastry cream variation and it is absolutely terrific. I don't even like the regular almond-filled buns but the pastry cream adds just enough creamy sweetness to make it rather tasty. You can mix and match pastry cream, jam and almond cream fillings any way you like, too.

The crowning touch to the buns is taking a small cookie cutter to the lids to give them an attractive shape and to make the bun easier to eat since the lid often does little more than squish the whipped cream when you bite into it and makes a bit of a mess. Sprinkle with powdered sugar and they're almost too pretty to eat. Just try not to eat all of them in one sitting. :)

laskiaispulla / semlor / lenten buns / cream buns

Soft Pulla Dough

Makes: 16 buns
Time: about 90 minutes
Source: Based on recipe in The Professional Pastry Chef: Fundamentals of Baking and Pastry, 4th Edition (note: recipe doubles well)

• 25g fresh compressed yeast
• 250ml warm whole milk (105-115F/40-46C)
• 3oz or 85g superfine granulated sugar
• 7,5g salt
• 1 tablespoon or 8g ground cardamom
• 2 eggs, room temperature
• 1lbs 5oz or 600g all-purpose or 'erikois' flour
• 7 tablespoons or 100g melted butter
• 1 egg white and a dash of milk (for egg wash)

Melt butter in the microwave. Set aside to cool. Weigh and measure out all ingredients and arrange near your workspace. Warm milk in a 2 cup measuring cup for about 1 minute in the microwave. Check the temperature with a thermometer and confirm that it is about 40C/105F. Crumble yeast into the warm milk and stir until it has fully dissolved. Stir in the sugar, salt, cardamom, eggs and a few tablespoons of flour. Stir until the mixture is smooth and the flour completely incorporated. Set aside for a couple minutes until it begins to bubble.

Pour the yeast mixture into a larger, room temperature, bowl and begin adding flour a few tablespoons at a time. Stir with a whisk or dough whisk until it begins to thicken. From this point on, knead the dough with your hands. Continue adding flour a few tablespoons at a time until the dough is soft but still slightly sticky. You may have a bit of flour remaining, but resist the temptation to add it all if the dough has the right feel. The amount of flour you need to use to reach the point of soft, yet slightly sticky, dough will vary depending on the type of flour, the age and moisture content of the flour and the humidity in the air.

Knead in the butter (it is important that the butter does not come in contact with the yeast before the yeast has had a chance to start expanding.) until it is fully incorporated. Again, resist the urge to add more flour in lieu of kneading the dough until the butter has been absorbed. Sprinkle a wee bit of flour over the dough if it is a bit too soft and tacky once the butter has soaked in, but be conservative. You want a soft, slightly sticky dough. Knead dough for a couple of minutes and place into a bowl that has been lightly greased with vegetable oil or butter, cover with a towel or plastic wrap and set in a warm spot for about 20 minutes to rest (Don't leave it for an hour thinking more is better since you don't want to over-proof the dough as this will make it tough). While the dough is resting,clean and prepare your workspace and baking sheets.

Turn the dough out of the bowl onto a silpat mat, countertop or other smooth surface. Do not flour your workspace or the dough. Knead dough lightly and divide dough into two parts. Roll each half into an 8-inch rope and cut into 8 1-inch pieces. Take each piece, place it on your workspace cupped in the palm of your hand and, with a reasonable amount of pressure, press down while moving your hand in a circular motion until the dough has formed a smooth, tight round ball. [see also diagram] If your dough isn't a little sticky or you are having trouble forming a smooth ball, rub your workspace with a wet (but not dripping) towel and try again. Arrange balls on baking sheet lined with baking paper leaving an inch or so between them. Lightly brush with egg wash (you can sprinkle the tops with pearl sugar or slivered almonds at this point, but personally I think that they don't complement the soft texture of the bun). Cover with a clean linen dishtowel or plastic wrap and leave in a warm place to rise for about 30 minutes or so.

Heat oven to 200C/390F. Bake buns for 10-12 minutes until they are a light golden brown. Place on cooling rack and allow to cool.

Filling(s):

Creamy Almond Filling:

• 2-4 tablespoons (50-100g) pastry cream (see below)
• 150g-200g almond paste, room temperature

Grate almond paste into bowl. Beat until smooth. Add pastry cream and beat until smooth, thick and creamy.

Pastry Cream

Makes: about 600g
Time: about 20 minutes
Source: The Professional Pastry Chef: Fundamentals of Baking and Pastry, 4th Edition (note: recipe doubles and halves well)

• 1 pint or 480ml whole milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla sugar or 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 ounce or 30g (about 1/2 dl) cornstarch
• 4 ounces or 115g granulated sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 stick or 55g butter

In a bowl, whisk the cornstarch, sugar and salt together. Gradually whisk in the eggs and mix until smooth.

Place milk in a saucepan or double-boiler. Bring to a boil and remove from heat.

Slowly pour about 1/3 of the hot milk into the egg mixture while whisking rapidly. Pour the tempered egg mixture back into the remaining milk.

Place saucepan on a medium heat and cook, whisking constantly, until the mixture comes to a boil and thickens. Let it bubble for a few seconds and remove from the heat. Stir in the vanilla and butter until completely incorporated.

Pour pastry cream into a bowl and allow to cool a bit. When cool, use for filling or cover with plastic wrap, pressing the wrap directly onto the surface of the cream to avoid condensation and to keep it fresh. It will keep refrigerated for up to four days.

Traditional Almond Filling:

• 200g almond paste
• 1,5 dl or 3/4 cup milk
• bits of bun scooped out for filling

Grate almond paste into bowl. Beat until smooth. Blend in milk. Add pulla and beat until smooth.

Whipped Cream:

• 3-5dl whipping cream, cold
• 2 teaspoons sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla sugar

Pour cream and sugar into a completely dry, cold bowl and whip to stiff peaks. Place cream in a pastry bag fitted with a #7/14-mm star tip.

Assembling:

1. Slice top off of buns. Take the tops of the buns and cut into heart, star or other shapes if you like. For the strictly traditional, use a pair of scissors held at a 45-degree angle to make a triangular cut on top of the bun about 2cm or 3/4-in deep. Trim excess bread from the underside of the triangular divot.
2. Spread almond mixture (or strawberry jam and/or plain pastry cream if you don't like almonds) onto the buns or into the triangular hole.
3. Pipe whipped cream generously over the tops.
4. Place top of bun over the whipped cream.
5. Sprinkle with confectioners' sugar.

permalink Ω 21 February 2006, Helsinki

Happy Whatever

« The passing blur of Helsinki Santa Rampage 2004. »

Just in case I don't find time or opportunity to share my shock and awe while home for the holidays, we at HFB Industries wish you and yours Happy Retail Shopping Holidays and Winter Solstice. If we don't get sent to Cuba, we'll be back before the New Year. :)

permalink Ω 13 December 2005, Helsinki

Eating Moomins

« A gingerbread Moomin house. »

Gingerbread houses seem to be an essential part of the holiday season. One gingerbread cookie maker even offers a simple pre-baked house that only requires a little icing to put it together. I had bought one of them and was planning to put it together since I hadn't ever built a gingerbread house before...and then I saw the Moomin gingerbread house cutter set and I was sucked into making it instead. Now, everywhere I look there are guides for all sorts of gingerbread houses, but none are as cute as the Moomin house.

I put together a guide for building your own gingerbread Moomin house (~300k pdf) with pictures, the pattern, building hints and recipes for gingerbread and construction icing should anyone else want to build one and not be able to find the cutter set. There is another guide, in Finnish, with forms (12k pdf) as well. All you need is a bit of imagination and candies to make it come to life. :)

permalink Ω 13 December 2005, Helsinki

Let the Drinking Begin

« Lapinlahti hospital. The first mental hospital in Finland and former residence of Alexis Kivi. »

Just as I'm starting to get really wound up about flying home for the holidays I read a few days ago that some nutcase off his meds claiming to have a bomb managed to get gunned down by an Air Marshall in Miami because they were on alert for a potential shoe bomber. Sweet. Aside from the worst-case scenarios I've already been envisioning, now I get to worry if some trigger happy cop of the not-so-friendly skies is going to start shooting a gun loaded with cop killer bullets at passengers who are acting a bit crazy. It's the holiday season, everyone is fucking crazy, with or without meds. I can't even buy a cookie cutter for 5 euro without the cashier asking me if I need it gift wrapped which makes me want to shout, "Fuck no, it's all for ME! I'm a GRINCH!" Just wait until the family holiday party where people will actually talk to each other even before the whisky sours start flowing. My head may just explode on contact. :) Maybe I'll just start drinking heavily before boarding the plane at Vantaa and pass out somewhere over Ireland. Of course, if my mother spends two weeks bitching non-stop about my embittered, self-absorbed and crazy grandmother, a person who is living proof that nasty people do, in fact, live longer, I may regret not getting sent on an all expenses paid tropical holiday to Gitmo courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security. :)

permalink Ω 10 December 2005, Helsinki

Christmas Prunes

« Joulutortut / Finnish Christmas Star Pastries »

Prunes; they evoke the image of geriatrics in need of a bit of digestive regularity rather than Christmas cheer, at least on my side of the Atlantic since the California plum growers cemented the connection between prunes and constipation forever in the minds of Americans (52k pdf). The first time I heard of these cookies I wondered if they were some sort of cruel joke played on the young by the Finnish gerontacracy. Since they are traditionally served after the main Christmas meal on the Eve with coffee, it might not be such a leap to think that the whole plan for these treats is to help move the heavy meal along.

I decided to make some of these pastries and was amused to find that 90% or so of the available recipes simply list the commercial dough and jam as ingredients. The frozen dough is usually made with margarine which, in spite of its advantage in the convenience department, doesn't really taste like anything which for all the calories involved is a definite downside. The commercial jam, too, doesn't have much taste either. In fact, the dough is so easy and convenient, that the only thing that might make it even easier is to pre-score the dough for cutting.

First I found a recipe for plum jam after a semi-comic discussion with Jarkko and his etymological dictionaries over the word marmalade since the filling is often called plum marmalade on the containers it is sold in. Marmalade, in English, almost always implies a citrus jam, usually including the rinds. I don't know that we came to an agreement on the how and the why it is called marmalade, but it has roughly the same texture and consistency as apple butter. It's not really a jam either, so maybe it should be called plum butter instead. Semantics aside, I made a plum jam from fresh plums, not prunes, for a nice red colour instead of the brown colour in the usual jam and also added a bit of cinnamon and ginger for taste. The colour and texture (left: store right: homemade) difference is noticeable.

Then I tried making a 'quick' puff pastry dough that didn't puff up like the commercial dough did and my demanding taste testers also commented that, while they liked the jam, the texture was more like a shortbread cookie instead of a flakey pastry. So, I tried again with a real puff pastry recipe and, though it worked better, it still wasn't puffy enough. Irritated, I consulted a few different sources about the untold simple secrets behind such a simple dough and discovered a few things that made sense, like using bread flour instead of regular flour in the dough to make it a bit more elastic which helps to keep it from breaking open when rolling it out. I paid more attention to lining up the edges and always turning the dough in the same direction and, eureka, it worked like a charm. It's all in the technique. It was difficult to keep from eating far, far too many of the pastries from this batch as they were light and flakey and addictive.

In the US, I can't really think of any single food that might be a holiday classic that has one single agreed upon form. Everything from apple pie to chocolate chip cookies have hundreds of variations and holiday meals and traditions tend to be both regional and within families. It's interesting that Finland has quite a few traditional holiday foods that are, for the most part, widely accepted around the country. Having made these pastries both from scratch and from pre-made building blocks, I can appreciate the ease and convenience of the pre-made ingredients, but of all the things on the Christmas table that can, and often are, be bought ready-made the joulutorttu really taste so much better when made with real butter and they're fresh out of the oven. No one ever said that padding your ass and clogging your arteries should be easy or convenient, especially since Christmas only comes but once a year. :)

plum jam/butter

Makes: About 4 dl / 2 cups - enough for 2 batches
Time: about an hour
source: all about canning & preserving

• 2 pounds or about 1kg plums, pitted and quartered
• 2 1/2 cups or 6 dl sugar
• 4 tablespoons lemon juice, fresh or bottled
• (Add ginger and/or cinnamon for a bit of spice)

1. In a tall saucepan, cook the plums, sugar and lemon juice, lightly crushing some of the fruit. Boil rapidly, stirring frequently until it reaches the jelling point and begins to thicken. Puree with a hand blender and/or press through a sieve for a smoother mixture if desired. Simmer for 30 mins to 1 hour to desired thickness, cool and refrigerate up to 1 week.

Puff Pastry

Makes: about 24-36 joulutorttu
Time: active time about 30 minutes
Source: King Arthur Flour Baking Companion

Tips:

• Always use unsalted butter
• Use a pastry scraper
• Keep your workspace cool and refrigerate the dough the moment is gets too warm
• When cutting the dough, cut with a straight, sharp edge or pastry wheel.
• If using an egg wash, take care not to get any of the egg on the edges of the pastry as it may seal the dough and inhibit puffing.
• The dough should be allowed to rest for 5-10 minutes between rolling and cutting to reduce shrinkage.
• Follow the illustrations for rolling out the dough with some degree of diligence.
• Make sure your oven is hot enough and use convection if you have it

Pastry:

• 3 1/2 cups or 8.25 dl bread flour
• 1/2 stick or 60g unsalted butter, chilled
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1 1/4 cups or 3 dl cold water
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice

1. Place flour in a mixing bowl and combine it with the chilled butter until the mixture resembles cornmeal. Add the salt and lemon juice to the water, stir well, then add to the flour. Mix gently with a fork or a dough whisk until you have a rough dough that pulls away from the sides of the bowl. If you need to add more water, do so a tablespoon at a time until the dough holds together. Turn out the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead until it's smooth and a bit springy, 2 to 3 minutes. Pat it into a square, wrap it in plastic wrap, or place in a large plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Butter block:

• 1/2 cup or 1,25 dl bread flour
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice
• 3 1/2 sticks or 400g unsalted butter, softened but still cool to the touch

1. Using a mixer, a food processor, or a spoon, combine the flour, lemon juice and butter until they are smooth and well blended. Lightly flour a piece of plastic wrap or waxed paper, and on it shape the butter-flour mixture into an 8-inch square. Cover the butter and place it on a flat surface in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes. Adding flour to the butter helps to stabilize it, so it won't "flow" out the seams when it is being rolled.

Rolling and Folding:

1. Remove the dough from the refrigerator and put it on a lightly floured surface. Gently roll it into a square about 12 inches across. Put the butter square in the center of the dough, at a 45-degree angle, so it looks like a diamond in the square.
2. Fold the flaps of the dough over the edges of the butter until they meet in the middle. Pinch and seal the edges of the dough together; moisten your finger with a little water, if necessary. Dust the top with flour, then tap it gently with the rolling pin into a rectangular shape. Make sure the dough isn't sticking underneath, and roll it from the center into a larger rectangle, 20x10 inces.
3. When the dough is the right size, lightly sweep off any excess flour from the top with your pastry brush, then fold the bottom third up to the center, and the top third over (like a business letter). Line the edges up on top of each other and even up the corners so they're directly atop one another. Turn the dough package 90 degrees to the right so it looks like a book ready to be opened. It's okay to use a little water to stick the corners together so they don't shift. If the dough is still cool to the touch and relaxed, do another rolling and turning the same way. If you've successfully rolled out the dough and folded it twice, you've completed two turns. Make a note of how many folds you've completed and the time, and then put the dough back in the refrigerator. Classic puff pastry gets six turns before being formed into finished shapes and should rest, chilled, for at least 30 minutes between every two turns.
4. Repeat the folding and turning process two more times. When all six turns have been completed, wrap the dough well and refrigerate it for at least an hour (preferably overnight) before using.

Assembling:

1. Preheat oven to 225C/435F.
2. Cut dough in half and leave one half in the refrigerator.
3. Roll dough out into a square roughly 34cm/13in on each side.
4. Using a pinwheel cutter or a pastry wheel and a ruler, cut squares roughly 8,5cm/3.35in on a side. See also: cutter pattern.
5. Place about 1 teaspoon of jam in the center of each square.
6. Lift every other corner to the center of the jam and, using the dull end of spoon or knife handle, press the corners firmly into the jam to keep them from unfolding during baking.
7. Bake in 225C/435F oven until puffy and light brown.
8. Decorate with powdered sugar.

permalink Ω 5 December 2005, Helsinki

Dry no more

« The view across Katajaharjunniemi of Lauttasaari water tower and the Ruoholahti power plant. »

A long, mostly sober, deadly quiet weekend. I'm almost sad to see all the cars returning to the city. Aside from two lovely barbeques and baking a couple of cakes, the highlight of the weekend was seeing the movie The Love Letter. It was a sappy movie, but I enjoyed seeing Rockport again as I do miss living there at times [Holy shit, the town voted to reverse the Hannah Jumper dry laws this year!]. I remember when the movie was being filmed and the stir it created in the small town where everyone knew everyone elses business. All of the actors were staying in apartments down by granite pier and the drive-by traffic trying to catch a glimpse of Tom Selleck or Kate Capshaw was so bad that they had to build a tall privacy fence to discourage the rubberneckers. It was also amusing when hearing all the old matrons tittering and gossiping at the Wednesday night town picnics out in Pigeon Cove about how hot Tom Selleck was. It's a lovely little town by the sea where time moves at a more comfortably slow pace.

permalink Ω 26 June 2005, Helsinki

Viinikivi

« A vintage custom delivery bike that has been beautifully maintained parked out on a sidewalk in Kamppi. »

The city is quickly emptying out as people rush off to drink loads of beer and eat sausages around a fire somewhere in the Finnish forest. I was stupid and somehow managed to volunteer myself for on-call duty this weekend so I have an excuse to stay reasonably sober. Hyvää Juhannusta. :)

One thought for cheap entertainment over the holiday is to stand near one of the "Erektio on jokamiehenoikeus" signs, dress like a tourist and walk up to guys who look like they won't kill me and ask, "What does that sign say?", just to see how they react and if any of them will say that it's a viagra ad informing us that every man has a right to an erection. Keeping a straight face and making sure to ignore anything said in Finnish might be hard to do. I need to get a non-Finn tourist guy with a camcorder to film it, too. If we survive, it could be a lot of fun.

This evening I realised the one thing I didn't get for my baking projects this weekend was some cream of tartar [viinikivi]. I sorta quipped to Jarkko that it's likely only at the apteekki [pharmacy] given the seeming randomness of various products only carried in specialty shops or the apteekki. One call to Stockmann later...it actually IS in the apteekki and not in the groceries. I mean, ok, it has medicinal uses but why should I have to haul my ass down to the apteekki for something so commonly used in baking?! Shouldn't it be in the groceries too?

permalink Ω 23 June 2005, Helsinki

Poster Child for Contraception

« My grandfather took this photo of me at about six months old. Aside from the demonic expression, I'm sad to know that I had bigger boobies as an infant than I do now. :) Happy Mother's Day. »

permalink Ω 8 May 2005, Helsinki

Wookie

« The first piece of constructivist public artwork in Helsinki in Ruoholahti that sits next to the bridge to Lauttasaari that many people drive past every day but likely never notice. It's called 'Vooki' [Wave] and I keep reading it as 'Wookie'. :) I'm not very fond of postmodern art, but this sculpture is interesting in that it looks different from every angle that you view it. »

I had five days in which I had lofty goals and ambitious plans for reading several books, going to see the Via Crucis and various other things that got lost in the vast sea of time, laundry and largesse. It has been so quiet this weekend that I'm happy that tomorrow signs of life will return to the city and I'll ask myself why I didn't make better use of the time off while I had it.

permalink Ω 28 March 2005, Helsinki

Caring and Sharing

« A red heart lamp with a mirror reflects a heart-shaped pool of light through the window and out onto the sidewalk. »

Love is: Giving your loved ones your cold/flu/plague so that you can be miserable together all weekend long. Even Otava seems a bit under the weather.

permalink Ω 14 February 2005, Helsinki

It's already 2005...

« Drinking Game: Not Suitable As A Toy For Children. »

Happy New Year everyone! In addition to my rather boring and semi-annual resolution to quit smoking, I will also add 'no trips to countries where outside the tourist compound it looks like a giant landfill' to the list. We survived, had a reasonable number of interesting adventures, took a few pictures and managed to return without too much excitement aside from wondering if all the fireworks around Helsinki, where residents ambitiously attempt to remove body parts while drunk and stupid, would hinder the plane's ability to land. I'll have an entertaining story to tell once I get some whisky to kill all that ails and some sleep on a real bed with clean sheets.

permalink Ω 31 December 2004, Helsinki

So that's what that was...

« A nativity crib from Austria, #4 on the Jouluseimet/Nativities 2004 map. I have a series of photos from the various cribs, but they'll have to wait until after Christmas. »

I am incredibly flattered that Clandestina this month selected a series of photos of mine from January's trip to Funchal, Madeira. It was difficult to choose the eight photos for the submission and, well, I just don't know what to say since it came as a nice holiday surprise. :)

For the friends who always ask if I've had lutefisk yet, the answer remains no, but I did notice a vat of floating smelly whitefish in the lunchroom yesterday which I decided was not at all appetizing and took the other entree option. Someone sat across from me with a heaping plate of the aforementioned white, gelatinous, smelly unidentified foodstuff and I couldn't help but ask what it was. I got about every third word as he explained in turbo Finnish and then, as the translation caught up with me, it dawned on me what this mystery meat was. I cautiously asked, "Is this what is called lutefisk in Sweden?" The immediate smiles and nods confirmed my interpolation. He also added that it didn't really taste like anything to which I asked why eat it? Perhaps I had missed the obvious? I then had an epiphany as to why it is the butt of so many jokes. So, yes, I've been close to lutefisk but my gastronomic curiosity is satisfied that it is close enough. :) I can send you the recipe and story about how it is made featured in today's newspaper if you like.

The office was like a ghost town after 2pm or so today. I showed the Rare Exports, Inc. Movie to everyone around to spread the holiday cheer and slack. I'll be going into the office for a while tomorrow as I know one box senses that its keepers are going on holiday and is plotting something. Perhaps I should whisper in the ether that I have a tesla coil handy should there be any shennanigans while we're away. I should load up some Morricone music to play loudly in the office tomorrow to go along with the tumbleweeds. :)

Update: Did I say ghost town? It's more like a deserted island. I somehow managed to take the wrong bus and had to go ask the driver when he took an unusual turn, "Onks tämä sata kolme?" "Ei. Sata yheksän." I must have hallucinated the right number. Much amusement and a different bus later I arrived at work without seeing a single person or vehicle. It's the festive post-apocalyptic effect.

An enjoyable holiday weekend to all and to all the return of the daylight! :)

permalink Ω 23 December 2004, Helsinki

Compliments of the Season

« Hauskaa Joulua / Merry Christmas / God Jul »

For everyone whom I would have liked to send a Christmas card to this year but didn't, Happy Seasonal Non-denominational Greetings. Well, except for the Santa and the Hauskaa Joulua bit. :) I like sending snail mail cards as it's the one time of year that I have a reason to put something in the post to everyone I know. I'm not big on Christmas, but the season does have a few bits worth having. I found a lovely tiny book about 37 pages long in Hagelstam's bargain bin a few months ago on the history of the Christmas card titled Compliments of the Season which you can read here. It's short and covers the rather recent tradition of the cards which first appeared in 1846. The book is old enough to find the writing style and language also very interesting. The Victorians are to blame for many things but they did get a few things right. I wonder what they would make of the dreaded, and usually dreadful, family update christmas letter many US families put into the mail every year. Perhaps channeling Jane Austen might improve them.

We set the date for getting the puppy; 16 January, which seems like an eternity away. The breeders have taken to calling him Jarmo which is a fine name but a bit too close to Jarkko I think as it's difficult enough at times to keep man and beast distinct in my mind. Fortunately, Jarkko doesn't shed. :)

permalink Ω 23 December 2004, Helsinki

Santa Shortage

« A fine specimen of an authentic Joulupukki, possibly exported from Finland, in the Burlington Mall, Burlington, Massachusetts in 1998. »

I found this picture a while back when digging through some old photos and I remembered watching the old guy for a while since the beard and every detail about his costume was perfect. Had I been a child, I would have wanted to believe this person was really Santa. The Sanomat today had an article about how difficult it is to find suitable Santas and, in England, kids can't even sit on Santa's lap anymore due to a paranoid frenzy over Santas getting handsy. I briefly entertained applying for a Joulupukki job on one of the cruise ships for grins, but figured I'd just make kids cry by telling them they were all going to get coal and switches under the tree. Ho Ho Ho.

permalink Ω 21 December 2004, Helsinki

Tuomaan markkinat 2004

« Warm glögi at the St. Thomas Market which, judging by the price, is lacking vodka. A few pictures from Tuomaan markkinat 2004. »

Christmas markets are always a lot of fun if only to look around and eat food that could harden the arteries of the most healthy person on the planet. The novelty from last year had already worn off and many of the same vendors returned this year, but there is always something you either missed or see in a different way no matter how many times you visit. The afternoon was very grey and gloomy and the market was quite crowded which made for a challenge to get a coherent set of photographs. It's as if November got pissed off over the cold weather and the snow and has taken over in December so we have warm, foggy, gloomy days instead of cold, crisp, snowy days as we should.

The highlight of the afternoon had to be the Santarchists careening through the market and surrounding the 'real' santa while singing and drinking beer. :) The theme of most of the products in the market tend to be practical items of clothing or housewares. I'm not really sure if this is aimed more at tourists or at the locals since some of the products are labelled with "Finland" as souvenirs. In the US Christmas markets I've been to, the offerings tend to be a lot more impractical, aside from the food, with lots of gaudy holiday trimmings for the home.

The polenta dogs were back this year and I really wish they'd be available at the grillis for late night snacks. Jarkko bought a kääretorttu, something that looks like a Hostess Hoho only without the "chocolate" coating, filled with buttercreme, and is the size of a yule log. It could kill a diabetic if they stood too close to it, not to mention the borderline heart cases on a low cholesterol diet. We also got a lihakukko, a meat variation of the fish varieties of the rye crust enveloped lard and meat loaf which is then baked. It's delicious in a i-can-feel-my-arteries-hardening-while-i-chew kind of way. :) Mmmmm....

permalink Ω 13 December 2004, Helsinki

Finnish Thanksgiving

« The bas-relief on this slab of dark granite becomes a cool bit of snowy art. A Thanksgiving day postprandial gallery of pictures from a November Snow to gape at in a turkey induced coma. »

Thanksgiving, a treasured holiday that involves lots of food, family and no religious obligations. A day that likely makes all the surviving Native Americans wonder what in the hell the Wampanoag tribe was thinking when they helped those prissy pilgrims survive the first few winters instead of taking care of the problem early. So much romanticism is imbued in the whole idea of Thanksgiving that even Plymouth Rock is a major tourist attraction which, I can tell you from personal experience, is the saddest bit of rock anyone might waste their time travelling down two hours from Boston to gape at.

In the annual fit of family and patriotic turkey eating frenzy, the Pilgrims were, in fact, immigrants celebrating the fact that they managed to survive a year or two in their new homeland, one that they either chose to or were forced to move to. Not that everyone shouldn't have something to reflect happily upon in the previous 365 days, but people who move to an alien land have a completely different need to do so since, like with the Pilgrims, there are lots of days where the misery you knew back home seems a lot more comfortable than the misery you are just beginning to make friends with. Simple things you once took for granted are a new challenge and few things come easily.

I didn't go home this year, much as I wanted to, but we had a 'Finnish Thanksgiving' dinner of turkey meatballs, mashed potatoes with aura cheese and garlic, and lingonberry sauce. It wasn't the same as a full spread of turkey, stuffing, giblet gravy, yams, cranberry relish, pumpkin pie, and piles of other food you try to cram in before you feel so full that you feel sick, but it was good. I don't feel much like a pilgrim but, like them, I've managed to survive so far and that's something worth treating yourself to a big meal that would drop a moose in 50 paces. Of course, this year I have something to be quite thankful for and that is, after much waiting and hoping, I finally got a job. Not only a job, but a job at the one place I wanted to work for above all the others. :) I'm happy, too, that I'll be working somewhere that I'll be, I think, the only native English speaker and where the operating language is Finnish and I will have no choice but to finally start speaking a bit more Finnish. I hope I survive the awkward stage. Getting back into a regular workday routine is going to feel really strange for a week or three I think. :)

Also, this week's paper had a story about Korttelit.fi, a pictorial map of every building in downtown Helsinki. The interface is very nicely done and the pictures are good as well. It's not finished as the person who created it is doing it himself, but I suspect there will be some commercial interest in it to make it worth his while.

permalink Ω 26 November 2004, Helsinki

Halloween Treat

« The saddest halloween trick or treater ever. She looks like she's about to cry. »

« The younger girls look happier, even with the giant spider and the headbands with the chunky bits that look like headphones. »

« Adorable ceramic witch outside of a ceramic art shop in Iittala. »

I couldn't decide on one photo so you get all three. Think of it as a Halloween treat. :) I don't know if it's my imagination or if there really is more Halloween stuff around Helsinki this year than last. Even so, I'm happy to see it since it is my favourite holiday of the year.

My back is still acting up in spite of getting looked at earlier this week. I haven't slept well all week as well and managed to oversleep for a birthday party I really wanted to go to tonight. Now I'm feeling crappy and am awake watching CNN talking heads shovel steaming piles of election rhetoric in between showing the Bin Laden video countless times while waiting for the weekly installment of the "global" version of the Daily Show to make it all better. If only Finland could get the Comedy Channel...

I'll note that the drunks passing me on the sidewalk while I was out having a smoke are dressed up in costume this year. One in her socks without any shoes and a white student hat repurposed as a flowered old ladies hat was particularly amusing. Oh, and since I just noticed....clocks go back one hour tonight...in case anyone other than me forgot.

permalink Ω 31 October 2004, Helsinki

Juhannus by the Lake

« Sunset on Lake Saimaa on Juhannus and other photos from Juhannus. »

Juhannus was spent along the shores of Lake Saimaa this year with Mari's fabulous family and I fully understand now why most Finns either have a mökki [summer cottage] or are saving up to purchase one. We drank, ate some excellent traditional foods, and mostly just relaxed by the lake. Mari took us into town since I hadn't ever seen Olavinlinna and we walked around the tori. The water in the lakes is so clear that it makes you realise just how polluted most of the US is, even the parts that are supposedly protected. It was so quiet around the lake, too, that I'd swear I heard someone fart on the far, far end of the lake. :) Savo, the lake district of Finland, is a lot less inhabited than the Tampere-Turku-Helsinki triangle in western Finland which makes for a quiet, serene and beautiful spot for a cottage. Lupines in pink, purple and white line the roads for as far as you can see. HB had such a good time that he didn't want to get out of the car when we returned so maybe we need to look into getting him a cottage for next year. :)

permalink Ω 6 July 2004, Helsinki

Drinking and Shooting

The Vappu 2004 pictures are online. Vappu this year had fabulously warm, sunny weather which was a nice change from last year's cold and rain. I was either stupid enough or brave enough to take my camera along for Vappu since photographing people in large crowds with a fully manual camera requires you to know your camera and have the ability to focus quickly. Vappu is a perfect place to practice and I had a great time getting some decent shots of friends and strangers. I'm still amazed that some of the photos I took later in the evening were in focus at all since my vision was already a bit fuzzy. The Portra UC film seems to utterly adore red and sucks up more of it than any other colour. [Those unfamiliar with Vappu might enjoy the International Hessa's explanation of sorts.]

The picnic at Francis' house with the deadly punch and toxic jell-o was very entertaining, especially as the evening wore on and we managed to make it to downtown where the jell-o was proffered to various ladies. Later in the evening, the guys gave the jell-o to a couple of guys who had a table full of empty shot glasses. Amazingly, they seemed game enough to try it. The jell-o was so strong with the homemade Canadian vodka that you could have gotten drunk from the fumes it gave off alone.

We didn't make it to Kaivopuisto last year due to a sahti induced vicious hangover and the rainy weather. Wading into the park on Vappu for the first time was a tremendous sight with a sea of people, young and old, wearing white caps. I felt left out without a hat so maybe next year I'll dig out my mortarboard and hood to wear around the park. With so many people in such a small space, I was rather pleased to see how peaceful everyone was. Perhaps it's because most people are either hungover or still drunk from the night before. :) Entire families and young children, grills, hookahs, discoballs, minstrels, tents, a VW Bus sauna and all the usual mayhem that comes with picnics en masse were to be had in Kaivopuisto. Vappu is a great party for everyone. Now we just have to hope that the weather isn't too hot and dry until Juhannus.

permalink Ω 7 May 2004, Helsinki

chemically impregnated brass band

Vappu is 2 parts carnival, 1 part dive bar and 100% good, clean entertainment. After wandering around downtown yesterday afternoon where I got to see a tractor pull in front of Zetor [the bar named after the tractor manufacturer and is filled with tractor kitsch] and scores of people just warming up for the evening drinkfest, we went to a small barbeque with some friends. We missed the capping downtown but the evening was perfect for grilling outside on the lawn. I made a double batch of my sister's potato casserole, all of which disappeared without a trace in no time at all. Francis, the host, made some jell-o shots since someone had brought jell-o back from a recent trip to Canada and they were so strong that they were watery or, well, vodka-y. The big idea was to take them downtown and give them out to cute girls. Single guys crack me up sometimes. :)

We didn't get too horribly drunk last night so we made the trip down to Kaivopuisto park and, wow, what a scene. I took a bunch of pictures that I'll get online later this week as I think they'll do a much better job of describing Vappu without words. While we were sitting on the couch after we waddled home from the park, the sound of a sick tuba came through the window. When we got up and looked out the window, we saw the "Drunken Vappu Brass Band", a.k.a. Retuperän WBK from HUT, parked across the street. They are the guys who drink entirely too much beer and then play the music for the capping ceremony. The guy on the hood of the wagon looks like he has had quite enough "chemical impregnation". Ah, Vappu. :)

permalink Ω 1 May 2004, Helsinki

Welcome May and the New EU States!

It's Vappu once again, the national day of drinking which is closely followed by the national day of hangovers sponsored by Burana. It's a day to drink and be merry or hide at home to avoid the drunks peeing and vomiting along the streets. It's also a day to wonder what circus the guys working on our building were hired from as they cut our water due to some mishap with the jackhammers. Well, who needs that fresh feeling on Vappu anyway? ;) Hauskaa Vappua kaikille! May your hangover be light and the weather in Kaivopuisto tomorrow be grand. I believe our new EU states will be celebrating tonight, too. Cheers and welcome to the EU Cyprus, Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Malta, Poland, Slovakia and Slovenia!

permalink Ω 30 April 2004, Helsinki

Lust for Hats

My eyewear fetish is something I've always thought of as a compensatory tactic for my inability to have the more traditional shoe fetish due to my titanic 10-10 1/2[US] feet which could never look dainty no matter how stylish the footwear. My secret fetish is hats. I adore hats, but aside from the more practical winter coverings for my cranium I usually look, but don't buy. I always envied the Queen Mum for her abiility to wear the ugliest of hats without the slightest sign of self-consciousness. All those awful hats with matching ensembles paired with the royal smile and wave saying, "Fuck all the little people, I love my hat! I am a sexy beast!" I would have paid good money to see her wear a fuzzy, fringed pimpdaddy hat with gold capped teeth. I wonder what family did with all those hats she left behind and didn't get buried wearing.

This Easter peep hat [Hope Hat, Uudenmankatu] caught my eye and I had to stare at it for a brief while with lust. My usual internal dialogue is, "Would I wear that hat? Yes. Would I wear that hat outside the house? Hmmm....no." It's always the same unless the hat is black and doesn't attract attention. I used to wear a black bowler, but I got way too many smartass jerks asking me if it was Clockwork Orange day. Clearly they were uncivilised cretins who hadn't ever seen Emma Peel in The Avengers. But hats like this make me wish I had what the Queen Mum had in the hat hutzpah department. Of course, with a 7 3/4 hat size, the cute Easter peep hat wouldn't likely fit me any more than a cute pair of fashionable shoes would fit my Cunard sized feet, but we always desire most that which we cannot have or look good in...don't we?

And, for anyone who has ever enjoyed the marshmallowy goodness that are marshmallow peeps, it's Peeps Week time again with Dr. Fun. :)

permalink Ω 7 April 2004, Helsinki

The Fazer Chicken

Easter is defined by calendrical engineers as "Easter Sunday is the first Sunday after the first full moon after vernal equinox." I have a hard time remembering what day of the week it is most of the time so I rely on a far more simple algorithm to determine when Easter is approaching; the arrival of Easter candy in the stores. It is less precise but accurate enough since the candy is the best part of the holiday.

Mämmi is back in the groceries, little hens and chickens are everywhere, chocolate bunnies, feathers, daffodils in pots and grass seed packets at the cashier since it's traditional to grow some small pot of grass for the return of the sun and warm weather. I didn't notice the Fazer Mignon eggs last year but these are the neatest Easter chocolates ever. They are real eggshells filled with an almond-hazelnut milk chocolate. The logistics of eating one of these eggs is complex and merits more study. The egg shell is removed rather easily with a brief bit of refrigeration. However, getting your teeth around a rather large, solid chunk of chocolate can produce at least 10 minutes of pure entertainment. Those who prefer to eat, not wear, their chocolate might use an egg slicer on a reasonably warm egg. The box mentions that these have been around for more than 100 years....

Mignon is an Easter tradition created by Karl Fazer in 1896, the second oldest product in Fazer's range. A genuine eggshell filled with fine nougat chocolate made with almonds and nuts. In the olden days they were delivered as an Easter treat even to the Tsar of Russia and his family....

What is it about Tsars and eggs? :) Anyway, I bought a few of these eggs, just to see if they were real eggshells and my results are inconclusive since, although they look and feel like real eggshells, the eggs are all perfectly sized. Does Finland have a chicken that lays identically sized, blemish-free eggs just in time for Easter? If so, I wonder if the chicken is pals with the Cadbury Crème egg rabbit or the Marshmallow Peeps. :)

update ~ Two people sent me links to articles about the Fazer Mignon eggs written in Finnish. I am amazed to find out that they are not only real egg shells, but that they are filled by hand, all 2.5 million of them each year. I made PDFs of the two articles and added translations for those who might be curious: Finnfood's Mignon - A Perennial Favorite of Easter [approx. 60k] and Mignon - the Classic of Easter Eggs [approx. 258k].

permalink Ω 19 March 2004, Helsinki

Rare Exports, Inc.

Finland exports more than just Nokia phones and this short film details the production of the most rare of Finnish exports. The large version [66mb] is worth the download if you have a highspeed connection. Yanks with a hang-up about naked male bums should likely refrain from watching this film. It's utterly delightful and narrated in English. [from PIE.]

permalink Ω 27 December 2003, Helsinki

Holiday photos and megawatt redux

A snapshot from a Christmas long ago which proves that my lack of fashion sense started very early in life. :) A few random pictures I took before the holiday and a few from Christmas Eve are up in the Christmas 2003 photo album which will probably be interesting only to family. Others that weren't as good are in the xmas03/etal/ directory. I may add some photos to it after I get the film developed and see if there are any good ones worth viewing.

Finland celebrates Christmas on the Eve rather than the day of Christmas like the US and other countries. Dinner consists of a traditional ham and a variety of side dishes such as potato and carrot casseroles. I was asked what was traditional in the US for Christmas dinner but I couldn't really offer a decisive answer other than "food". Eila made a lovely dinner and Kirsi baked a few delicious cookies and a chocolate bundt cake which I'm glad I wasn't left alone with along with a jug of milk. :)

Two years ago I collected a bunch of photos for what I presented in "2001: A Massachusetts Christmas Photographic Odyssey". I culled the better ones, resized them a bit more uniformly and put them in an album, Merry Megawatt Christmas 2001. A few houses were added at the suggestion of Babbage who lives next to people whose homes are runway beacons for Logan. This year, Chris wrote to tell me about his pictures from this years' display and a disturbing video of the most obscene house. What is most entertaining for me is seeing what a difference 2 years make in the accretion of kitsch. In 2001, there were 2 reindeer flying and this year there are 9 reindeer, complete with red-nosed rudolph. :) I quiver at the thought of the size of the electric bill these folks must have over the holidays.

permalink Ω 26 December 2003, Helsinki

Hyvää Joulua

I can't remember the last time I put up a Christmas tree. I've had these boxes of old glass ornaments and an oddball assortment of others that I've moved around with me for ages. One year I bought a cast iron tree stand from L.L. Bean and another year I bought a nice red velvet tree skirt. I nearly gave the whole collection to Goodwill before we moved this time last year but I couldn't part with it not having yet put it all together on a tree even once.

Well, after the snowstorm and walking past a full lot of fresh trees for a few days, Jarkko and I succumbed, bought a tree and decorated it last night. There's nothing quite so crazy, and possibly romantic, as carrying a tree home and decorating it for no apparent reason other than getting into the holiday spirit. Honeybear is glaring at it wondering it whether he can eat it, sleep on it or pee on it and, if he can do none of these, what is it doing in his house...:)

Happy Holidays everyone :)

permalink Ω 25 December 2003, Helsinki

It's the thought that counts...

My life has largely been spent in the company of men/boys because my profession is not very well populated with women. Every year around Christmastime, for as long as I can remember, every geeky male engineer has sidled up to my cube, my office, my inbox or online persona to ask me either what to get for 'the wife' for Christmas or what I think of a possible gift. Like some sort of fucked up Mrs. Santa Claus I channel what little feminine instinct I have to try to save Christmas for the woman and help the guy get laid if only once a year. Jarkko and I don't really do gifts but this year the desperation of these geek guys is starting to make me wonder if I didn't get a defective model of geek. :)

The range of gifts this year are worse than I can recall so I'm going to write down the few suggestions I give to every one of these guys each and every year to help them have a jolly holiday...if you know what I mean. The more cynical marrieds might say, "But we're married, what does getting laid have to do with Christmas or, well, anytime of year?". Well, if Strongbad did geek gift advice I suspect we'd have much the same advice to offer.

The BAD

• This year the most popular dumbass christmas gift idea is the Roomba. It's a robotic vacuum. Now, except for the rare women who really want a vacuum for Christmas, what woman is going to want an appliance that helps her clean up after your sorry geeky arse while knowing well enough that you bought it as a toy for you with a plausible out of saying it's a practical gift for her? Dude, it's like her buying you some Viagra for Christmas; the boner isn't for you, it's for her. Buy it if you think it's cool, but don't give it as a Christmas present. Your prospects of getting laid on Christmas or within 6 months of giving this gift are slim. Be sure to buy yourself a Fleshlight and plenty of lube to tide you over.
• Clothing is another popular yet misguided idea for Christmas. Geek guys who can't manage to match their own socks without the woman in their lives should "Just Say No" to this horrible idea. Gift certificates to her favourite shop or mall is a much, much better idea.
• Lingerie is yet another fabulously bad gift idea, especially for the over-35 set unless you really want to be forced to answer the question, "Does this make me look fat?". Just resist and buy a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret or something. Really. It's the young pre-childbearing equivalent to a tie.
• Buying food, chocolate, bon-bons, etc. for the weight loss/diet obsessed woman is not only stupid but insensitive as well. Think, you moron! You get a boner crowing about how smart you are all damn day and buying something for your woman isn't rocket science. It is a challenge, but easier than writing code for that arse of a client if you can pay attention to another humans' feelings for more than 5 minutes. I don't want to hear you say that you're autistic, either. You have plenty of attention for your own feelings so get over it.
• General rule of thumb is that when in doubt, buy something that she might not buy for herself and has a little flair that gives her the idea that you put a little thought into it that wasn't entirely self-serving.

The GOOD

• Every woman I know drops hints like bricks throughout the year for potential gift ideas for Christmas. Books or magazine/periodical subscriptions you know she would like are great gifts. You can also buy them on-line most of the time. Ask her to start an Amazon wishlist for you for next year even.
• Perhaps a trip to somewhere she has always wanted to vist, with or without kids if you have them. Even a weekend a short drive away on a smaller budget is nice.
• What about a camera or some other means of self expression or communication? Yes, I'm biased and it's a risk depending on the woman but, for some of you, this should make a light go on above your head.
• Tickets to the opera, symphony, movie or whatever cultural event she has been trying to drag your uncultured arse to for the past 5 years is bound to surprise and delight. Make sure you buy a nice suit to go with it. Armani or B2 is always a solid choice for a suit.
• Something that shows you have been listening to her for the past 364 days of the year is always a winner and if you haven't been listening, well, wing it.
• Come to think of it, gay guys have much better taste and feminine instincts than I do on this stuff. Ask a gay guy about gifts.

Perhaps there is potential for "Queer Eye for the Geek Guy" on next year's fall lineup on NBC with a Christmas special on how to shop for your woman.

In any event, you now have 5 shopping days left until Christmas so you'd better get to it soon. A good dose of common sense and thoughtfulness will work well most of the time so relax. Also, remember that like going to war, feeding the enemy well beforehand is a tactical advantage since everything seems better with a stomach full of turkey and taters.

permalink Ω 19 December 2003, Helsinki

If Santa were on the Menu

If Santa were merely a holiday dish I think a brioche [recipe: 50k .pdf] would suit the jolly old fat man, especially this one I saw in a bakery tonight.

permalink Ω 18 December 2003, Helsinki

Tiernapojat

Yet another unusual Christmas tradition imported to Finland by the Swedish is something called the Tiernapojat, a sort of roving band of Magi players who sing and perform on Christmas Eve. There aren't any Carolers in Finland so I suppose that in order to comply with some EU regulation Finland adopted the Tiernapojat. :) I asked Jarkko last night about the blackface king since I wondered if he was some obscure Finnish LotR character I wasn't familiar with. Being the expert on guiding me through his native culture he told me to look it up on google....so I did.

Tiernapojat, also known as tähtipojat ("Star Boys"), have been around a long time--for centuries. Students in old Oulu, a town in Northwestern Finland, who were in need of some extra cash, put together a Christmas pageant with singing, costumes and dialogue that has its roots in the Medieval mystery play. This little show was then taken "on the road," from house to house, and after the performance, donations were solicited in the form of a few coins. The story was of the maggi visiting King Herod and Baby Jesus, told with boyish vim and vigor. (It becomes quickly evident that tiernapojat is a distant echo of the Spanish Posada and Reyes Magos.)

I also wonder if the Mänkki, the star twirler, who has the exact same costume as the boys in the St. Lucia procession are somehow connected. Perhaps one costume influenced the other or one tradition borrowed from the other. I'd be curious to see Tiernapojat perform but I don't suppose that they come around to apartment houses in downtown.

permalink Ω 18 December 2003, Helsinki

Joulupolku

A selection of photos from the Joulupolku, the Christmas Walk, on Seurasaari on Sunday. It was a dark grey day that became a dark snowy evening with not much illumination so it's not a stellar collection of photos.

Seurasaari is an island very close to downtown Helsinki that is both an outdoor culture museum featuring historical architecture from all regions of Finland as well as being home to many furry-eared squirrels. I read a blurb in the Helsinki tourism guide that there was going to be a Christmas walk event on the island for a few hours. I grabbed my camera and took Jarkko along in spite of his cold thinking it would be good for us both to get out of the house.

A minor detail that the program failed to mention was that the event was for children and that children attending should bring a torch/lamp/source of illumination and 1 handmade ornament for decorating a tree. Had I known about the torch request beforehand, in addition to the weather, I likely would have left my camera at home. When we arrived the place was teeming with cars, more cars, hundreds of small children and a legion of prams.

It was sorta fun wandering around the island watching kids with miner style headlamps cavort about like they had been fed crack and looking for stuff in the dark and snow. Giant squirrels were handing out cookies and pedestrian reflectors, carolers were singing, warm rice porridge was being served and sausages cooked. Around what I have dubbed the scary Nazgul Nativity there was a collection of Christmas peace candles, some of which had been carefully placed within snowball containers to help keep the wind at bay. The handmade ornaments were adorable as were the gingerbread cookies left out for Santa. On the dance grounds there was singing about porridge and dancing in circles. And, of course, there was the Joulupukki and Mrs. Joulupukki to tell all the kids they'll all be getting coal this year. :) The trees were lit all around in various colours which had a mystical effect since it was snowing. The last stop on the walk was a few bon fires for people who brought their own sausages to complete the holiday outing with warm, greasy meat enjoyed al fresco amidst the falling snow.

So, next year we'll have to bring a torch, sausages to grill and an ornament or two to put on the tree. I think I'll start reading the event programs in Finnish more often as well since I'm finding that the information is a lot better and more accurate in Finnish.

permalink Ω 16 December 2003, Helsinki

Lucia Light

A few photos from St. Lucia Day in Helsinki.

So, what's an Italian Catholic saint doing strolling about Finland with her eyeballs intact? Good question. :)

John Donne said it thusly in A nocturnall upon S. Lucies day, Being the shortest day:

Tis the yeares midnight, and it is the dayes,
Lucies,who scarce seaven houres herself unmaskes,
The Sunne is spent, and now his flasks
Send forth light squibs, no constant rayes;
The worlds whole sap is sunke:
The generall balme th'hydroptique earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the beds-feet, life is shrunke,
Dead and enterr'd; yet all these seeme to laugh,
Compar'd with mee, who am their Epitaph...

There is an odd mixture of the pagan and christian traditions in the Nordic countries. The Joulupukki, commonly known as Santa Claus these days, is also represented by the pagan goat where offerings were made to this god in the dark of the year to bring the sun back. Light plays a significant role in many of the celebrations here and so it isn't terribly surprising that the patron saint of light and the blind should be part of the holiday tradition in spite of the Catholics having little success in establishing themselves in the Nordic lands. St. Lucia died a martyr's death asserting her Christianity by refusing to marry the pagan suitor her parents chose for her to wed. Her eyes were torn out but miraculously restored. The day of St. Lucia marks the longest night and the beginning of the 12 days of Christmas.

In Helsinki, the Swedes here appoint a girl to be St. Lucy and sing in her honour. The girl wears a white dress, a red sash, a crown of electric candles and carries a sheaf of wheat. The boys wear white robes, pointy white caps and carry stars though I've no idea what they represent. This year's St. Lucy is the lovely 23 year-old Anna-Charlotta Thibblin.

I stood at the foot of the Tuomiokirkko freezing my arse off for almost 2 hours before she emerged to descend the steps with her entourage. Quite a few children were waiting impatiently for the main event along with me which made me feel a bit like the aged tourist. :) There were more photographers around than flies on a cowpie in summer. Some Japanese film crew set up next to me and I got tired of them hassling me so I jumped the line and moved past the carriage to get a couple of reasonable photos of her. The lighting was difficult since it was either very dark or blindingly light from the spotlight YLE had aimed at her. I felt a bit badly for the other maids and the boys since none of the photogs seemed interested in them. Once she was in the carriage, the parade started to move towards Finlandia Hall but I was terribly disappointed to find that she is at the end of the procession so all of us who waited for her to arrive were deprived of seeing the rest. Something to remember for next year. :)

Now, if I could only get Pavarotti's Santa Lucia out of my head....

permalink Ω 14 December 2003, Helsinki

Tuomaan Markkinat

An evening at the Tuomaan Markkinat in vivid colour.

We wandered down to the Tuomaan Markkinat, the St. Thomas' Christmas Market, yesterday evening and had a good time browsing through much of the touristy and non-touristy wares but the best part was the food. The polentadogit are full of everything bad for you but taste terrific. Fresh out of the fryolator, still steaming, a meat sausage coated in a deep-fried polenta batter and eaten while standing in the cold. Delicious. The lohikukko is salmon and fatty bacon rolled into a rye bread crust. A bit salty but tastes great.

The local handicrafts fall into several flavours; woolen/textiles, wood craft, metalwork and food. The things done with wool are beautiful. The sweaters are usually a traditional nordic style but the crazy hats, warm slippers and other items made with wool are colourful and beautifully styled. Items made from wood are no great surprise since much of Finland is forest. You can buy just about anything made from wood but I particularly like the more practical housewares such as the cups and serving trays. I'm not really certain where the metalwork figures into Finland's heritage but the designs are sleek, simple and practical with a few whimsical exceptions like a candleabra shaped like a viking ship. And, there's no shortage of food either. I like Finnish food and there were a few things like the lohikukko that I hadn't seen or tried before.

The market is held on the Esplanadi, [ map of the market from the HS on Monday ~140k ], and is very well attended. The aisle between the bright red tent stalls is rather narrow so the tide of humanity pushing past the vendors makes it rather difficult to browse or take photos. I somehow managed to take a few good photos, one in particular is a vendor modelling a hair towel for a guy who may be purchasing it for some female in his life. I'm intrigued by these people who sell things in a tent in cold weather to the crowds of people who go by each day. Some, like the wacky hat lady, obviously love their job while others have more complex stories to tell and faces to go with them. I'd like to go back and just hang out in one spot for a day just to watch people and stuff go by.

permalink Ω 10 December 2003, Helsinki

Think Blinky Lights

It's that time of year I usually fire up xsnow on my sparc console and stare at the swirling snow after drinking too much at the office holiday party. I don't have a sparc or office parties this year but xsnow is still around. I could run xsnow on OS X but I'd have to run X11 which I don't use for most things like Safari. There is Snow for OS X but these guys want $10 for it. I think they need to get some perspective as charging that much for a novelty utility that you use for one or two weeks a year on OS that only costs $120 is a bit sad in the shareware realm. If they changed santa into the grinch and the reindeer into the dog wearing antlers though I might reconsider.

Needing something festive I settled on a xmas lights which are lovely and inobtrusive with just the right amount of holiday flair. The author also has ThumbNailer which is a blazingly fast and simple app that will create thumbnails of a folder of images. And for the missing snow there is Snö which has both desktop snow and a snow screensaver. I may split the $10 the xsnow guys wanted and send each of these guys $5 for christmas. :)

permalink Ω 8 December 2003, Helsinki

Punning Wit

I love linguistic punnery and I've been seeing this advertisement around Helsinki for the past few weeks and smiling every time. "Meri" is the Finnish word for "sea" and the advert is for the Viking Line cruise ships. Yeah, it's corny but it's cute. If South Park were on TV here, there could be ads for the Joulupuu [christmas tree - pronounced 'YO-lou-poo'] with a picture of Mr. Hanky draped in tinsel with a star on his head. "Mr. Hanky the joulupuu..." :)

permalink Ω 4 December 2003, Helsinki

The new face of holiday marketing

During the holidays this is not a message you would expect to see in the window of a retailer in a suburban shopping mall. It's like Wal*Mart turning customers away this time of year, the ones who haven't been trampled, and informing them that they shouldn't be buying into the crass commercialism of Christmas. :) I wonder if there is a misunderstanding in the meaning of "Cut the crap" since retailers really do like to sell you as much crap as you are willing to purchase during the holiday season.

permalink Ω 3 December 2003, Helsinki

Holiday flashback

Ho!Ho!Ho! Just another reason to be glad it's not the 1970s anymore - people don't show up at your parties with monster cheese balls and stale crackers. This stuff makes herring look good.

permalink Ω 2 December 2003, Helsinki

Holiday Windows

Stockmann, the omnipresent department store in Finland, has a Christmas window complete with ice cream and chocolate smudges left behind by kids pressing their face and hands to the glass. The pregnant elf and the elf morphing into a cookie are a bit freaky looking. :)

I vaguely remember my parents taking my sisters and I to see the Famous-Barr holiday display downtown when I was a kid. It was two blocks long and impressive, but the store stopped making the displays in the early 70s since downtown St. Louis had became a ghost town and the people who fled the city didn't want to drive downtown just for the lights in the grand old department store. I wonder where the holiday window display tradition for department stores originated. I looked in two of the books I have on the history of Christmas but neither of them cover this specific part of holiday marketing.

permalink Ω 29 November 2003, Helsinki

Piparkakut

Among the traditional holiday cookies in Finland are the piparkakut. They are commonly cut into a round scallop shape but pigs and little boys are the traditional holiday shapes for these delicious cookies.

There are a lot of different recipes out there for piparkakut. The most common variations in the US omit the orange zest and add nuts and/or cardamom. One yankee recipe online had margarine instead of butter. Blech. The Finnish variations seem to all have much the same ingredients but differ in the amounts.

The most important and curious omission is in preparation of the dough. The sugars are brought to a near boil along with the spices and then allowed to cool. Afterwards, the dough is chilled for 8-12 hours. Both of these steps are omitted in all the US variants I found either online or in cookbooks. The sugars in the corn syrup are complex and long so heating allows them to breakdown as well as have the spices mix with the butter. The chilling firms up the dough and gives the dough much more time to develop the complex spice flavours.

If you're not familiar with cooking sugars it's not terribly hard, but you have to be on top of it. It is interesting that the cooking of the sugars is just not present in many recipes and perhaps it is a result of a difference in baking culture or laziness. Corn syrup is generally used to make cookies browner and surface crisper. The acidic orange peel is likely added for aroma as well as to keep the sugars from crystallising into granite hardness. If you want a softer cookie, you could replace the white sugar with brown sugar. Since the cooking of the sugars also involves the butter, don't crank up the burner to 10 as the butter will form solids and burn. Start with a low-medium heat and a whisk and stir it until it looks a bit bubbly then remove it from the heat.

I should make a batch of both the boiled sugar and the non-boiled sugar recipes and see if there is as much a difference in taste as I expect there would be. The recipe is translated and converted from the Finnish classic cookbook, Kotiruoka :)

Piparkakut, Finnish Ginger Cookies

Ingredients

• 250g or 2.5 sticks salted butter
• 2 dl or 1 cup sugar
• 1.5 dl or 3/4 cup dark corn syrup
• 2 eggs
• 3 teaspoons cinnamon
• 3 teaspoons ground ginger
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cloves
• 1/2 teaspoon allspice
• 3 teaspoons orange peel zest*
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 8 dl or 5 cups all-purpose white flour

Instructions

1. In a saucepan, bring the corn syrup, sugar, butter and spices to a boil. [ The text in the original recipe doesn't say anything more than boil. This likely doesn't mean the same as a sugar boil for candy. I'd suggest a slow heat, while stirring constantly, until it looks close to boiling. ] Remove from heat and let cool to room temperature. Add in eggs, slightly beaten.
2. Mix flour and baking soda and sift into bowl containing wet ingredients. Mix well and roll into a ball. Cover bowl and place in refrigerator for 8-12 hours or overnight.
3. Split the dough into two parts. Roll dough to about 1/4-inch or 2-3mm thickness. Cut into shapes and bake at 175C/350F until golden brown, the cookies feel firm to the touch or about 10-15 minutes, whichever comes first. :)

* - Jarkko points out that orange peel in Finland is not from the usual Florida orange, but from the smaller and thinner Moroccan kind of orange. Florida orange peel will likely be fine as well though. :)

permalink Ω 28 November 2003, Helsinki

Rakas Joulupukki

I had to go down to the Tulli today to pay up for some warm shoes and ear muffs I ordered from L.L. Bean. I think the customs people are incredibly nice and polite here. Granted, I don't like paying a 22% tax on stuff I order from outside the EU, but they're friendly in spite of what is likely an unpleasant job sometimes when people get irate, etc. over the tax.

The tulli is in the main post office downtown and the posti is ramping up the Christmas cheer with a display of letters to Santa sent to Santa's Post Office which is in Lapland, where Santa lives and maintains an office. There were a few letters that were just adorable:

• Jeramias * 5 years old and wants lots of games. Self-portrait needs work. :)
• Sarlotta [Charlotte?] * Illustrates her saavy well beyond the boys by illustrating precisely what she wants with pictures. She's an ad exec in the making. She wants a truck, too. You go Sarlotta!
• Satu * A girl who wants only one thing and, like Sarlotta, illustrates the exact make and model of her fondest hope: A Nokia 3510i.
• a scroll * Kids too poor for paper, pen and postage can write to santa in the posti. Some of them are sad and some of them are funny.

My youngest sister was 7 years older than me when I was born so I never really bought into the santa thing or wrote letters to a bearded fat white guy asking him to bring me stuff. I do, however, remember pretending to believe for a lot longer than I should have because my sisters asked me to and because I thought my parents genuinely enjoyed playing santa. I don't even know these kids with the letters and I want to send them stuff as playing Santa is fun if far too brief.

I'm usually a real humbug for the holidays but that display sure put me into a holiday mood. If only it would snow now it would be complete :)

permalink Ω 21 November 2003, Helsinki

The Ghost of Halloween Past

An old picture I dug up of me as a witch for a Halloween long, long ago. My sister Gayle is looking terribly fashionable while trying to get me to wave at my Father with the camera. I think my mother made that costume which had a bunch of cool tassles and embroidery on the cape. Daddy died 5 years ago today and I miss him every time I happen upon one of these old pictures.

permalink Ω 3 November 2003, Helsinki

A Helsinki All Hallow's

Photos of All Hallow's in Hietaniemi Cemetery.

I missed the usual pumpkin carving, drunken costume party and annual halloween candy like candy corn, caramel apples and seasonally coloured M&M's this year. I suppose I should just look at it as an opportunity to save my hands from getting sliced up, to not get drunk and look stupid dressed up as Ashcroft with Jarkko behind me as the draped Boobie of Justice [ or, more likely, the other way around ], to not drink more than a few beers, and to not stuff myself on candy. Still, I've always loved Halloween as the one holiday that is mostly seasonal and secular in the modern incarnation. It evokes nice memories of bonfires, hayrides, candy, the nice neighbourhood I grew up in, bobbing for apples, hunting for pumpkins at the farm down the road and scary stories.

Finland doesn't celebrate Halloween even though the candy shops, some of them, have Halloween candies and decorations. The Finns do celebrate pyhäinpäivä, All Hallow's, a christian version of the more ancient Kekri. I somehow convinced Jarkko it'd be more fun to wander around Hietaniemi Cemetery illuminated only by candles and take photos than to sit at home hugging a laptop. The tradition is to honour the dead by lighting candles at their grave which doesn't seem unusual until you see an entire Cemetery that looks like the milky way. I don't think I've ever seen so many candles lit all at once.

permalink Ω 2 November 2003, Helsinki

See 'n Scratch

The pumpkin says, "Pöö! Treat or Trick!"

Remember the old See 'n Say? Sounds that animals make really aren't on the usual vocabulary lists when learning a language. You figure out somehow that, in Finland, the dog says "Hau Hau" and the cat says "Mau Mau". Karkki Pussi, one of those tragically named businesses which means 'candy bag', has introduced me to the sounds things make at Halloween. Finland doesn't really celebrate Halloween but what candy store is going to pass up an opportunity to sell more candy? :)

What I don't quite understand is that if the banners and candy are printed with "Happy Halloween", then why are the ghosts and goblins and pumpkins speaking in Finnish? And why does the Finnish ghost say "Boo!" differently than the pumpkin? Is one of them from Savo?

The ghost says,"Huuuu! Wild Halloween[ie]!"

permalink Ω 16 October 2003, Helsinki

Hyvää Juhannusta!

Juhannus. Midsummer. Traditionally observed on the Saturday between the 20th and 26th of June it is the celebration that marks the summer solstice. Jarkko's parents had us over for the weekend and we had an incredibly nice time. I took a bunch of photos some of which turned out but a lot of them didn't since the weather and the light conspired against me on many occasions. We didn't have the best weather but it was still a lot of fun anyway.

On Friday afternoon we had a fabulous lunch and relaxed with HoneyBear before going to Seurasaari for the bonfires. Erikki and Eila hadn't been there for Midsummer since 1967 so it was incredibly nice of them to go along for what must be terribly old hat for the locals but new for me.

It was crowded along the way to the far side of the island, an outdoor museum of culture and architecture, with local craftspeople lining the path. There was a cute young girl dressed in a traditional costume selling 'magic spells'.

One after another, each fire was lit and accompanied by singing. There were people crowding the shore, sitting up on the rocks along and in boats on the water waiting for the main fire to start. A long boat carrying the Juhannus wedding couple, married just hours earlier on the island, rowed out and back with a torch to light the largest and final bonfire. Afterwards there were several hours of music and dancing in the outdoor festival grounds nearby but it began to rain so we didn't stay.

» Kokko, kokoo koko kokko kokoon!
» Koko kokkoko?
» Koko kokko.

» Kokko (name), gather the whole kokko (midsummer fire)!
» The whole kokko?
» The whole kokko.

We went to Porvoo on Saturday and walked around the old town though few of the shops were open. It's a town on the King's Road which is rich in history and I'd like to return some afternoon to see the markets when they're open as Eila mentioned they are quite good. One of the radio stations we were listening to in the car had a roving reporter with a microphone running around the deserted center of Helsinki which was pretty amusing. I finally got to try the Finnish makkara, a bratwurst-like sausage, and enjoyed them quite a lot but what's not to love about meat and fat grilled and eaten with mustard and bread? :)

It was a very quiet, restful and lazy holiday marking the time where we must now watch the amount of daylight wane until December.

permalink Ω 23 June 2003, Helsinki

Vappu photos

I survived Vappu and managed to take a few photographs of the melee. A Helsingin Sanomat article I found helps to explain the origins of Vappu which noone seems to remember or care about anymore. It's a giant drunken street carnival everyone seems to enjoy regardless of where it came from. :)

The tradition is to have a group of university students winched up by a crane over a rather voluptuous fountain statue whereupon they place a cap on her head at 6pm on Vappu Eve. They dangle in the air waiting for the time to arrive and discuss how many beers they've had already while drowning out the din of the bad, drunk brass band playing on top of a van nearby.

Once the cap is on the statue named Manta, everyone puts on their own caps, regardless of age, and the festivites officially begin. The harbor area is full of balloons, typical carnival fare, and a few food vendors selling sausages and pancake/crepe-like pastries with jam to help keep a few people sober or liven up the sidewalk vomit, depending on how you look at it. :)

People hang around while drinking champagne and wearing goofy hats. One girl had a giant grinning flower balloon in one hand, a bottle of champagne in the other with a curious look on her face while the friend next to her is saying somthing like 'you didn't need him anyway'. I really like that photo. I also caught Sammy Hagar amidst the crowd.

After about 2 hours of this, people wander to private parties or to pubs, leaving the empties for the clean-up crew.

permalink Ω 4 May 2003, Helsinki

Vappu means party :)

Vappu is coming and I am looking forward to the annual day of crazed drunken Finns running around Helsinki in goofy-looking white hats and auto mechanic coveralls :) Jarkko gives me a dirty look whenever I mention just how goofy the hats, the ylioppilaslakki, look on people...and I like wearing hats :) It is the day for labour and university students and just about everyone else who feels like getting their May Day drink on and snack/funnel cake on. Here's to the onset of May and hopefully it won't snow this year. :)

"Vappu is the Memorial Day of Saint Labor, holiday of spring and university students and also the workers international festival and demonstration day. It has been celebrated in Finland since 1890, and, in addition, in many countries it has been paid day-off since 1918. At Vappu, students and family generally drink mead and eat Mayday fritters, however, some drink beer and other alcoholic drinks.

Big festivals abound in the city streets and in market places. People of all ages wear their student caps. Students gather around a statue, such as havasamanda in Helsinki, and wash the statue before putting a white cap on her head."

A Vappu lexicon....

• tippaleipä : a "funnel cake" sort of food.
• sima : Finnish bubbly lemonade.
• Wappu/Vappu : May 1st.
• haalarit : the overalls that used to only be worn by technical students, which have subsequently been appropriated by all students. Students often exchange portions of their sleeves/pants' leg with each other and then sew them on their own, giving them different color combos.
• ylioppilaslakki : the white and black hat worn by students. For older people, their hats are usually yellowed with age though :)

May Day Cookies
Tippaleivät

• 2 eggs
• 2 tsp sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 dl milk
• 4 dl flour
• ½ tsp vanilla

To fry:

• vegetable or coconut oil

Mix the eggs and sugar, but don't beat! Add the other ingredients and stir into a smooth batter.

Put the batter into a paper cone or a pastry bag fitted with a small-holed nozzle.

Squeeze the batter in a thin band into the hot oil. Use a spiral motion to form nest-like cookies. If possible, use a metal ring in the pot to keep the cookies in shape.

When the cookies have turned golden brown, remove and drain them on paper towels.

Dust the cold cookies with powdered sugar.

I have read another recipe in Finnish that suggests using a metal soup ladle, sitting half-submerged in hot oil, to shape the cakes which seems far more practical than a 'metal ring'

permalink Ω 25 April 2003, Helsinki

Welcome May :)

I must have attended a very progressive Catholic school as we always had a Mayday party with a maypole and bouquets of flowers and candy. The US doesn't celebrate Mayday or Beltane since it's rooted in pagan tradition but it is observed all throughout Europe. Finland celebrates Vappu where the entire country gets utterly drunk for a few days. I wonder if there's a giant spike of births in January :) They also wear the goofy white sailor hats which are, I'm told, the equivalent to the academic mortarboard. Can you imagine an entire population of drunken people in hats running around with balloons to welcome Summer? I can't wait to join in the heathen debauchery :)

permalink Ω 2 May 2002, Helsinki

It's the tricorn hat

Patriot's Day wasn't something I was familiar with until I moved to Boston since some places of business were closed for the holiday and I asked what in the hell was going on. I try to let this holiday pass without notice but the Patriot's Day parade and festivites woke me up this morning with bagpipes and marching bands. I really hate parades and have since I was a kid. Loud. Noisy. Stupid. Next time I buy a house I'll be sure to check if it's on a parade route :)

The Boston Marathon is also a feature of Patriot's Day each year and this year a few patriotic Kenyan's won. In fact, 1st thru 4th of the men and 1st and 2nd of the women were Kenyan. The only way I'd run down the street, much less 26 miles, would be to have a lion chasing me but I guess the Kenyan people have had enough experience with that :)

permalink Ω 15 April 2002, Helsinki

Fight Global Warming

Arbor Day is coming soon so check the date your state will celebrate it this year, buy a single or a bunch of trees and plant them. With the exception of the apple tree that got zapped by lightning when I was living in the UK [ Dad took photos to prove it to me ] all of the trees my father and I planted for Arbor Day every year are still alive and rather large :)

permalink Ω 7 April 2002, Helsinki

It's the Easter Boobie!

This weekend, those of us non-theists are left wondering what to do since almost everything is closed and family is several thousand miles away in either direction. Well, I stayed up late last night drinking Bailey's and heard an odd noise that sounded a lot like Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" in the kitchen where I had left the peeps out to dry for Sunday's peep-o-rama. I got off the couch, saw what was going on, grabbed my camera and captured the following shocking peep porn on digital film.

One overzealous peep was going at another female peep who seemed rather bored with the entire process. Then I saw two bunnies in the butterfly position and a bunny sitting on anothers face. Holy Cow Batman, who knew Peeps got it on! After they saw me with my camera, I think they started hamming it up a bit.

More peeps came to the scene. "We're fat free and not a significant source of vitamin c!", they cried. The flew out of the box and got right into the 69 position where even my dog got in on the action.

"My peeps are pervs!", I giggled wickedly, but they were just warming up. A threesome of bunnies and a peep duo were doing it ...well, you know. Some other bunnies were into the hot wax and candle fetish. When I thought it couldn't get any more disturbing, I caught the timer chicken watching peep bondage.

Honeybear started really digging the sweet bunnies and peeps. Soon, he had spawned an entire family of sugary goodness ensuring a ready supply of peeps for easter next year!

I'm going to have to keep these perverted holiday treats away from the kids from now on and I just can't wait to see what the Halloween ghosts and Christmas trees do when I leave them alone in the kitchen :)

permalink Ω 31 March 2002, Helsinki

Props to my Peeps

It's that time of year again where you give in to the sugar craving, buy a bunch of Marshmallow Peeps and surf the net late at night looking for the Peep FAQ, Food Chemist thesis research, take a tour of the Peeps factory, chuckle at the Blair Peep Project, get annoyed by the cliche' Peepdance, see an American Peep in Paris and view the creatively limited Peeps artwork. I especially love this weeks Dr. Fun Peeps series.

I like to leave them out for a few days so they get hard and chewy. :) I'm going to sleep all weekend and eat lots of chocolate and Peeps.

permalink Ω 28 March 2002, Helsinki

The bunny cometh

permalink Ω 14 March 2002, Helsinki

Just Born Peeps

In the long line of quintessentially American foods behind Jell-O, Velveeta and SPAM lies the Marshmallow Peep. They used to only come around Easter time, which is March 31st this year, but they have expanded to be year 'round treats. The Just Born history details the little critters evolution. Even Martha Stewart has a Marshmallow treats kit so you can make your very own if you have lots of time and homemaking on your mind. Jarkko made me try herring in Finland so I'm working my way up to feeding him Velveeta by way of the peeps and I don't think Peeps would be a hit in Helsinki. :)

permalink Ω 27 February 2002, Helsinki

Happy Frigidaire New Year

I've always thought the whole New Year's thing as a rather dull and cold event. Why can't we celebrate midsummer when it's warm out with drinking and debauchery as a national holiday instead? :) I've done the Times Square celebration and others so this year we gave the Boston First Night celebration a whirl.

When we arrived we were promptly greeted by an array of inflated figures of a clown, the Temple of Been Here, and a group of weird creatures one of whom had killer boobies even Madonna would envy.

Ice sculptures were a very popular attraction as well. There was one where easy rider complete with steamy exhaust represented the old year with a child on a tricycle as baby New Year. A lovely scene of Bears and salmon with an amazing backdrop of trees was a big hit. The Snow Queen sculpture in Copley Square with the queen herself on a gryphon sleigh and a buck and child while the artists completed the bears with chainsaws was also pretty stunning. I wanted to ask what the creature in the center of the snowflake was but couldn't get close enough. Another sculpture in front of the library appears to be made of metal but is made of ice. I think it was a ring of people joining hands around a blazing white dove that Jarkko suggested was a grouse ( The Grouse of the New Year or of Peace? :) but there were TV news crews next to it making it impossible to get a photo.

Walking towards the parade route an ecclectic mix of public art was on display. Next to the public toilets this shamanistic creation gave even the most urgent bladder pause. A wood frame in the shape of a house with paper flames in the windows was a curious item and the cryptonite constellation made me chuckle.

My toes nearly froze off while waiting for the parade to begin but things finally started moving with cops on bikes, segways and horseback. Father Time made an appearance on a high wheel bicycle. A fife and drum corps dressed in costume, a scary dragon, cranes and a giant gold puppet were a small selection of the parade events before the cold and crush of people drove us in search of hot coffee nearby.

Before we left downtown to go sit on the nice warm couch with nice hot tea in the nice warm house we watched the fireworks display over the Common.

Next year at this time we'll be preparing to go to Finland so maybe we'll have to try Greece or somewhere very warm for the New Year instead :)

permalink Ω 1 January 2002, Helsinki

Economics of sucky Christmas gifts....

My great aunt Alice always gave my sisters and I awful brown polyester socks for Christmas every year that I can recall. I would thank her for her thoughtfulness and stuff them into a box in my closet where they would be joined by another pair the next year. I was relived when she finally stopped giving gifts and have never worked up the nerve to ask her why she seemed to have a particular fondness for brown polyester footwear. Some mysteries are best left alone I suppose.

One economist puts this well meaning but ultimately unappreciated gift giving into a whole new perspective as the deadweight loss of christmas. Now you can be a grinch and be an economic hero since you aren't wasting valuable resources or sending people to the day after christmas returns line. Forget the brown socks and send a card instead next year :)

permalink Ω 30 December 2001, Helsinki

Babbage sure wasn't kidding :)

As we turned off of Broadway tonight and onto Glen street, 3 or 4 blocks away we could see the beacon to holiday cheer making me wonder if the space shuttle could see the humble Somerville home from space. Mere photos nor words can describe this Edisonian shrine to holiday cheer. I could have stood there for an hour and still not consumed its every detail like the angry virgin, 2nd storey santa and cow, seraphim and minnie mouse, santa playing rudolph and an exceptional star that I could have stared at for hours alone.

While we were still trying to comprehend the enormity of the display a woman walked by informing us that there was another house just 2 blocks over that was probably also visible from space or at least causing navigational problems with Logan airport. The house had a nativity, snowflakes, and a glowing pastiche of everything else. The entire house was covered with lights. I skipped the animatronic reindeer :)

Thanks Babbage! :) There are a number of Finns who are both horrified and delighted by the first collection and will certainly enjoy these new additions.

permalink Ω 27 December 2001, Helsinki

2001: A Massachusetts Christmas Photographic Odyssey

This year it has been especiallly difficult to find some of that good old fashioned holiday cheer but, much like Brazil relaxing its energy rationing for Christmas lights, I went forth with my new camera to catch a little twinkling festive levity. I can't say that I've found any good reasons why humankind should continue to exist but some of the displays both amused and delighted. So, Merry Megawatt Holidays and hopefully the photos will put a little festive chuckle into your Christmas Eve :)

There are quite a variety of lights and displays around the Boston area but Keyspan is sending a special"Thank You!" to this bright home in Arlington complete with the constellation Pegasus. Another house in Arlington has a nice classic look with a tree in the window and a lovely wreath as a crowning touch. A nativity on the porch with Santa as the North Star caught my attention one night. A little closer look at the porch nativity not only reveals the baby doing the full monty but the king at the left may be 'profiled' out of next years model. Is that a bomb he's holding? :)

For the canine lover, one Arlington home had a sheepdog wreath and Snoopy and Scooby-Doo to get you into the festive mood.

The City of Boston splurged and put up a cheap sign on the Common so as not to appear to be spending our tax dollars frivolously. Boston Common also had a large menorah for Chanukah and a rather loud christian guy attempting to save people but lost even the homeless guy on the bench who was trying to get some sleep. An associate of his was inspired to offer the gospel of jesus to rabbinical students with the rabbi looking on wonderment. It was a really funny moment :) The Wang Center Nutcracker is an annual sign that Christmas has arrived in Boston.

One home in Woburn embraced the American way of 'if one is good, 50 is better' in their lighting pastiche including a herd of reindeer, glowing nativity with camel, freaky frosty, another nativity where Joseph appears to have a club and Santa "The Green Finger" Claus. Another Woburn home turned their house into a glowing flag. A simple entourage-free nativity appeared and a politically correct Happy Holidays. The Woburn Boy Scout troop Christmas tree lot had a sweet little tree with a "pay here" box for the honest and a very large guy in a car for those not so honest.

A group of brightly costumed "Jingle Ride" bicyclists rode into Harvard Square and stopped on g enough for Rudolph to lead the kids in a rousing Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer carol. I also spied Santa, Elf #69, and some apprentice elves riding in style before they departed. The Republik Pub down the street from Harvard Square bid passers-by to join Mrs. Claus for a stiff one on Christmas Eve...I wonder what Santa will be having. :)

One Lexington home sported Santa and a basket of Reindeer hanging from the side of the house. The detail of Santa looking skyward and the reindeer looking nervously at the ground was delightful. Next year Santa will probably fly Southwest Airlines instead. Lexington is home of the Minuteman, a very patriotic symbol of freedom so it's no surprise that patriotic red, white and blue lights and flags abound this year. I even caught a real live patriot on the T one night returning from the Boston Tea Party reenactment. [ The minuteman photo was a casualty of having a tripod in the middle of MassAve at 11pm while freezing my arse off, getting hassled by the Lexington cops and not having the manual handy so I could figure out how to lock up the mirror :) ] A non-glowing nativity in front of the First Parish Church with the celeryleg crier and Mary and Joseph contemplating the empty crib.

Cape Anne [ the 'other' Cape in Massachusetts ] was full of holiday garnish. Another sinister snowman started to make me wonder if snowmen are really the clowns of Christmas. An illuminated Santa and sleigh caused traffic to bunch up a bit and I imagine that those in awe must have been seeing this version instead. mmm...pass. more. eggnog. Rockport trimmed Motif #1 in a wreath and flag to liven up the fishing shack for the holidays. The Rockport Ladies Club outdid themselves this year adorning the tree in stars and stripes bows, reflective foil stars and patriotic twinkling lights.

The look in Spock's eye and the set of his head
Soon gave them to know he would not go to bed.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And tuned all the sensors then turned back to Kirk,
And pressing a button and counting to three,
He lit up the bridge like a huge Christmas Tree.
His work done, he nodded, and walked toward the lift
As his friends stared in awe at his luminous gift.
But they heard him exclaim, his voice with good-will rife,
"Merry Christmas! And to you all, Peace and Long Life!"

permalink Ω 24 December 2001, Helsinki

It's not a cane, it's a J!

Ever wonder where 1.8 billion candy canes come from or how they are made this time of year? Well, Bob's Candies apparently invented the machine to make the canes as well as patented the box to ship them in and even claims to be the first candy maker to use those impervious cellophane wrappers. It just wouldn't be Christmas without a giant peppermint candy cane to gnaw on :)

permalink Ω 23 December 2001, Helsinki

Duck and cover with your yuletide lover...

Since pudge stuck the Venture's Christmas songs in my head all day long I've no choice now but to retaliate. The following is one of my all-time favourite christmas songs, especially this year. It's a classic and even more amusing when you consider that it has been suggested that Larry and Weird Al are the same person :)

Christmas At Ground Zero by Al Yankovic [ Holly Jolly Christmas tune ] It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

(siren)

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday

(siren)

permalink Ω 17 December 2001, Helsinki

Forget the Colt45 get the Magnum!

I heard a commercial for a new product this afternoon making me run for google to confirm that it wasn't a joke. It's no joke, Heineken is offering 3-litre "magnums" of their, uh, beer this holiday season complete with gift box making it ideal for everyone on your holiday shopping list:

"Heineken will offer a limited edition 3-liter bottle shaped like a magnum of champagne this holiday season. The 3-liter bottle, which has test-marketed favorably in the Baltimore/Washington market, will be available for a limited time beginning next month. The 3-liter bottle comes in a special holiday gift box at an average retail price of $24.99."

What is interesting about the success of their test market is that the area is mostly urban poor black, like St. Louis, where 40oz malt liquor is very popular. Apparently, since bigger is always better, Anheuser-Busch decided to double the pleasure of a 40-ounce and release an 80-ounce bottle of malt liquor goodness. :) Mmm...kickin' it with the homeys and a 3-litre bottle of brew is what the holidays were made for.

Can gallon jugs of Night Train adorned with a cheap red bow can be far behind?

permalink Ω 15 December 2001, Helsinki

All I want for Christmas....

A couple of years ago the Perl Packrats, who were originally responsible for creating PAUSE and CPAN, tossed a few ideas around for "The 12 days of Perl Christmas" and "A Christmas Camel". When I was doing the research for the Perl history I actually found something called 'A Christmas Camel' but was disappointed when Larry informed me it wasn't a Dickensian Tale of Perl. I remembered this today and fortunately I kept an archive of these email from Jeff Okamoto, Grep and myself so I thought I'd share a slightly updated version of "The 12 Days of Perl Christmas";

• On the 12th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me 12 "Thanks Applied!" email.
• On the 11th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 11 P5 Porters porting.
• On the 10th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 10 pedants picking.
• On the 9th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 9 warnings about Locale.
• On the 8th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 8 happy hackers.
• On the 7th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 7 files flocking.
• On the 6th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 6 years of CPAN.
• On the 5th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 5 Subroutines!
• On the 4th day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 4 new platforms
• On the 3rd day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 3 pragmas
• On the 2nd day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 2 Haiku
• On the 1st day of Christmas my pumpking gave to me, 1 5.8 release and no more weekends hacking perl! :)

permalink Ω 12 December 2001, Helsinki

L'Anti Noël Avant L'Temps

While enjoying the December issue of Harper's Magazine I noticed a blurb in the "Readings" section that may be of interest to daveorg and others. On page 16, a small box titled "You Better Watch Out" enclosed the following:

"Halloween has ended. Before Halloween it was autumn, and after Halloween autumn continues. Do you agree?

The leaves lie scattered on the soil, the atmosphere is calm and romantic; it is the dead season and many are rejoicing. Right? It is part of a whole season, a beautiful season, and one that does not officially end until the twenty-first of December. Are you listening?

Winter is far off, and Christmas does not exist outside of winter. Christmas=winter. Autumn-tranquillity, peace of mind. You see what we want to say, no?

We are L'A.N.A.L.T. ( L'Anti Noël Avant L'Temps)

We are a group of people who are saddened and frustrated by your ill breeding. We refuse to let you destroy autumn for a reason as prenicious and disgusting as making a little bit of money. Everybody knows that Christmas is coming. You're going to make the same kind of cash! So, if you please, everything has its time.

We demand that you take down all of your Christmas decorations without delay, and not put them back up until the first of December. If not, we are going to strike again.

N.B. Do not take this lightly. We are SERIOUS."

This was a notice sent last November to merchants in Montreal whose stores were decorated for Christmas. This caused a bit of a stir only after they vandalised fourteen business that did not comply with their demands. I couldn't find any news articles or a web page for the group espousing their agenda but sans terrorism I like the idea of the group and their mission; No Christmas Before Its Time.

n.b. - I love the english language, yes, yes I do. Google produced a name for these folks that I will have to have stitched into a sweatshirt or somesuch:

I'm sure this could be applied not only to being afraid of the jolly fat guy who sneaks into houses via the chimney but also to those awful snack cakes called "Ho-Hos". :)

permalink Ω 2 December 2001, Helsinki

Merry Megawatt Christmas

I am not terribly fond of John Grisham, the author, but recently bought a copy of Skipping Christmas as I was in need of a bit of fluff reading and figured it doesn't get much fluffier than a Grisham Novel. It's a story about a couple who decide to go on a cruise instead of doing the whole Christmas thing of lights, parties, presents, etc. Seems simple enough until the neighborhood engages in a bit of suburban terrorism since their house is the only one on the street without lights. This happens in real life so no shock value there. However, it reads like a Stephen King novel about a couple being attacked by the Christmas cheer mafia and their daughter. If you are moving to suburbia but have reservations don't read this book. :)

I spent about 5 hours tonight driving around Lexington, Woburn, Burlington, Rockport, Glouchester, Lanesville and Essex looking for inspired holiday lighting displays to capture on film. I bought a tripod and some Ilford 3200 black & white film a few weeks ago in preparation. I was a little uncomfortable at first to jump out of my car with photographic equipment and take photos while people were in residence but after the first shots it got easier. One couple even came out to say hello and tell me the story of their creation.

I'm still not finished but after one night of driving around I noticed that there are a lot fewer people with holiday lights and even fewer with truly inspired displays than in the past. The patriotic theme of red, white and blue is very popular this year. I found a flag on the side of a house in coloured lights and denuded trees seemed to be the most popular choice to adorn with patriotic strands of light.

Today was the arrival of Santa in Rockport by lobster boat. Rockport has an almost Whoville-like Christmas as once Santa arrives, he is driven around the Neck, he lights the Christmas tree in the square and then everyone in town gathers around with hot chocolate and sings carols with Santa leading from the old Rockport firetruck. It was 71F in Eastern MA so it was lacking the usual bitter cold and the threat of snow. However lacking in appropriate festive weather the Rockport Christmas tree is absolutely lovely. It is adorned with red, white and blue lights, shiny foil stars, red balls and big bows emblazoned with a flag motif. I helped decorate the Rockport tree for a few years when I lived there and prefer a more traditional theme but, as trees go, it is quite a sight. I hope the photos of it turn out and I may have to go back with some colour film to capture the red, white and blue theme.

permalink Ω 2 December 2001, Helsinki

Satan is an anagram of Santa

Dave Cross's xmas season rant made me think of David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice, a wonderful collection of cynical and satirical christmas stories.

The first story is the classic Santaland Diaries which first debuted on NPR almost a decade ago and I laughed then and still laugh at it every year when they replay Sedaris himself narrating the story of his experience as an Elf at Macy's.

"In the afternoon we were given a tour of SantaLand, which really is something. It's beautiful, a real wonderland, with ten thousand sparkling lights, false snow, train sets, bridges, decorated trees, mechanical penguins and bears, and really tall candy canes. One enters and travels through a maze, a path which takes you from one festive environment to another. The path ends at the Magic Tree. The Tree is supposed to resemble a complex system of roots, but looks instead like a scale model of the human intestinal tract. Once you pass the Magic Tree, the light dims and an elf guides you to Santa's house. The houses are cozy and intimate, laden with toys. You exit Santa's house and are met with a line of cash registers.

We traveled the path a second time and were given the code for various posts such as "The Vomit Corner," a mirrored wall near the Magic Tree, where nauseous children tend to surrender the contents of their stomachs. When someone vomits, the nearest elf is supposed to yell "VAMOOSE," which is the name of the janitorial product used by the store. We were taken to the "Oh, My God, Corner," a position near the escalator. People arriving see the long line and say "Oh, my God!" and it is an elf's job to calm them down and explain that it will take no longer than an hour to see Santa."

The next story is a brilliant send up of those awful holiday family newsletters you get from family and friends titled Season's Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!. He even has the appropriate overuse of the "!" throughout the story for a touch of realism.

Dinah, the Christmas Whore is a priceless tale of Sedaris' sister bringing a whore home for christmas.

"Up and down our street the houses were decorated with plywood angels and mangers framed in colored bulbs. Over on Coronado someone had lashed speakers to his trees, broadcasting carols over the candy-cane forest he'd planted beside his driveway. Our neighbors would rise early and visit the malls, snatching up gift-wrapped Dustbusters and the pom-pommed socks used to protect the heads of golf clubs. Christmas would arrive and we, the people of this country, would gather around identical trees, voicing our pleasure with worn cliches. Turkeys would roast to a hard shellacked finish. Hams would be crosshatched with x's and glazed with fruit -- and it was fine by me. Were I to receive a riding vacuum cleaner or even a wizened proboscis monkey, it wouldn't please me half as much as knowing we were the only family in the neighborhood with a prostitute in our kitchen. From this moment on, the phrase "Ho, ho, ho" would take on a whole different meaning; and I, along with the rest of my family, could appreciate it in our own clannish way. It suddenly occurred to me. Just like that."

He rips apart the christmas theatre by children tradition in Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol and gives the sermon to christmas capitalism in Based on a True Story then delivers the final twist of the knife with Christmas Means Giving a tale of suburbia.

If you aren't big on the holidays and haven't seen this book then it's time you did. :)

permalink Ω 24 November 2001, Helsinki

Like a Luddite at COMDEX

Today I escaped work for a little while and went by SoftPro Books in Burlington to see what might be new in the world of technical books and chat with the staff who, over the years, have become practically family. Sadly, they are feeling the same lull in business everyone else is and the store was pretty quiet. After getting the lowdown on what has been popular and the usual gossip I noticed that the author of the Ugliest Perl Book has a new title Perl to Python Migration. I looked at it a while and wasn't that impressed. I guess it won't sell that well just because if people have production Perl code that they probably aren't going to 'migrate' it and just do new stuff in Python and eventually get around to reimplementing the Perl stuff later. This guy makes up for low sales by writing in volume though. There was also another book, The Procmail Companion that looked promising both in it's brevity [ 300 or so pages ] and by its content. Nothing else was really all that new or exciting in the world of books. I did see a few that would make excellent doorstops though. :)

After work I decided to brave the grocery stores so I could 'beat the rush' on Wednesday for the annual American Thanksgiving Holiday Feast. Everytime I go to the grocery store I feel like a luddite at COMDEX. Everything is big, shiny and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing there or what I'm supposed to buy. Women with carts full of stuff and kids go by me and give me that knowing look of 'you're a stranger here' while I'm standing in the middle of the produce section dazed and confuzed. In my 20s, my fridge used to be a shrine to minimalism; coke, cigarettes and take-away boxes from eating out the night before...is there some magical transformation that is supposed to happen when you hit your 30s to infuse you with this vital grocery knowledge?

I had to trek to not one, not two, but three stores to find everything I needed which is almost legendary. I even found myself shopping at Bread & Circus, a 'whole foods store' where everything, and I do mean everything, is organic. I just want a pound of butter, not 6 different choices of damn organic salted sweet creamery butter. You know, butter, it just shouldn't be this hard. It's enough to make you homicidal by the time you check out and they ask you innocently enough, "paper or plastic?". I looked at the woman tonight and said, "Don't you mean toxic or organic grocery bag?" . Fortunately, she got the dry sarcasm. I asked for the hand-milled paper bags. :)

After I made it safely home unscathed I sifted through the mail to find that Martha Stewart must be reading my journal with her latest special issue At Home with Technology that includes a section on how to make your own laptop tote, how the supermarket checkout works, shopping on-line, 'tucking in technology', computer crafts and an "Ask Martha" column with such tough questions on cleaning your computer and if it is safe to leave the computer on all day. Wahoo. And, to add insult to injury, I find that Tiffany has decided that, after years of sending me a catalogue, that now that I have a husband he should receive a catalogue instead of me since, I guess , no married woman buys her own jewelery these days. When we bought our wedding rings I'll never forget the women in Tiffany's telling me, with a wink to Jarkko, that should I ever find that my rock is too small that I could 'upgrade' my rock by trading in the old rock for a bigger one. Well, sexist jerks or not, they do make some lovely things and I'm a sucker for their beautiful south pacific pearlnecklaces.

Guh, now I feel like I need to watch the Man Show, drink a few beers, scratch myself and find a football game on TV to shake off all this girly crap. Hmm, pass the beef jerky and the pr0n will you?

permalink Ω 19 November 2001, Helsinki

Now with Wishstixs™!

It has been a long busy week dealing with a particularly high maintainence user who likes to shoulder surf around me and who thinks everything is a critical emergency. His group uses a product named Continuus and they just bought a nice 4-way 420R as the old 2-way E450 didn't seem to be performing well enough for them.

They don't really need the extra horsepower really, but they can't afford any downtime and the guy who masqueraded as a Unix admin prior to me should be taken out and beaten for crimes against system administration as putting a database on Sun DiskSuite partitions at raid 5 is just insanity...ah well. Well, once they get migrated to the new box by next week, I'll get to reinstall the old E450 from scratch and they'll have lots of extra cycles and faster disks.

I've spent much of my week working with the Solaris kstat utility and the SE Toolkit which is an indispensible suite of tools when coupled with Solaris Internals book and the Sun Performance and Tuning bible by Adrian Cockcroft. Thank you Alan Burlison for kstat :) Now, can I ask for a self-tuning kernel?! :)

Other than mangling solaris kernels and resisting the urge to harm annoying users this week I replaced the tank valve on the toilet. It's odd how pedantic you can be about computers then put up with a cantankerous toilet for months. Finding a plumber around here requires getting a convent of nuns to say a novena so I just decided to fix the bloody thing myself. I understand why plumbers charge so much as it isn't difficult work but plumbing is never in a convenient and easy to reach place. After an hour of grunting and cussing I now have a toilet tank that fills *and* shuts off once the water level is reached. Oh, the luxury! Yes, it's sad, I'm turning into my parents...

And I'm preparing for a big Thanksgiving dinner at home for a small crowd. One of the people coming is a vegetarian so his wife mentioned they'll be bringing a Tofurkey which is described as:

Tofurky™ is a pre-cooked vegetarian feast designed to be the delicious centerpiece of your holiday or everyday meal.

They even have 'Wishstixs™' made out of Tofurky Jurkey [of course] to fill the nostalgia for wishbones of a real turkey:

To begin your feast, we have included 2 Tofurky WishStixs™ in every box of Tofurky! Made from our new, Tofurky Jurky, these stixs are meant to add a little bit of fun to your meal. Gather 2 to 4 folks, have everyone take an end, make a wish and pull! With Tofurky WishStixs, everyone has already won because no animal was sacrificed in the making of this product.

No animal may have been sacrificed but a few dictionaries were I think...stixs? :) I should dig out the postcard I have that shows a butcher from the waist down slicing up a side of beef with the caption "Screw vegetarians! Let's eat meat!" and put it on the fridge for amusement value.

Minnesota Public Radio interviewed the company to get to the bottom of the enigma of the Tofurkey. Personally, I think the radio personality just liked saying Tofurkey. They claim that while no Tofurkey has been seen in the wild they know it has four legs since it has four drumettes. :) Hmm...I think my recipe for Maple-glazed Turkey with Dijon Gravy and Country-bread stuffing with parmesan, raisins, and pine nuts sounds more...meaty, but I may just have to try it for the novelty of it. MPR also had a piece on the meat version turkey taste test by Cooks Illustrated who also have the very helpful Turkey Help site for stricken meat bird bakers for any occasion.

I'm looking forward to staying at home next weekend after the holiday to catch up on a few projects and maybe even read a few books stacked up on a chair who even now mock me from where I sit.

permalink Ω 15 November 2001, Helsinki

Exorcism anyone?

Salon is running a story about the spooky subject of exorcism just in time for Halloween. What's interesting is the mention of 'the exorcism' at the heart of the novel The Exorcist that would later become a movie.

The exorcism was performed in St. Louis at a nearby catholic hospital on a young boy from Utah who would leave with no recollection and live out the rest of his life in relative peace. My Parents used to have Jesuits over for dinner pretty frequently and one of them was a Jesuit still in training when the exorcism was performed. He wouldn't ever talk about it much but for a cynical man it was surprising to sense the conviction when he firmly believed that the child was, indeed, possessed.

Of course, one of the annual Halloween rituals at St. Louis University, a Jesuit University in St. Louis and home to most of the exorcists, was a drunken tromp up to 'the room' in the old gothic Xavier Hall to scare the crap out of freshmen. Good for a giggle but the room was creepy just the same. The power of suggestion is an amazing thing to witness.

permalink Ω 15 October 2001, Helsinki